Carleen Posted December 29, 2005 Share Posted December 29, 2005 I am in shock. I can feel air going in my lungs, I can feel my heart beating but I don't know how it can be possible for my body to function when every cell is screaming in agony. How can I keep standing and keep going on like this. Sunday was wonderful, but it only takes a couple of days for the world to flip upside down and everything turn so ugly. It now seems like Christmas was so long ago and so far away. Today Keith received the results of his Brain, neck and spinal MRI. Let me start by saying that the MRI is not even complete as the power went out at the hospital while Keith was in the machine so they weren't able to tell us about the majority of the spine. However, the new results are that a few of the lesions in his brain have grown. But that is not the biggest concern. The liver is what worries them. There are now so many tumors that as the onc says "if you were to sit down in front of the scans and try to count you'd be there for a long time" there are too many to bother counting. Keith also has a new tumor on his 6th vertibrae and one in his thyriod gland. Add those to the progression we just found out about last week and it just keeps coming. I feel like I've been hit by a car, it stopped and backed up and ran over me again. I just can't do this any more. I try to stay positive, I try and not let him see me worried because he needs to know that he is going to be ok, and to know that I believe it. What he needs is all that matters, but I feel like I am dying myself. I wish I was dying myself. I am so scared that I will not be able to bear up to and support him as I watch him get sicker and sicker. I can not bear to lose him. HE IS EVERYTHING TO ME. I say that not like a loving wife-hallmark sentiment. It is more an all consuming, obsessive, stalker, mad passionate, complete loss of self identity type of statement. I've tried to think about how I'd get past this, but there is nothing. I have no interests outside of him. Everything I do and have ever done has been for him, even before he became ill. I have no goals or desires outside of him. You know how they say men think about sex every 6 seconds, well I think about Keith every 3 seconds of every day. But the beautiful thing is it has always been equally returned. What will I have without that? I am nothing without him and I want to be nothing without him. How do I go forward? How do I put on that brave face and tell myself he is going to beat this when I am so afraid? How do I function, eat breath, live, when every pulse beat hurts when air burns my lungs and his glance upon my skin leaves a permanent brand? I can not do it? I want to scream at God to stop this, it isn't fair. I want to hate him to be angry with God, I need to be able to blame someone. But in my heart I know he isn't doing this to us. God is our only hope. Oh God just please kill me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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