I'm broken, I've taken all I can

[Carleen]

I am in shock. I can feel air going in my lungs, I can feel my heart beating but I don't know how it can be possible for my body to function when every cell is screaming in agony. How can I keep standing and keep going on like this. Sunday was wonderful, but it only takes a couple of days for the world to flip upside down and everything turn so ugly. It now seems like Christmas was so long ago and so far away.

Today Keith received the results of his Brain, neck and spinal MRI. Let me start by saying that the MRI is not even complete as the power went out at the hospital while Keith was in the machine so they weren't able to tell us about the majority of the spine. However, the new results are that a few of the lesions in his brain have grown. But that is not the biggest concern. The liver is what worries them. There are now so many tumors that as the onc says "if you were to sit down in front of the scans and try to count you'd be there for a long time" there are too many to bother counting. Keith also has a new tumor on his 6th vertibrae and one in his thyriod gland. Add those to the progression we just found out about last week and it just keeps coming.

I feel like I've been hit by a car, it stopped and backed up and ran over me again.

I just can't do this any more. I try to stay positive, I try and not let him see me worried because he needs to know that he is going to be ok, and to know that I believe it. What he needs is all that matters, but I feel like I am dying myself. I wish I was dying myself. I am so scared that I will not be able to bear up to and support him as I watch him get sicker and sicker. I can not bear to lose him. HE IS EVERYTHING TO ME.

I say that not like a loving wife-hallmark sentiment. It is more an all consuming, obsessive, stalker, mad passionate, complete loss of self identity type of statement. I've tried to think about how I'd get past this, but there is nothing. I have no interests outside of him. Everything I do and have ever done has been for him, even before he became ill. I have no goals or desires outside of him. You know how they say men think about sex every 6 seconds, well I think about Keith every 3 seconds of every day. But the beautiful thing is it has always been equally returned. What will I have without that? I am nothing without him and I want to be nothing without him. How do I go forward? How do I put on that brave face and tell myself he is going to beat this when I am so afraid? How do I function, eat breath, live, when every pulse beat hurts when air burns my lungs and his glance upon my skin leaves a permanent brand?

I can not do it? I want to scream at God to stop this, it isn't fair. I want to hate him to be angry with God, I need to be able to blame someone. But in my heart I know he isn't doing this to us. God is our only hope.

Oh God just please kill me.

[Ry]

Oh Carleen. I am so so sorry. I know you're devastated but I also know that through all that pain you will be there for him as you always have been. Go ahead and get it all out with us, we can take it--and then turn a brave face back towards Keith and keep on going however you can. I don't know what to say Carleen...I am in shock with you.

[Kasey]

Dear Carleen,

I have no advice. Just know that I feel your pain. I understand it. I would probably live it the same as you. I trust that somehow, somewhere, you will gather what you will need to go forward. I have no idea how that will happen. Just know that so many prayers are being said for you and Keith by me. For we, too, Carleen, have that sort of love and bond between the two of us.

Come here to cry, rant, vent, swear, whatever. Many of us understand. Some understand more than others....but we all do. We love you, Carleen. We admire all that you have been able to do through such adversity. Our hearts hurt with yours.

I am so sorry.

(((Carleen))),

Kasey

[Kaffie]

(((Carleen))),

You are too young to be dealing with

this

I can feel your pain and fear in your

post, I can't begin to tell you how

sorry I am for what you are both

going through.

I wish I had some words of comfort for

you, but nothing anyone says can ease

your pain. Just know that we are ALL

here for you.

Please keep us posted,

Kathy

[karen335]

Carleen,

I wish I could say something to comfort you. I am at loss for words. Just know we are here for you.

God is good, just put this in His hands. It is bigger than we are and it IS whatever His will. Just know I am saying special prayers for you and Keith and have been for a couple years. You kids are so special...

God Bless and gentle hugs,

Karen

[hopeandstrength]

Oh Carleen..(((Carleen)))

I'm feeling your pain so much. I wish I had something helpful and inspiring to say to you, but I don't. Please know that you are an amazing person and we are always here for you.

love,

Cathy

[Maryanne]

Dearest Carleen,

Your post has broke my heart and I am here in tears. I don't know what I can possibly say to help ease your pain.

Please, please keep going and keep positive around Keith. You can do this, I know you can honey, you must. You have too stay strong so Keith will not feel like he is letting you down. You must keep going and keep faith in G-d as miracles do happen.

I just lit a healing candle for Keith. I will say mediation prayers for him when I log off.

Please sweetie, we are here for you. It is not healthy for you to bring those negative thoughts into your head.

I don't want you to even think of the future, just the present and being with him. Concentrate on the now. Your love for each other shows through all of your posts about Keith. You are a amazing couple. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, and just keep the balance. You can do this.

I hope you have family or friends who you can lean on. Of course you can lean, vent scream with us, but I am talking about physical face to face help. I hope so, as I am very worried about you.

Praying Carleen for a miracle to come to your Keith. And also strength for you.

I am so sorry for all your pain.

Maryanne

[Don Wood]

Rats! So sorry, Carleen. Glad you came and expressed your feelings here. Don

[ginnyde]

Carleen, you are right, this whole thing stinks. I know the pain and fear that you are going through. There are no magic words. I found that I only thought about this minute. I also sort of used a mantra when things became overwhelming - it was the words of the song 'I am here Lord, you are here Lord'. I would repeat that over and over and somehow it would ease my anxiety.

It is not fair, you are right. Keith is way too young. I don't have any answers, just ((((hugs)))) and prayers.

Keep us posted.

[J.C.]

Carleen,

I looking for words to ease your pain

and fears.

Prayers for you and Keith.

Huigs

Jackie

[shirleyb]

Carleen,

I totally understand where you are at with you fear, your pain, your uncertainty.

How will you go on? You will put one foot in front of the other and keep on going on. Live today for today and let tomorrow take care of itself.

It really SUCKS what hand has been dealt to you. But play it the best you can.

Keith knows you well enough to know what you are feeling. Trying to hide that from him will not work. It just adds another bearer to you being totally honest with each other. If you are this scared, he is too. I can only imagine what he is feeling and going through.

I know when Randy was so sick, the only way he seemed to continue on was knowing and believing that there would be a miracle. And I believed that right next to him every step of the way. Do not lose faith. Keep hoping.

You and Keith are both in my prayers. Cherish the time you have now. Do not look to tomorrow but cherish today.

Praying for us all.

Shirleyb

[Patkid]

(((Carleen)))

Honey,

We care so much.

We are praying that our ABBA (Father) will hold you close to HIM so that you can feel his heartbeat.

Rest your pain with us for a while.

I really do feel it with you, and Brian and I are sending solidarity in many hugs and gentle kisses.

Love

love

love

Pat

[bunny]

sweetie, my heart just broke open a little wider. I am so, so sorry for these results. it's crappy and cruel and unfair. I would be pissed beyond words if I were in your shoes, and scared to death. I can not comfort you, it's beyond my power. just know that I honor your truth, which you articulated so beautifully. that love you have is both your blessing and your curse right now I guess.

kick and scream, then turn to god, who will see you through. who IS seeing you through, even when you don't know it.

my own personal "higher power" concept is that god doesn't MAKE bad things happen to us, he's there for when they do. so my god, which I believe is the same as every other god, is looking out for you, even if you're still too mad at yours right now.

we are loving and praying for you and keith, carleen.

xoxo

amie

[Leslie221]

(((Carleen)))

Your news makes me just want to flail away at the Universe and get all my own anger out. That's what's so frustating about the anger and resntment associate with this disease - there's no one to blame, no one to yell at, no one to punish. All that rage and emotion and no focus for it.

Find a focus. Something you can have handy any time and use any time. Buy a punching bag for the garage, get a baseball bat and pound the #### out of a big ugly pillow you buy just for the occassion. The pillow can be cancer. Run in place until you're ot of breath. Focus the anger and rage onto something or it will consume you.

I am so sorry, so very sorry. Just so very sorry.

Leslie

[dchurchi]

Carleen,

I am unable to find words to ease your pain.

I have had my own screaming matches with God and

then felt HIS loving arms comfort me. No one

deserves to go through this Hell on earth.

Come to us whenever you need, let us help you and Keith through this most difficult time

Please try try to live just this moment, then the

next moment until you get through today. Let

tomorrow worry about itself.

Many prayers coming your way

[KarHart]

Carleen,

It is absolutely heartbreaking to read about how much pain you are in. It is obvious you are scared about a lot of different things now. I am worried that you are dangerously depressed. Please find a professional to start helping you now. Many of us are much older than you and have already gone through tough heartbreaks in our lives. For someone so young it can be really difficult and just overwhelming. You need to talk to someone who can help guide you through this awful time and who will be able to help you later. This monster disease can also destroy the lifes of the loved ones of the person who is battling it. You need help to fight your own battle. All of us here understand what you are feeling and we will help anyway we can, but please seek help from a counselor who is trained to help you deal with your fears. I am so sorry that you and your husband both are in so much pain. You will be in my prayers.

Karen H

[MilliBr1]

Carleen, if this were me I would feel just as you do, my heart breaks for you. Sometimes it is impossible to understand God and His ways. Just when we are the angriest at Him is when we need Him the most. I will be praying extra hard for Keith and for you.

[Don M]

Carleen: You can't carry that much pain around for long, so just let it spill out over the top as you have done here. The only thing I can think of is to just acknowledge your pain and move forward. You and Keith have my continued prayers.

Don M

[shineladysue]

Carleen,

I am so so very sorry. I would give anything to have the power to take away the pain you and I and so many others feel as we go through this horrible nightmare. Sending prayers.

Love,

Sue

[cindi o'h]

I hear your words of hopelessness and anger.

They are justifide.

Time to shout at something, somebody and pound some fists until it all comes out.

I am sorry for the bad reports, Carleen.

Cindi o'h

[Treebywater]

Know that even though it feels as if you can't do this any longer, that it's obvious that you ARE doing it, and that is so admirable.

Your post just broke my heart. I just ache for you. We will hold you in your brokeness and my hope and prayer is that you will really literally feel HELD right where you are.

I would be so angry too. I am angry for you. I wish there was more I could say or do. Just wish I could somehow get to where you are and just sit with you or let you soak my shoulder.

Sending you as much strength as I can.

love,

Val

[carolhg]

I am so sorry for the pain and the agony that you are have. I pray that God give you strength. My prayers are for you and Brian.

[SDianneB]

Carleen, I'm so sorry things are going so rotten for the two of you. You're in my prayers.

Di

[ma's kid]

Gentle hugs, sweet Carleen~

Libby

[shelliemacs]

Carlene,

my cousin went through your experiance two years ago new years day. Her 33 year old husband died of cancer. She was 30 and had a 2 year old. in Three days she will have made it past the 2nd anniversary of losing him.

how did she do this. to this day she could only say she got up, took a breath, and laid down again. She is still in pain and still grieving, and lives in a routine that she never ever wanted to be in. She still hopes someday to be able to live life again, right now she just exists to breath and that is it.

Keith is still here, you can hold him and love him and tell him he is your every breath.

IF someday he makes the journey before you, you will exist FOR him and live FOR him. don't think so much about the without him part. He will never part from your heart, just from the visible eye. He is your heart and will ALWAYS be your heart.

don't give up yet, todays page is still unwritten in front of you both.

just don't let the day come, when you too make the journey, and if he did go before you and you meet up with him again, don't let his first words to you be "My love why did you spend so much time missing me when I was always with you.".

Carlene, Keith and you share a heart so your life is also his life. If a day comes when he is not physicially there, he is still there just look a little harder.