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My Heart is Breaking

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I want to thank everyone for the amazing support... through all of this, my darling 13 day old is just thriving. Caroline is bringing such joy to everyone involved and is definitely a special gift from God at this point.

I am still shocked at how quickly my mom has declined, it all happened in a weekend. Now, she is sleeping a lot more, still has hours of being quite lucid, but is close to 100% bed ridden (we can help her to the bathroom.)

I feel trememndous guilt that I just want her to be completely at peace -- I desperately don't want her to die or to leave all of us, but I can't stand the thought of her just lying in bed -- the realities of never talking to her again, having her hug me, calling her about every little thing are really starting to hit me -- and I feel crushed. On top of everything, I feel like I need to worry so much about my dad. He is losing his soul mate of 45 years.

Our family has been so blessed - I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, but I do. I am losing my best friend to something that no one ever deserves to go through.

Hospice has been a great support, but every day just seems so long (and the nights with a newborn are even longer.)

Thank you for letting me vent. I am just heart broken.


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Wishing your mom a peaceful transition out of this world into another is something lovely for her, not something to evoke guilt. It's what I'd want, wouldn't you? Sometimes, when I pray, I ask God to do "what is in the person's highest good" - I may not know what that will be, but God knows.

Sending all caring thoughts and strength to all of you to make it through this.


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Holly, we're with you. what a mixed bag you have right now, I can't imagine. no guilt - you're a great, loving daughter who doesn't want her mother's suffering prolonged. it's an incredibly unselfish act to desire that her struggle ends soon, because that's when the harder part for you may begin.

you're incredible, and we're with you in spirit.



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Hi Holly,

I feel for you as I know what you are going though. We just never think that one day our moms will leave us as they are always our biggest supporters through-out our lives.

It seems that the man upstairs has other plans for your mom. I pray she is at peace and her passing will be quick.

My heart is heavy for you. Hold onto all those wonderful memories. That has help me so much. My mom is always alive in my heart, and I know even though she is in another demension, she is there watching over me with all the love a mother has for her child.

Please take care of youself and your baby.


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Crying with you here... and just so can relate to where you are. Carolyn would wake up every time Mom woke up for her last few weeks. Like she knew her Gramma was struggling... wanting to care for them both was such a pull even as caring for them was a joy and a blessing.

And I so know what you mean about just wanting her to be at peace--even as the realities of what that mean come crushing in.

Hold onto those times--brief though they are--when your Mom is very much able to act herself. The rest of the time she still IS herself and feels your love... but bask in the times when she can show it. You will treasure those moments up and they will sustain you.

Here for you. Please call if you need to chat.



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I do understand you, it is so hard to see an active

and caring person, just fade away from sickness.

Your father and Caroline will all need you.

I lost my Mon thirty years ago and when I feel

my need for her I just read this.

She Is Just Away

You cannot say, you must not say

That she is dead, she is jut away!

With a cheery smile and a wave of the hand.

She has wandered into an unknown land

And left us dreaming how very fair

It needs must be, since she lingers there;

So think of her faring on, as dear

In the love of There as the love of Here,

Think of her still as the same, and say

She is not dead, she is just away.

(James Whitcomb Riley)



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Dear Holly,

I have absolutely no idea of what your feelings and emotions must be right now. All I do know is that I think of you often, praying that you receive all the strength necessary to see you through this difficult time.

I look at the picture of you and your beautiful Mother and it breaks my heart that she most likely won't be experiencing all the firsts with you and your darling little girl.



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Dear Holly, I do know what you are going through. My mom passed from breast cancer when my Megan was just 2 months old. Mom was in Dallas and I was in Miami. You are blessed to have here near. I miss my Mom to this day but I know she is in a place that knows no pain. My heart is with you at this time.


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Oh Holly, and my heart is breaking with you and for you too. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with I think. I hate the suffering and all of the pain of this disease. It has made our moms/best friends frail and weak and unable to care for themselves. I hate this for my mom too so I know exactly how you feel.

I am glad that you will have pictures of your mom and baby girl together. Those are pricelss and what will get you through. Our moms will forver watch over us.

If you need anything, please PM me. I am happy to help, listen, and just care.

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So sorry your mom is doing so poorly.

the one thing I have always asked of God is,

if and when he decides to take my Alan, to

do so with as little suffering as possible.

To ask for your mom to be a peace is an unselfish

act on your part. It would be selfish to want to

hold on to her in her suffering.

my prayers to you and your family

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Of course you should be feeling sorry for

yourself, you have every right to.

Your mother is losing her battle with

this horrible disease and you, your

mother and your daughter are all going

to miss out on so much together.

It's very hard to lose a parent and you

had very little warning, everything is

happening too fast for you, plus you have

father to worry about.

You must feel like you're about to lose it.

Please try to take care of yourself, you'll

need your strength

Come and vent whenever you want or feel the


Take care


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My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family at this time.

I can't imagine what you are going through at this time, Be strong and just look at beautiful girl you have and you will all ways see and have your Mom there plus in your Heart.



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I am relatively new around here but have read several of your post and wanted to add my thoughts and prayers as well. And to say that your thoughts of wanting complete peace for your mom don't sound at all selfish or ungrateful to me...actually quite the opposite!

You seem to be an incredibly strong and loving daughter/person! I pray that I have your strength and grace as our family continues to battle this disease.

Peace be with your family!


P.S. Your new blessing is beautiful! Cherish each moment for the slip away way to fast.

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