Treebywater Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 It's my birthday today (no not fishing for birthday wishes) and I really didn't think that it would be that hard of a day as far as the Mom factor goes... but so far it sure has been. When Dad came home this morning, one of the birthday things he brought me was a card, and he'd signed both Dad and Mom. Mom's best friend Sarah called to wish me happy birthday... and I know she did so because Mom couldn't. And Sarah just plain makes me cry anyway... Even more than Daddy is she is this major connection to my Mom right now. Whether I see her in a store, or talk to her on the phone, or have dinner with her I always end up crying afterwards. And it's good, but it's sad. And then the worst of all... I put together a photo album last night and this morning of special pictures of Mom. And I shared it with Dad this morning. I guess I did so without thinking of how he would really react--and in my defense--he has 'bounced back' so much so quickly that I sometimes forget that things might sting him. He looked through all of it, and then just broke down... then left the room and went outside... He's just about stopped smoking top, but he lit up outside. I just felt so terribly bad... I feel like we have to tiptoe around the Mom issue here... because Daddy doesn't want to think about it too much. But I wanted to share this with him, because, frankly--who else would really care? But it hurt him, and I should have thought of that... I hope that in some way, the pictures were special to him, but I feel so bad for hurting him. So anyway... on with the day, I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kel M Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 I just wanted to respond to your post to tell you not to beat yourself up about sharing the book of pictures with your Dad. It was a thoughtful thing to do and reflects the love you have for your family. Grief is a funny thing as you well know - it ebbs and flows. You shared a gift with your Dad, and it will outweigh the sadness in the end. I just know it. Happy Birthday! Kel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finster Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Happy Birthday, Val! Wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Nothing is the same without our moms, and I don't guess it ever will be. Wishing you nothing but the best today and always. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Oh, Val. I am so very sorry that this special day is such a sad one for you! I sometimes forget just how much you have had to deal with. Most women would have a very hard time coping with their husbands being in the military far away from home while dealing with a new baby (beautiful Carolyn). On top of this you are dealing with the pain of losing your mom. I know you weren't fishing but here goes anyway.... (((((((((((((((((((Happy Birthday, Val))))))))))))))) You're a real treasure!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Have been thinking of you all day, Val. I thought it would be a hard day. I AM so sorry. Hope knowing so many care about you can somehow help the tiniest bit. Love you ((((Val)))), Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunny Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Val, I wish I knew what to say. I have not walked the road you're on, but I can tell you that bringing up feelings for someone in a loving way, even if the feelings are hard on them, is not always bad. you're a wonderful, loving daughter. I think you dad was acknowledging the huge loss you guys suffered with the way he signed the card and you reciprocated with the pictures. gosh, I wish I could say something useful. and, you know Val, a birthday is a beautiful thing. so I wish you peace and joy for the year to come. happy birthday, Val. xoxo amie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 I too wish you a good year ahead. Birthdays are right up there with other holidays when you lose someone. They all hurt. I remember shopping for a Mother's day card for my husbands mom and I had a real hard time doing it the first few years after my mom died. As for your dad, don't beat yourself up. His tears were already there and it may be a good thing that they came to the surface. Beleive me when I say avoiding talking about her will not make it easier for him. I keep remembering that poem about a elephant if the room. Sometimes it is much harder when people ignore it than when they talk about it openly. Thoughts and prayers going out to you for peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancy c Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Val, happy birthday. It is hard to celebrate when you're missing some one so special in your life. You didn't hurt your Dad, you just triggered all the memories he has and he let it out. It's O.K. He loves her very much too. Us parents try not to break down in front of our children...we are protecting them as usual. God bless, Nancy C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 (((Val)) Happy Birthday..I am so sorry you are upset on your special day..I hope the years ahead are healthy and happier for you.. God bless.. Donna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miami Janet Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 Hi Val, I dont think you hurt your Dad showing him the photos...I think we all want totalk about and see pictures of our lost loved ones but when we do it makes is miss them at that moment. I agree that Moms are irreplaceable , I know nobody else will worry if I have a birthday cake every year even though Im 43 years old like myMom did every year. Happpy birthday...Mom is watching Im sure...Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 Hi Val, Thinking of you sweetie. Sorry your day was dampened by the memory of your mom. But you know that your mom would want you to have a good birthday. I know she was smiling upon you today. As far as the book, it is your mom and of course you would want to share it with your dad. Your dad's response was the love he has for her. Don't beat yourself up. You did right. I just wish your day went better after all it is your birthday and with all you have been through you deserve a happy one. So Happy Birthday to you and I wish you so many more that will be so much happier than todays. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 Val, Today being your birthday was probably very rough on your dad. When you celebrate birthdays with little Carolyn, you will remember back to bringing her home and it will hit you how much she has grown since that day. Your dad would have had a bittersweet day even without looking through the book just by looking at you. You didn't do anything, you are just living on, a piece of his wonderful wife and confirmation that life with her really did happen - that life was not a dream. Hang in there, healing takes a long time when the hurt runs so deep. Be kind to yourself. ..and happy birthday. xxoo, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 I have tears in my eyes reading your post, your pain must be so intense. I am so sorry you have to suffer through this I ditto what Snowflake says. She always articulates better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eppie Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 ((((((((Val))))))))) Oh sweetie, Hang in there. Please know I am thinking about you. I don't know which is worse....the cancer or the grief after. It all stinks. I am glad you made the photo album. I am praying for time to heal the pain you and your dad feel. Much love, Eppie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patkid Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 (((Val))) Love you, honey. You are doing all things w. love and kindness. Only good can come from that. Much love P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 (((Val))) Happy Birthday Val. I agree with Nancy C.. You just triggered your Dad's feelings , but it will be ok Val. I hope there will be some smiles in your day and I truly believe your Mom is smiling down on you. Love, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
francesbean Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 Happy happy birthday, Val! I hope you had a good.. no, great one, notwithstanding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jana_W Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Hi Val Sorry I am a bit late on this one. I am sorry you had such a tough day on your birthday. It must have been hard for you to put together the photo album, but also very special at the same time. I was putting together an album which began with a photo of me in my last week of pregnancy, and was followed with all photos of my little Veronika after she was born a few months ago, and I got halfway through and burst into tears when I realised that Mum was not going to be in this album at all. I haven't gotten back to it since, but I will one day. I also don't think you need to feel bad for feelings of upsetting your Dad. The other day I was talking about Mum with my husband and I started to cry. He felt badly and wanted to change the subject as he could see how upset I was. But I eplained to him that changing the subject wouldn't make any difference to the sadness I was feeling, it would just mean he couldn't see it, and that would perhaps make him feel better. But it really wouldn't affect me. So you see, I don't think you really did upset your Dad, as he probably already was and is feeling that sadness anyway. The tears just made you realise this. I hope that makes sense. Thinking of you,as always Val. Love to you and Carolyn Jana xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirleyb Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Val, Belated happy birthday. What a sweet thing you did to share your book with your father. I know you think you caused him pain, but you didn't. The pain was there, just needing to come out. I know my kids have done similar things that made me cry but also helped me heal. It has not been that long for you and the firsts are always hard. You wonder how you will ever make it, but you do. It helps sometimes to be able to share not only your memories but your tears. We then realize we are not the only one stuggleing with the saddness of losing those we love. Take care dear one. Shirleyb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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