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Why is my husband doing this?

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Let me explain that my mother inlaw passed away of an unknow source last February she was in Florida we are in Boston so we didn't get to she her at the end. My husband still hasn't grieved for her. I know he probably doesn't haven't ther strenght to be there for me but we are fighting a lot. Because of all the time I am spending with my mom. I would hope he would understant since she doesn't have long. But he doesn't. we got into another fight last night about my cell phone bill that was $300.00 because I have used it a lot since my mom was in the hospital. And this morning when I went on the computer I found that he was looking at info on legal separation. You are got to be kidding me. I don't need this right know. Why he is attacking me. I call his sister because I don't want my family to know about this. She things he need professional help. Because of his guilt of not being ther when his mom died. If he didn't want me to find about it he wouldn't have left the web page open for me. I don't know what to do or say. I only cried because I am broken already and I don't have any strenght in me!


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Martha, I am so very sorry you are in this situation right now. Dealing with your mothers illness should be more than enough for you to handle. I do know that grief can strike many emotions in people. Grieving has different stages and, unfortunately, one of those stages is anger. Perhaps your husband does feel guilty for not being there to say goodbye to his mother. If he doesn't know how to deal with that anger, he may be directing it to the person closest to him...you! I think you should approach him about the matter, in a gentle and caring way. Let him know that you are facing your mothers illness and can sympathize with what he is going through right now. Maybe you could suggest doing something near your home in memory of his mother. That might make him feel closer to his mom. There are many things that can be done in memory of people. I know this group has lots of great ideas and suggestions. I love the idea of planting a tree in someone's memory. Often, a city will add a little sign with the person's name on it if the tree is in a park. I'm sending hugs and good thoughts your way. Also saying lots of prayers for you and your family.

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I have no input on the whys... I'm so sorry this is happening.

I do know that when things get to this point with loved ones who are running out of time family tensions get REALLY HIGH really quick. It seems so unfair on top of everything else... But I get the feeling that it's really common.

Hopefully things will calm down, and he'll be more rational soon. (((hugs)))) hang in there. I know it's terribly difficult.

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Certainly you don't need this, what a blow. I am going to assume that the separation agreement was left up to get your attention. You are going to have to have a heart to heart talk with him and find out what his problem is--if it is time away from him, the bills you're running up, exactly what it is. Once you know then you can work on it. Hang in there.

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Once upon a time, I had a husband who "won" every argument with the statement, "That's how it's going to be and if you don't like it, don't let the door hit you on the *ss on your way out."

...and one day, I left.

Your circumstances are known only to you. Weigh the pros and cons, talk to a marriage counselor, BOTH of you, see what is going on and have someone on the outside offer ways to get along - or call a divorce attorney. To heck with a legal separation, why bother?

ANYHOW, hope it all works out for the best.


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Grief is a difficult thing. My hubs and I fight...and for a while it was because it was easier to be mad at me than at his family. When his dad died of NSCLC, I had to carry the weight of his grief. Now that my dad is sick...and he started to flare up on the wrongs I did so long ago in regards tohis family (his perception) I had to say enough...either go get counseling or lets end everything. Either forgive me or leave me...but stop beating me up with your grief while I have the burden of loving another person sick with cancer.

I think he heard me...it's been all quiet on the western front ever since.

I hate to ask you to be strong enough to carry more....and i do not pretend to know why our selected partners think they can do the unfair things they do.

This much i know is true.....Death and dying can bring out the best and the worst of a person. Have a heart to heart with him. Praise him for all the good things he has done in helping you deal with your mom. Perhaps that will help him remember how good you've been to him too during this difficult time. Remind him that tough times are followed by good time. Implore him to not give up..if that is your wish.

Much love and prayers,


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Dear Martha,

I would like to chime in here and also express my sorrow that you are having this difficulty at the same time you are so involved with your mom.

You don't have a profile, so I went back and checked your posts and see that your mom is not doing well and hospice has been brought in. I know what you are going through because I went through similar circumstances with both my mom and my dad.

I feel there are a lot of things that we just don't know about you since you are so new here. I know you haven't had time to give us much info, but I was wondering about a few things, things you don't have to answer, and things I don't think you SHOULD answer on this board or to me or to anyone - only to yourself.

How long have you and your husband been married? Do you have children? Did you have a great relationship before your husband's mom died, and after, or was it kind of stormy/rocky even before that time? or did it start after your mom got sick? How much time are you actually spending with your mom, and are you the only family member there to help with her or are there others?

The reason I ask these questions is because I know there are always two sides to every story. It sounds like your husband is incredibly jealous of your time away from him. Was he the jealous type before your mom got sick? Was he controlling of your time before your mom got sick?...or...Is his behavior just totally out-of-character for him? If it's TOTALLY out-of-character for him, then he might truly being having guilt feelings because of not seeing his own mom before she died. Of course, I don't know.

When my parents were ill (5 years apart) and in the dying process, I spent quite a bit of time with both of them and a lot of time away from my husband, especially during their last week of life. It was very difficult for me to do, but I worked very, very hard at still trying to keep things reasonably sane at home and staying in touch a LOT - by phone, by email, by whatever means. Like I said, it was hard, and it was exhausting, but I did the best I could. Your husband and family are just as important at this time as your mom is - your mom just needs more of your physical attention right now.

I had the advantage that my husband and I had been married for a very long time and had a solid foundation. Also, he loved my parents almost as much as I did, and he appreciated that I did everything I could to help them.

IF, and I say IF because I really don't know, but IF you and your husband have had a stormy relationship, and IF your husband isn't close to your mother, and IF he was controlling before her illness (or any combination of these things), and IF you have pretty much ignored your husband since your mom got sick, then I doubt that just talking to him about it will help. You said in your post . . .

we are fighting a lot. Because of all the time I am spending with my mom

. . . so I assume that you have been "talking" about it - at least in some fashion. I know the time isn't right at this time because of everything going on with your mom, but maybe later you could talk to your husband about the two of you getting some counseling together, if some of these problems were there before your mom's illness.

I don't know why I felt so compelled to write to you about this. I've actually been pretty inactive on the board since my husband died, but for some reason I felt drawn to respond to you. I can tell from your previous posts that you are suffering terribly over your mom, and now, after seeing the legal separation web site that your husband visited, you have another stress piled on top of everything else. This can't be easy, and I think your post reflects that you are really having a hard time. I hope nothing I said here upsets you further. I just thought it might help if you looked back over your relationship before your mom became ill to see if perhaps some of these problems may have already been in the brewing pot.

Please know that I care and I am praying to God for comfort for your mother, for peace for you, and for healing for your marriage.

God bless you,


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Hi Martha,

Becky really said alot that came from her heart.

All I can add is it is better to get it out in the open then to keep it so bottled up inside you feel like you are going to explode at any time.

That is not healthy for you. I do not know your situation before all this happened either. I can just symphasize with you and hope this will be straightened out soon. You need some peace of mind. You are carrying around too much on your shoulders. You need to lighten that load.

How...I wish I had an answer.

My heart and prayers goes out to you.


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