Broke down in doc's office...(long, sorry)

[battleofbrooklyn]

My mom (63, sclc) finished 10 rounds of radiation two weeks ago and had a follow-up with her oncologist yesterday. She's been in a terrible state the last few days -- sleeping all the time, not wanting to eat or drink, depressed. When the doc came in, she was lying down on the exam table and didn't even lift her head.

I had assumed the fatigue was from the radiation, which I understood to be common, and my mom asked if that was the case. He busts out with, "I would have expected you to be feeling better this long after radiation. It could be the cancer that's making you this tired, which would be bad, because we can't really treat the cancer with anything but chemotherapy and you're too weak for more chemo."

At this point, I started to mist up, which I have NEVER done at a doctor's appointment. Then my poor mom asked, "So I'm dying?" And I couldn't hold back. Tears just welled up and a few ran down my face. The more I tried to hold it in, the worse it seemed to make it. The doctor seemed really awkward, but my mom remained totally calm. She asked how much more time she might have if she did get strong enough for chemo ("hard to say") and whether they would make sure she wasn't in pain ("of course"). The doc then said, "We might want to talk about hospice at some point."

Let me say, this doctor has been wonderful with my mother, who adores him. But she has never asked about prognosis and he has never discussed it, so it was sort of overwhelming to hear him give his "we may be at the end of the road" spiel like that.

I felt terrible about crying and apologized to mom, explaining that I'd never heard her speak in those terms before and it was upsetting. She cried a little, too, but said she felt like she needed to know what is going on with her.

Then we went to the chemo room for some hydration, and when I stepped outside for a minute, I heard the nurses talking about us. "So she really just broke down in there?" "Not the patient -- the daughter!" I was quite shocked. Even though I felt bad about crying -- which I have rarely done in front of my mother -- it seems like a lung cancer medical office would be used to that sort of thing. It's not like I was wailing and pounding my chest. But we have been relentlessly cheerful at all the previous appointments, so maybe they were just shocked?

This morning she seemed really down and fatalistic, and I can't help feeling my crying contributed to that. Basically, I feel awful, like I let her down at a crucial moment.

I did tell her that the fatigue could well be from the radiation, and that she could get her strength back, and that she could try another chemo, and that maybe she's not gonna be around for 20 more years, but who's to say she won't be around this time next year. But she didn't seem too convinced -- even though the fluids she got yesterday have pepped her up quite a bit.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

[terriep]

(((((brooklyn))))

[MilliBr1]

I think your reaction was perfectly normal and I don't understand why the nurses would feel it wasn't. Also when my mom began getting weaker, while we knew it might be cancer, the doctors first did PET, CT, and a MRI to see if that was what was really going on. Is your doctor going to do some scans to see if the cancer is spreading? If not I think he should. How long has your mom not been eating or drinking? Maybe she is losing her strenght and tired from not enough nourishment. I wouldn't give up yet until they can confirm its the cancer. You both are in my prayers.

[nancy c]

It's ok to cry. You are just showing your love and emotions for your Mother. You are human. Don't beat yourself up over it. Cancer effects everyone involved..not just the patient. I wish you and your family well. God bless, Nancy C

[Ry]

You call that a breakdown? The local hospital still remembers mine from 3 years ago. I sobbed, great big racking sobs. I got it somewhat under control but the tears would not stop. It is normal, don't be embarrassed. As you know from reading here...no one knows how long your mom has so I hope she keeps up the fight.

[Andrea]

Crying is natural. My mom gets teary eyes at time just hugging the oncologist.

I personally cry all the time. Most recently when we found out she had to get the bypass, the dr was explaining to me, and I just cried. I couldn't help it.

Don't be embrassed Only be embarassed if you are robotic and don't have emotions.

You did NOT let your mom down. Please do not think that! And I say that out of self-centeredness b/c if yoru crying let her down, then I let my mom down so many times down this road, a road which stinks

And PS--my mom was so fatigued with radiation, it was worse than chemo for her

[Fay A.]

The staff should be reported to your Mother's physician with a strong suggestion that they be given a little bit of "...sensitivity training..." and a little crash course in patient privacy. This kind of thing infuriates me.

Just because someone is working in the medical care profession does not mean they belong there.

Please, consider writing to your Mom's physician and telling him what you told us. He should know what kind of people he has working for him.

[Treebywater]

Oh dear... of course you would cry! I just want to smack those nurses, and I agree with Fay.

I also agree that perhaps some scans need to be done to find out what is REALLY going on. Seems to me like 'fatigue' could come from a variety of places. I know your Mom likes her Doc and that's wonderful, but even the likable ones need to be kept on their toes.

I can totally empathize with the 'meltdown moment.' I had one very memorable one as well.... only mine was... well it was in front of Mom and because of something she had said about my cooking. I just lost it... And I felt so very terrible about it.

THAT melt down moment (which just sounds to me like a normal reaction to crappy words coming out of your doctor's mouth) is nothing to be ashamed about.

((((hugs))))) to you. See if your Mom would be willing to press a little as to a reason why this fatigue is happening.

And know that you are a WONDERFUL, caring daughter. Your Mom is lucky to have you by her side.

Val

[dchurchi]

It is ok to cry, we can only hold it in for so long. I dove into my husband's radiation oncologists arms crying when he told me about Alan's brain mets. (Alan was in the other room getting radiation). We are only human.

I have had good cries with Alan over our situation. we actually both feel better a couple days later. Kind of like cleansing our souls. Please do not get so down on yourself.

Many prayers are coming your way.

[Don M]

I would just like to say that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Crying is perfectly ok. And I am surprised that the nurses at your doc's office would be commenting on your emotions in what seems like a gossipy manner as if they were bored and had nothing else to do. I know the nurses at my oncologists office would never do anything like that. I hope your mom gets some strength back and can continue with treatment. If she isn't on antidepressants, she should be, in my opinion. They really help.

Don M

[battleofbrooklyn]

for your kind words. Made me feel like less of a loser.

I called the doctor today at my mom's suggestion and insisted she get a CT scan before her next follow-up. I was so happy she brought it up, actually; made me feel like she hasn't given up. She did eat and drink better today and didn't sleep the entire day (lazed around, but watched some TV, took a couple of phone calls, talked more), so I'm really hoping those fluids did her some good -- and I will take her back for more next week if I feel she's getting dehydrated again. Wish I knew how to hook up an IV myself!

Hopefully, each day will be a little better -- I'll let you know.

[mrhodes]

I agree with others on this board; send the administrators of the office a copy of your posting. There is no reason you shouldn't cry. I know we all want to control our emotions. I certainly do, but I have to tell you that I cry at the drop of a hat anymore. Just recently it was in an administrative meeting with colleagues. They just have to live with it.

One of the things we need to learn how to do is accept our emotions and the emotions of others. Compassion is the key. Don't you dare be embarrassed or apologize.

I am thinking of you and your mother.

Melinda

[Ann]

I am so sorry that your mom got this bad news. I know this was very hard for both of you to hear. I think it was very normal for you to have broken down after hearing this type of news. Do people in the medical profession really think that it is only the patient that is broken when they hear the words Hospice and not strong enough for chemo. I think I probably shed many more tears than Dennis did while he was ill. I will be remembering you and your mom in my prayers. Please don't feel bad about breaking down. It only proves you're human.

[jdjenkins]

Don't ever feel bad about showing your emotions. Tears can be very healing for you and your Mom. I cried several times with my Dad. I also cried in the Oncologists office when we decided to sign Dad up for hospice. It seemed so final, we were giving up and accepting death. I really don't understand the nurses comments. I would bet they have never been down this road with someone they love. As hard as this journey is for us to travel we learn such valueable lessons along the way.

My Dad was also very very tired and not eating much. I read on this website how some patients were on steriods for energy. I called the doctor and asked it Dad could be put on them. Once he started those he had more energy and ate like a little pig. He gained 15 pounds the last few months of his life. It was so comforting to see him enjoy food. We had steak, lobster, shrimp, ribs. Whatever he wanted! He ate good until just a few days before his death. The steriods also gave him the strength to make it around the house without assistance. This was so important to my Dad.

God bless you and your family on your journey.

Denise

[tatlyn]

I'm so glad you feel better after having received the responses that you did here. You are NOT a loser in any sense of the word. Your reaction was perfectly normal and the only losers I can see in this are those nurses!! How does anyone find another's expression of sadness worthy of gossip and more incredible, seem to find it out of place??? It defies logic. Keep your chin up and don't let them get you down.

I'm also very glad that your Mom is feeling more herself after getting the fluids...seems that's what she needed.

((((Hugs to You))))

Lynda

[MilliBr1]

Glad to hear your mom wants the scan, I was so worried she was giving up. Yep, keep pushing the fluids they really help.

[Irisheyes]

So glad your mom is feeling better today. I'll continue to keep her in my prayers.

I can't count the times I've lost it the past few months at the office, on a plane, at my sons school..whew...totally freaked out the tire guy when I broke down just trying to tell him I had a nail in my tire. That was the worst! Now my husband and I laugh about it.

[RandyW]

Don't apologize there is no reason to. Its Ok. I am a43 YO male And I Do it sometimes too. When I get Bad news and some times good news.

[carolhg]

Please do not be so hard on yourself. It is okay.

Prayers

[jang]

I can't tell you how many times I cried in the doctors office, and hospitals, and Radiologists... Don't be so hard on yourself. I can't believe you have been so strong this long. I pray that she feels better soon, so it will put you both at ease.

[kamataca]

So...are you seeing a patter developing here? Either we're ALL terrible people, or a good cry every now and then is perfectly acceptable...even in front of you mom.

At first, I had a "wonderful" plan...I seemed to do all of my crying in the car. That made for some great driving, I'm sure. Plus, I'd walk into work all red-eyed. Very sly, I must have thought.

The point is, we love our moms, and this battle wears away at us. I hope this next week is much better for you!

Kelly

[jorja]

Just like EVERYONE has already said, It is okay to cry! But don't give up and neither should your mom. My dad felt weak for a long time after his treatment was over. Let's just see what the CT results show up!

love,

jorja

[Maryanne]

You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. Get that out of you mind right now. You are only human and reacting to something that was devistaging to hear as you had no idea how advance until that moment.

This is your mom and you broke down. I would have done the same thing. So please stop beating yourself up over this. You did nothing wrong so please so not dwell on it anymore. Just do what has to be done for your mom.

If I were you I would check out a second opinion. It certainly would not hurt. Maybe there can be somekind of different treatment. I know your mom trusts her Onoc. but maybe another opionion could be more optimistic.

Of course this is up to your mom and you have to respect her wishes, but there may be hope out there for her.

As for those nurses. Iam sure than have seen a lot of people breaking down many times. They were just commenting on yours. It does not mean that was unusual, they were probably just commenting on the situation. Conversation wise and perhaps it was more pity than demeaning.

So just forget about the crying part and get on to see if something else could be done to help your mom. But please remember this is her calling and you have to go along with what she wishes.

Just be there for her, love her and always support her. I know how precious moms are, and if you know in your heart you have given all the love you have then that will make her transition (when the time comes) so much easier for her and you here to grieve.

I am so sorry you are going through this and watching a mom who was so full of life delcine like this it is so scarey, completly devestating and hurts so bad. After all moms are always our gretest supporter no matter what and we cannot imagine how it would be if we lose them.

I lost my mom in June of 05 and I know how hard this is.

Just know that you are not alone. We can help you though this.

We are always here for you to answer your questions and for support.

Maryanne

[hollyanne]

Oh, please do not regret crying or "breaking down" -- the fact that you haven't to date is amazing! I promise you that your mom understands. I used to feel bad breaking down in front of my mom..and I would just tell her "I am not scared for you...I am just so mad and sad that you have to go through all of this crap!"

I always thought that my mom had a good grip on the treatment options and prognosis...but I think she chose to tune it out, so we too had the overwhelming "you are too weak for more chemo...or at some point we should talk about hospice, etc conversations." As terrible as they were, I think my mom always had a bit of relief aftewards..like everything was on the table.

A couple of things that seemed to help her mentally )besides her incredible faith" -- 1) The day you sign up for hospice is really no different than the day before...except that you have expanded your "team" of support. You still have the option to start chemo, radiation, etc at any point should you get stronger or the circumstances change. 2) you can "fire" hospice if you decide to pursue aggressive treatment at some point.... just because you start hospice care doesn't mean that the clpck has started ticking towards the end.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately, the pain is so fresh in my mind that I can feel what your are feeling through the computer screen.

You are a fantastic daughter...and speaking from experience you will not regret one minute you are spending with your mom; you will not regret one ounce of support or energy you are giving her. I promise.

Love,

Holly

[paddy]

I'm with Fay A here, the nurse and the onc are the ones who should be ashamed of their insensetivity.

You were probably releasing some of the strain of the last few months as well as showing your sadness about your Mom. Don't give it another moments thought.

Paddy