My heart hurts and feels so heavy

[SBeth]

I never really understood the term "broken heart", not enough to truly appreciate what it could feel like...until now.

It's been almost three weeks since Bill's death. The company, the cards and most phone calls have trickled down a great deal and as the new year approaches and the holidays fade, the loneliness is suffocating. I've finally found myself digging thru boxes, looking for pictures, anything with his handwriting on it, going the pockets of every pair of pants or coats looking for anything to bring him back to me. I'm just lost and though everyone says that time will help...for now I see no light at the end of this tunnel. I just want to be with him. I wish he could help me, he always helped me get thru everything and now I'm here all alone and I just don't know that I'm going to get thru this.

Thanks for listening.

[Treebywater]

You ARE going to make it through this, Beth. Right now your only job is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each second, and each minute the best way you know how. And you're doing that.

I still don't believe that time makes it easier or better, at least that hasn't been my experience with anything so far. I do think you just get used to it a little more.

Praying for you. And holding on to light and hope for you. You are an amazing, strong, beautiful woman and we're here to help support you anyway we can.

love,

Val

[MilliBr1]

Beth my heart breaks for you. I know I don't fully understand what you are going through, but I do see how hard it is for my dad. My sister just said to him the other day that he just needs time and he said he thinks it just get harder. Sorry I don't have great words of comfort, but I wanted you to know I think of you and pray for you.

[kitkathi]

(((Beth))).........sending comforting prayers your way.

Kathi

[Kaffie]

Beth,

When my father passed over my mother was

pretty much acting like you. She slept

with a shirt of his that had his scent on

it, she rummaged through papers for things

he wrote on, she left his stuff sitting on

the dresser for quite some time.

It takes time, plenty of time, more for

some people, less for others.

I've never been through it but from

watching my mother, I know it's heart

breaking to watch

You have been in my thoughts, I pray for

you that you have the support from family

and friends who will be there to listen,

listen and listen some more. My mother

talked about him constantly, she said it

helped. Of course I didn't mind her talking

about him all the time, it helped me too.

Take care of yourself,

Hugs

Kathy

[Maryanne]

Oh Beth,

What do we say to someone who lost such a tremendous loss that you feel your world has crumbled in front of you eyes?

What do we say to someone who had such a wonderful love affair and now it is gone?

What do we say when you feel like you just can't get through another day?

What do we say when it breaks our hearts to read all the pain you are going through?

All we can do is be here for you and let you know you are not alone. We are always here no matter what. We will cry with you, pray with you and give you all the support you need to get through this.

I do know that your Bill is with you. He is worried about you, and he wishes one day this burden will be lifted off of you. I don't think he will be completely at peace until he knows that his Beth will be able to feel again.

It is going to be really hard for you when the company does leave and your nights will be the hardest. You must go through this grieving stage and one day even though you do not believe this you will feel the sun on your face again.

My heartfelt prayers are always with you to help guide through this very difficult transition.

We love you Beth, I only wish you peace of mind and the strength to carry on.

Maryanne

[ginnyde]

Boy, Beth can I relate. That is exactly what I said after Earl died about now knowing where the expression 'broken heart' came from. I sometimes felt like I was suffocating from grief. I wore his wedding ring and signet ring on a chain around my neck for over 6 months and clutched them constantly.

It is almost 1 1/2 years. I still have bad days and still cry, but not that gut wrenching sobbing that I did in the beginning. I miss him every minute of every day. I ache for him that he died so young.

But Beth, it does get easier. We somehow learn to live a happy life alone. I have found that keeping busy with other people helps.

It is still so soon for you. I am sure you expect Bill to walk in the door any minute. And each time you realize he will not, it is overwhelming again.

Let me know if I can help.

[shirleyb]

Beth,

I still remember doing the same things you are doing when Randy died. I just felt like the nightmare would never end. I wanted so bad to wake up for the dream and realize it was a dream but alast, it was not.

It took a while for me to not cry when someone would mention his name. It took time for me to be able to really laugh again. It took time to ease my heartache that just never seemed to want to end. It took time.

It has taken time to begin to feel like I was living again.

Bill will always be in your heart. You will always have memories of him. You will see things years from now and think, oh Bill would have liked that, or Bill did it the same way. He will always be with you.

One thing I did after Randy died, was I took all his shirts and made quilts for the kids from them. It took time, it brought back memories of how did he get that stain on this shirt, and that brought back sweet smiles. It kept me busy.

I know I did not want to be out with friends yet then and by doing little things around the house, I kept busy.

It takes time hon. Everyone that goes down this path does it at their own pace. Your grieving will take its own path too and you will heal in your own time. But it will take time. You will have good days and you will have bad days. But the good days will become more common than the bad and your pain will ease. It will always be there, but it will ease.

Be good to yourself. Your kids need you still and you need them. They too will grieve in their own way. Just know it is normal and you are doing as good as you can.

May you feel the love and warm hugs being sent your way.

Shirleyb

[J.C.]

Beth,

You are waking up after having so many

people around you and finding yourself

facing a New Year alone, so hard, and

you see many lonely days ahead of you.

Look for some written words, pictures all

souvenirs you can keep.

I never went through everything and after two years I know where some things are, but

always keep some as a surprise for the next time

I feel bad. This is my way, your way could be to go

through everything once and keep what you want.

Nobody react the same way, we have to find

which way applies the best to us.

When it get too hard, I get one of his silly

cards that I collected over the year and put

it in front of me for the day and think of

the live we had and the pleasure we took in

each day.

I miss my husband each day but had to learn to

live alone with his memories of the love we had

tears are there still but they dry faster than

last year.

Very often I still see him in a room when I go in,

but that is the souvenir of the time he was there,

instead of making me unhappy like two year ago,

I am able to smile at the souvenirs.

They talk about the bumpy road of sickness,

there is also a very bumpy road to walk alone

but after a while the steps we take are more

solid and the road less frightening.

Hugs

Jackie

[Patkid]

Beth,

We love you!!

you do NOT have to look forward.

Find those pieces of paper w/ Bill's script and curl up w/ the coat he wore last and wallow and roll and immerse yourself in all the loving memories. Close your eyes and feel those hours of back rubs/scratches that he so generously gave you. Feel his smile, remember his words, smile at memories........remember how upset we both were the day that we each had a bit of a meltdown and you were cranky w/ Bill for towels left on the floor, and I lost it a bit w/ Brian over similar trivial matters???

I bet Bill is smiling and loving you and remembering, too. He is with us! He is still loving you and your feelings are perfect for today.

Just don't assume that your feelings won't change..........they will..............afterall...we did get over our snits about the guys not picking up after themselves.....right??

We love you, Beth.

Many many hugs and much love.

P

[bunny]

Beth, it's been such a short time since you lost such a great love. I hope this isn't patronizing from someone who's never been where you are - but I believe Bill is helping you. Through your grief, you are alive and kicking, feeling the feelings and walking through them.

you are cherished here, and always in our prayers.

xoxo

amie

[dchurchi]

Beth,

I can not even begin to imagine the pain

in your heart for the loss of your love.

I will hold you in cyber hugs

say prayers for the healing of your broken heart.

we all love you and are here for you whatever

and whenever you need.

[lilyjohn]

Oh Beth there are no words to ease your pain and I do wish there were. The first weeks after loosing him you are in a place apart from the rest of the world. There are people around you so you do not have the time alone that you need. Then suddenly everyone is gone and you find yourself alone. That is when it sinks it. This is real, a nightmare that you won't wake up from.

I remember very little of those first few days after my Johnny died. I do know that I felt like there was some wild animal inside of me eating it's way out. There was no where to turn where the pain didn't overpower me. I couldn't eat or sleep or have a conversation with anyone without tears. Even worse when I wanted to talk about him everyone tried to change the subject. It was and in someways still is the hardest time of my life, but I have survived!

I'm telling you these things so you will know that not only can I relate but to let you know that as impossible as it seems you will get through the next days, then weeks and months. Don't look at tomorrow or next week. Look at now. Live in the grief as long as you need to. Keep Bill's things close to you and go to them for comfort. Try to remember the happy times instead of those last days and weeks. If you have something special of his sleep with it. Take one minute at a time and don't let anyone try to stop you from grieving. You need that right now.

I won't lie to you and tell you that things will ever be the same. That will not happen but you will learn to live a different life. It can be painfull and frightening to find yourself so alone but you can also gain many things that you would never have known before. Those things are gifts from Bill. He is not gone but just away in a place that you can't see into right now. I really believe and have had evidence to prove that our loved ones are just a whisper away. They guide our path when we think that we won't make it alone.

Just last night I got out a video of my Johnny and watched it. It is painfull to do that but it also makes me realize that someone so strong and so full of life does not just cease to exist. There is too much energy for death to stop it. They live on and someday when you need it most your Bill will let you know that he is near and watching over you.

My heart truly breaks for you and the others who are facing those first weeks and months. I remember so well the void that seemed to consume me. Please be kind to yourself. Whatever you need reach for it and in time you will find that it gets a little easier. The pain won't go away but you learn to live as someone here said your "new normal".

So Beth I want you to know that my prayers are with you and I do understand as many others here do. Just hold on for now one day at a time. As hard as it is we really have no choice. God Bless you and give you some measure of peace. Lillian

[Connie B]

Oh Beth, (((((((((BETH)))))))))

Sweet friend, your pain is soooo deep and overwhelming. You need to talk about how your feeling and you need to talk about your Bill.

I could go on about all the family members I lost too, but right now YOUR the one who needs to talk and vent and cry. This isn't about my pain, but rather about yours. I just want you to know I'm here for you and I DO understand how deep your pain and sadness goes.

((((((((((((((((((((((BETH))))))))))))))))))))))

[Carleen]

(((BETH))) I don't have anything I can say that will ease your pain. I just wanted to tell you that I pray for you to find strength. I pray for you to feel Bill's presence and love around you.

I think there are some injuries that the heart can never fully heal from no matter what length of time passes. Bill was your sunshine, he lit your path on this road of life. Now you say you don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is hard to see in such darkness, but remember that in time your eyes will adjust and you will again be able to appreciate the scenery around you even though it will never be as brightly lit as it once was.

I've never lost anyone close to me, but it is my greatest fear to lose my husband. I struggle right now with the fear of facing the nightmare you are in right now. And even though it is probably wrong of me or unfair of me to grieve for what I have not lost, the fear of uncertainty is suffocating. I can only assume the uncertainty of the future you now are facing weighs on you all the greater. Do whatever it takes to make it through each day one day at a time. I wish I could take some of that burden from you. I can not, but God can. I pray for you and send you my cyber hug and lots of cyber love.

[LynneH]

Beth, I am so glad to see you here. Keep holding on as we are holding on real tight to the rope and we won't let go.

Every one is different, so I cannot tell you I know exactly how you feel inside. But I do know that you are feeling such an immense emotional pain that it is actually felt physically. I tore through rooms looking for a note that I was sure Jim must have left me. I too save anything that has Jim's writing on it. I wear one of his hoodie sweat jackets. I talk about him. All of those things make me feel better. Do those things that bring you a momentary smile, even if it is followed by a sob because we have to get those out too.

I think about you and Bill every day and know that with Bill's help, you will be able to put those feet on the floor each morning and trudge through another day. I promise that one day, if only briefly, you will take a step that will have lost the 'trudge' and will feel lighter. Just one step at a time, that is all you need to do right now..........

Love,

Lynne

[Donna]

Beth, I pray God will mend your broken heart, and give you the strength you need to go on..

Blessings and lots of hugs..

Donna K.

[Kel M]

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Beth. May God keep you close and give you the strength to keep moving forward.

Kel

[Fall54]

Dear Beth,

You're post was welcomed as I have been hoping to hear how you were doing. I guess I am in the minority as I lost my husband to a car accident when he was 29 yrs old and I was 28. We had 2 sons and one of them was only 8 months old. I always thought I could never survive the loss of my husband or of my children. I am here and I did survive. My children are now 30 and 24. a long time ago I know.

I was a mess and didnt know how to live without him but I am one that does believe that time does heal all wounds. I will always love him but I have gone on after a significant grieving period to have a happy life.

God saw me through those days, months and years, as he will you too.

Losing my Brother in 04 floored me as I just dont think I was as strong as I was in my younger years but I have also come through this loss and as I have said before sometimes felt like I crawled through it. I did what ever I had to and somehow I came out the other side and am able to accept the loss now. I will also love him forever but I can live now without the heart wrentching pain I was in.

I know you are only at the beginning of you're new journey without Bill and you have lots to go through. Becky told me one time I had to go through the pain to get to the other side and there was no other way. She was so right and I did just that.

I firmly believe you will find happiness again and you're life will be so different than it is right now. Bill will always be that angel on you're shoulder and you will always love him as he will always love you. There will be a day that you will be in his loving arms again, that time is not now. You have a lot of living to do Sweetheart and slowly you will find a way to do that living. I pray for you're comfort and strngth. I pray for something little that will bring a smile to that pretty face of yours.

Time does heal Beth and I am praying for healing for you. You are in my prayers today and always,

God Bless you always,

Jane

[Frank Lamb]

Beth,I wish I could think of something to say to make you feel better but I can't.

Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers for peace and some comfort.

[dadstimeon]

Just want you to know you are in my prayers Beth.

Rich

[stand4hope]

Hang on my dear sweet friend. It isn't easy, but it's doable. I didn't think I could do it, and I know that I still can't - God is carrying me 100% and He will carry you, too. In my opinion, that's the only way any of us are getting through this.

I truly give Him all the credit that I am still breathing myself. I thought that I would die and want to die, too, if I lost Don. I don't want to die. I want to live and breathe and laugh and enjoy life, and that's exactly what I have set my heart and mind to do. Every day I feel that tug trying to pull me into the abyss of despair, but I just refuse to let whatever or whoever is doing the tugging pull me down into that dark hole. My faith, belief, love and trust in the promises of Jesus Christ bring a smile to my face and joy into my heart.

My prayer for you, dear Beth and Carleen and Pat and Sue and Donna and everyone else that is grieving because of grief or anticipatory grief, is that you, too, will hang on to God's promise that "ALL things work together for good for those who love God . . ." I have trusted and believed in those words for years through many times of trouble and sadness. Those words don't always keep the tears away, but they do cause them to stop.

Love,

Peggy

[shineladysue]

(((Beth))),

Lots of hugs, love and prayers for you.

Love,

Sue

[mamasbabygirl]

Beth,

I remember the days when things got quiet and then it's time to really feel the loneliness. People still care, but just don't know what to say. They are worrying about you, probably wondering why you aren't reaching out to them. It is so hard.

I am here. Call me anytime..

Also, I forgot to mention to you that a huge help to me was widownet.com. These folks understand more than anyone what the loneliness feels like, other than our members here who have lost their loved ones.

I know that Bill is watching over you and Chad over me, I just know it.