Treebywater Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 I took down the Christmas Tree today, and I can't entirely explain why.... but it felt like I was burying Mom all over again. I guess it was maybe because it was all of HER ornaments I was taking down. And each one I touched brought back a memory--of Christmases when I was little, or putting up the tree with Mom (that was always OUR thing to do)... There was the ornament with the photo of the house that Mom grew up in that she cherished, and the crystal egg ornament that she loved so much... all the little wooden ornaments that we've hung since I was little.... Each one I took down, and put away and couldn't look at again. And it just made me feel like I was losing her all over. It's been a tough couple of days inside my head. Outside of it, I'm doing very well, but inside different things are hitting pretty hard. Last night, I lay in bed for a long time thinking about Mom's last few days--little things about that time... Moments that she looked at Daddy and I could tell he was still her sweetheart, and moments when she called me by my aunt's name instead of mine... and how angry I was at my aunt for stealing Mom's last few lucid days (I'm not angry at her... it's not her fault... but when I think of that I AM angry). I thought of all the music I put in and listened to with her after the confusion had taken over and she wasn't able to verbalize anymore. I was just so hoping that the HER part of her still heard. I thought of her hands... and holding them, and the way her fingernails always looked... I thought of how angry I got with my aunt when she left in a huff a few days before Mom died... Just so many difficult things to remember. And they all sting just as much. The thing is... I DO think I'm 'doing better.' But I don't really 'feel' better. All the grief I feel is every bit as bitter and intense as it was in the beginning and as it began to sink in. It's just... I don't live in it as constantly. It's always there... but I'm not always looking at it. So... I didn't mean to write all of that, but I did. I miss my Mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancy c Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 Do email me so we can get together these next few weeks if possible. I am feeling as you do. I don't feel better..but I'm doing better. I had a rough week. I think about Mike and my brother Ron everyday..constantly...as you do your dear mother. I suppose it is part of the healing..if there ever is healing. Do take care, I know this is a difficult journey and is not fair. God bless, Nancy C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 It is so hard to deal with those special things when your heart is aching so much. Just remember one thing. You have the right to feel those things. You can be strong for others and move on but inside you are still grieving. That is nothing to be ashamed of. It is just a sign of how much love you have for your mom. Those same things that you put away and don't want to look at will be the things you will seek in the years to come. When the pain isn't so sharp you will want to spend time with each of those things and bring up those memories. So much of our life and love is based on memory. Give yourself the time that you need and when the time is right you will take out each of those precious memories and hold them close to your heart. God Bless you and Donna and all of us who have to live a life without those we love. That is the hardest part of being a surviver. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gerbil runner Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 I miss my mom, too. She played Christmas music on handbells and guitar. She made crafts for us to enjoy. My dad has taken off his wedding ring, yet seems so lost sometimes. It hurts. I guess sometimes the only thing you can do is go through the hurt, and hold up the beautiful memories on the other side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenl Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 Val, I know exactly what you mean Hang in there..... Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 The painand emptiness is so hard to deal with. I have a bowl of change that Mark kept for his salon, the other night I was taking a quarter and I broke down in tears..I could not take it because I knew he saved it and it would never be replaced by him again..Needless to say, the bowl of change was added to the shrine..My heart goes out to you and i know the pain you are in, Lillian is right and one day we will take out those Christmas balls, Angels, ornaments, change bowl and be able to smile when we see them.. Asking God for strength for all of us!! Donna K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kel M Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 I know the feeling, Val. Hang in there! Kel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 (((Val))), Don't you think that simply taking down the tree is sad every year? For some reason I always feel melancholy each year I do it. I am not sure why. Maybe because the holiday memories are all warm and fuzzy and the taking down the tree sort of finalizes things - not that I don't feel warm and fuzzy other time - can't really explain it. Although your dear Mama was not here to celebrate Christmas this year, 2005 was her last year on this earth. Taking down the 2005 tree, I feel certain, represented something very final in your mind. Again, I am not exactly sure what, but something. You were taking off HER ornaments in HER house. Oh Val, that HAD to be very difficult. Give yourself some leeway with your feelings. My own Mother LOVED Christmas and for years she and my Dad would spend Christmas week with me. She LOVED the Christmas tree. Mother died in 1985. I STILL can get a little weepy when I decorate or undecorate the tree. And that is just the way it is. Love you, Val. You are doing WAY better than what you give yourself credit for. Love, Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmek Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 (((((((((((VAL)))))))))))) I cannot imagine how much you miss your mom. I try to prepare myself, but you cannot no matter how you try. Hang in there, as I do really believe that it will be better one day. Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitkathi Posted January 8, 2006 Share Posted January 8, 2006 Oh Val, I know what you mean. This year I did not get the pleasure that I normally feel when I put up my tree. Christmas was truly something that Pop's was nuts about. My brother e-mailed me some photos of him and mom with their tree in the background. They told me it was a small tree, but when I saw the tree they had I cried. It was one of those tiny trees about 12 inches tall. Pop's is rolling over now!! They both promised me that they would put up one of Pop's 3 large trees next year. My mom figured that if she had a tiny tree she wouldn't see it and therefore would not cry every time she passed by it. It is so hard..... Kathi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jana_W Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Val, I totally get it. I was very surprised that I actually felt sadder when Christmas was finished with. I think it was as Kasey said, that 2005 was the last year Mum was here with us, so taking down the tree and finishing with Christmas for 2005 was pretty significant. It made me so sad to think that we'd actually finished our first Christmas without Mum. And from now on, every Christmas would be one without Mum. I also spend alot of time thinking about Mum's last few weeks as she slowly deteriorated and it's so terribly haunting. So many images and feelings I can't get out of my mind. I presume it's all part of the grieving process, but it sure isn't pretty. I was watching Dad with Veronika (my little girl) yesterday and was so sad to think that Mum never got to meet her or see how cute she was, or see me as a Mum. I hadn't thought about that side of things for a while, but I felt it pretty acutely yesterday. Anyway, like you Val, the feelings just don't go away, do they? It just seems so absurd to me that Mum actually did die. Love Jana xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted January 9, 2006 Author Share Posted January 9, 2006 It just seems so absurd to me that Mum actually did die. Jana--I swear you can't write a post or a PM where something doesn't just jump out at me and make me go EXACTLY!!! And this time it was that quote. I think the reason that I don't constantly 'live in the grief' these days is that it does seem so absurd... so my mind sort of dismisses it... and then, something jars me out of it, and I think... WHAT?! You are so right. It just seems absurd. Thank you for again giving words to my thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindi o'h Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Dear Val, there will come the day when the stings that sting will still sting and you will be prepared and be in a place to know how to get them to stop. You are brave and dear. Cindi o'h Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Dear Val, I am right there with ya!! I too lay in bed for hours and think about the last week of Dads life... and I think I am doing it because I don't want to forget one second of it.... and if I don't relive it in my mind often... I am afraid I just might forget a detail. Does that make any sense? I keep saying, I should write it all down somewhere, but I never seem to do it. Maybe that would make it too final to see it in black and white. It then becomes permanent. We didn't purchase the stone for Dads grave for about 6 months... the day i went to the cemetary and saw that big black stone with his name on it tore me apart!!! It was like, oh my god, he is DEAD!!! I am sorry you are going through this... oh how I wish we all lived closer so we could sit over coffee and really hash this stuff out... I think we could all learn so much from each other. Love, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Dear Val, I am right there with ya!! I too lay in bed for hours and think about the last week of Dads life... and I think I am doing it because I don't want to forget one second of it.... and if I don't relive it in my mind often... I am afraid I just might forget a detail. Does that make any sense? I keep saying, I should write it all down somewhere, but I never seem to do it. Maybe that would make it too final to see it in black and white. It then becomes permanent. We didn't purchase the stone for Dads grave for about 6 months... the day i went to the cemetary and saw that big black stone with his name on it tore me apart!!! It was like, oh my god, he is DEAD!!! I am sorry you are going through this... oh how I wish we all lived closer so we could sit over coffee and really hash this stuff out... I think we could all learn so much from each other. Love, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 (((((((((((((Val)))))))))))))))) Taking down the tree has always been a sad time for me. I'm always depressed for a few says after the tree is down and the lights are gone. Since Dennis died, it was hard for me to even have enough Christmas spirit to put up a tree. For teo years, I had to remind myself what Christmas was really all about and push myself into the "mood." This year was easier and I felt alive once again. You will always miss your mom at this time of year but as Carolyn grows, this will become a really special time for you once again. You will see your mother's love when Carolyn's little eyes light up at the sight of the tree. Hope you're feeling better! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeR Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Val, I read your post and I wanted to cry because I know how you are feeling. I find night time lying in bed very difficult. Even after almost 16 months since my dad passed away I find nights very hard. This seems to be the time when the memories of those last few weeks creep in and just tear me apart. I understand your statement "I DO think I'm 'doing better.' But I don't really 'feel' better." I feel the same and I guess maybe that is part of the grieving journey. Often I think to myself that I just can't believe he died and is gone. It seemed to all happen so fast. But in reality it was over a period of 8 months! I am rambling on here so I will stop. But I did want you to know I care, I know how you feel, and how hard it is to be without your loved one. I hope this is a better year for all. Take Care Val. Diane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunny Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 (((val))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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