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"Get Over It Already"


Treebywater

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No one has been stupid enough to say those words to me... but I say them to myself every day.

I realized today that it's been six months since Mom died. So why does it feel like it was just last week? I can't get it through my head that she's been gone for that long. Six months of my life without my mother? You've got to be kidding me.

It still hurts so freshly. As I said in another post, it feels like the wounds are still gaping wide open. Shouldn't I feel some sort of healing by now? Shouldn't the hurt be less? Or does the hurt really never get to be less and you just stop thinking about it more and more?

I feel like I haven't even begun to do 'the work of grieving' most days because I can't let myself go fully into the feeling of it. But even so, the feeling that I do feels the same as it did right after she died. I still feel just as much disbelief, and anguish, and longing, and loneliness for her.

So should I have 'gotten over it' more than I have? or is this the way of things? Maybe I need a remedial grieving class.

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I think one of the worst things we do to ourselves is try and put a time limit on grieving....my Mom has been gone almost a year and a half. Some days it feels like yesterday.

Do consider some grief counseling though, it does help.

I figure I spent 43 years with my Mother.....it may take me that long to "get over" losing her.

My thoughts are with you.

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It hurts. There's no way around that fact.

I've been having dreams about my mom being with us, but not alive. Weird dreams. She's dead, and I have to tell people she's dead, but in these dreams she's with me, talking and laughing. In all of these dreams, I know she's dead. But she's acting alive so Dad and I can get used to her being gone.

Sometimes, we have to tell Mom she's dead and will leave us soon.

Grieving is hard work. I don't sleep well these days. But my thoughts are with you, and we will all get through these hard times of grief.

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Dear Val,

Don't get upset with my next sentence until I explain. I had to grin when I read your post. The reason I was grinning is because I can tell you those words "GET OVER IT" are exactly what Don would say to me if he could speak to me right this minute. He would probably say it to you, too, if he knew you. He would say it gently and with compassion, but he would say it and mean it.

If he could see me, today, almost 6 months later, continually tearing up on a daily basis and almost choking trying to hold back the tears around others, he would be getting real tough with me to "get over it". His logic would be that "there isn't anything you can do about it - so get over it." For some reason, it was always easy for him to "get over it", but it has never been easy for me.

I know (almost 100% for sure), though, that if the tables were turned and I was the one that was gone and he was still here, that he wouldn't have gotten over it either. In fact, I believe that he would be worse than I am right now.

I'm not grinning anymore, Val, because I can so identify with your words. I'm not over it. Today is my birthday, and my niece and her kids took me out for dinner. As we were leaving the restaurant, I thanked her for dinner and said, "You know, Don always took me out for dinner on my birthday." And then, the tears came. She hugged me and said it would get better. My response was, "That's what they say, but it seems to be getting worse instead of better."

I told my niece that in the last month or so, any thoughts about him no longer being here, or the times when I have to say that my husband has passed away, or Don is gone, brings instant tears. Also, it doesn't seem to matter who I'm talking to when it happens. It's like all the inhibitions have left me, and even in a professional environment where I find myself frequently among lawyers, commissioners, business men and women, the tears will come if I have to say he's gone. 90% of the time I'm ok, but if it manages to come into the conversation that he's gone, the tears are just instantly there. I can, and do, shut it off pretty quickly, usually because the topic is quickly changed.

In the past week, I choked up while talking to my financial adviser, my building contractor, and my insurance agent. And, of course, my sister, my niece, my brother and a few friends. Again, these are short espisodes and I do quickly "get over it", but, Val, I'm not over it.

Some people probably do think you should be over it. The ones that think that haven't been there - done that. They may have lost a loved one, but it's totally different when you lose someone that you were very close to, whether it's a mother, father, husband, sibling, child or a good friend. If a strong bond was there, then I think there is an enormous hole in our lives that just takes a very long time to heal. I would compare it to healing from a broken leg vs. healing from a severed leg. The broken leg heals fairly quickly and is maybe never quite the same, but the severed leg takes a very long time and changes your life forever. I guess the "up" side of that analogy is that most people who have lost a leg do eventually "get over it", but they go through a lot of pain and suffering for a very long time before they get to that point.

Sorry this is so long, honey. I guess maybe I needed your post tonight so that I could write things out and sort them out in my head, too. Today has been a hard day. I missed my flowers, my dinner and my birthday cake - the things he ALWAYS remembered. . . . . see, now here come the tears.

Gods love to you, Val.

Love,

Peggy

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If you lost someone you truely loved- you NEVER "get over it".

You grow more and more USED to it because you have no choice, but you never get over it.

You don't need a grief "manual", you are doing just fine. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

((Hugs))

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Val -

I am only two weeks into this...and I have NO idea where I will be a week, a month or six months from now -- yet I do know that I MISS my mom. I am not sad because I have regrets or because I didn't tell her something or do something -- I simply miss her and wish that she was here. Looking at it this way helps me to ease the way I feel.. I KNOW she is at peace. I KNOW she is in a glorious place. I KNOW she looks down on all of is. I just miss her, and I KNOW I always will....yet I do believe I will adjust to it at some point -- but I will always MISS her.

I understand too well right now.

Holly

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Val,

We are normal, just that we are also very human.

You can't erase those years of your life with her

like I can't erase the years I had with Mike, so

at any moment they may come back to haunt you,

sometimes you have a smile with them but very often

you get tears.

It is over 27 months for me and still I feel that

if I could reach into the past void I still could

reach his hand and hold on.

Normal is what we are just trying in our own way

to keep living after the loss of a loved one,

father, mother, brother, sister, friend or husband,

they were part of our life for a long or a short time

but they were there for us and we can't close our

mind to the souvenirs that we keep finding around

us.

Last week I was looking for a change in the music

CD I keep playing all day long and I came across

the one we had our last dance together only a few

days before he died, I am still in tears, I want

to play it and each time I look at it, the tears

are there and I can't play it yet.

Each night like for forty three years, I still

say ''Good night my love'' no answer, but I know

he is listening for it.

My mother died thirty years ago, and I still ask

her, like in the past, how she would fix this

or that. I have a beautiful enlarged picture of her from 1927,

when she was pregnant with me and did not know it yet,

and she is driving her car. Not many

women drove in those days, but here she is facing

life and not afraid of it.

Perhaps we could ask Kathie if we could have a

section with those pictures that mean so much

to us, just one for each of us that lost a loved

one, so we could get the picture under our eyes

when the tears are there.

Val, I don't often talk or write like I just did,

so be sure ''GET OVER IT'' is easier said than done.

Love

Jackie

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My wound it still fresh is only being a week. I miss my mom I can't even believe that she is gone. I don't know how I am going to feel in 6 months but one thing I know is that we will never get over it .we just learn how to live with it. I think a bond between children and a mother is never broken not even by death. When I saw my mom in the casket made me realized that our soul is so powerful my mom was beautiful but it was really her essence and soul that was giving her that beautiful spark. I am a believer that our moms will be with us forever. So grieve, cry it takes time not put a limit on it.

Take her!

Martha

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Dear Val,

I have not yet gone through the pain of losing a parent, but, let me just say, you never get over it. And, you don't have to. I lost my best friend to lung cancer alittle over 2 months ago. It still hurts just as fresh like it was yesterday. Not that it's the same as losing a parent, but we were best friends and it's extremely hard to imagine him not being here anymore. I am still extremely upset! Like everyone here has said, take all the time you need! Grieve, cry, do whatever you want to do! And take as long as you want! There is no time limit to grieving for someone who meant the world to you!

Hugs and prayers coming your way,

Joe

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Oh Val, Your post really hit me. I lost my mom 11 yrs ago and I'm still not "over it". When she died everyone said in time it will be easier.... My gram was the only one who told me it had been 20 yrs since she lost her mom and it was still like her right arm was missing. That is how I describe it 11 yrs later. Kinda like learning to live without my right arm but still thinking it should be there. A book that helped me a little was "motherless daughters" I also kept a journal with a Dear Mom beginning and wrote all the things I wished I could call her and say and all the questions and happy and sad things. I would tell her about my daughter who was 2 when she died. Some days the letter would turn angry with her for not being here for me. Some days it would be joy at the gifts she gave me in life. I hope it helps you to know you are NOT alone in this. Don't pressure yourself to get over it just try to get thru it one day at a time.

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As someone said, there is no time limit to grief. I lost both parents within a year when I was in my early 20's. It took me years to lessen the pain. You never stop missing them, but you do move on. And any future occasion (like something you would like to share with them) brings back the grief instantly. It is just something you learn to live with. Don

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Hi Val,

What you are feeling is normal. Everyone has their own grieving time. Some more some less. Your grieving will become less, trust me, but the hurt of losing your mom will always be there.

I also think that you being separated from your husband gives you too much time to think. Your grieving would probably be so much easier if you had him to lean on. I also feel that you are also grieving for him not being here for you. What would you normally do if your mom was here? She would give you all the support you need while your husband was gone. But you don't have her, so in a way it is a double wammy for you.

There is no normal time for grieving to end. You just have to let it out as keeping it bottled up is not healthy.

Give Carolyn a hug for me.

Maryanne

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Think of breaking a glass. You drop in on the floor and it is badly broken. You pick up the pieces and glue them back together but the glass will never again be the same. When we lose someone we love so much we are broken. In time we may be put back together but we will never be the same.

Grief is as much a part of life as joy. No one knows when it will come or how long it will last. If we are lucky we will have more joy than grief but no matter what we can't change how or when they come to us. You are not any different than anyone else. My mom has been gone over 20 years and everytime I get a picture of one of my grandchildren I want my mama to see it. She loved children so much and family was her life. Without our mothers there is a hole in our life that can never be filled.

Losing someone you love is something that hurts and time may keep us from dwelling on it as much but it never takes the pain away. Grieve for your mom but don't forget to say a prayer of thanks for having her in your life as long as you did. God Bless you and all of us who have those holes where our loved ones used to be.

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Val,

I lost my Mother to Lung Cancer in 1991. There are still moments when the sense of loss is just as acute as it was during those first weeks after she passed. The difference is that as time passes these moments are fewer and less frequent. I don't know that they ever go away entirely.

There is no time line for grief, Val. And I can't imagine anyone who has lost a beloved Mother will ever be able to just get over it. I know I haven't. But I have learned to live with it. Try to be as kind to yourself as you are with others.

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Val,

My experience with grief and loss are limited to some (all but one, in fact) very cherished aunts and a few good friends. That said, as a general rule, a friend gave me a really useful toolfor going easy on myself. Like you, I spend a great deal of time valuing and judging my emotional state. Years ago, a friend was listening to me talk about what a f*&^ up I thought I was for feeling this, or that, and she said the following:

Tina: "Amie, if my 6-year-old daughter came to to and said that she felt sad and scared, would you tell her she was a moron for feeling that way, that she needed to get off the pot and DEAL!?"

Amie: [sheepishly] "No."

Tina: "What would you say to her?"

Amie: "I would tell her I was sorry she was scared, that it's ok she's sad, that she's not alone."

Tina: "Amie, I am sorry you're scared and sad, but it's ok, and you're not alone. Now say it to yourself."

life changing, I tell you. try it. in fact, imagine it's Caroline who's hurting, and you'll be a lot gentler and more patient. I just know it.

love you, girlie.

xoxo

amie

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Val,

I have not walked in your shoes, so I am offering you my prayers. I could not imagine loosing one of my parents and not being able to just pick up the phone and speak to them everyday as I do now.

Please take it easy on yourself, they do not hand us a rule book when our loved ones are diagnosed with this horrible disease. Love yourself as your mom loved you.

Many prayers are coming your way.

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Val,

I know exactly how you feel. It's been 4 months since my Mom passed away and it's still soooo fresh.

For 44 years, Mom was always there. The fact that she no longer is, is really taking some time to sink in. I don't think anyone could expect to get over a loss such as this, in 6 short months.

I hope as time passes, it will get easier. I know I'll never stop missing her!

Patty

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Val,

I have to agree with Fay. I lost my mom 19 yrs ago I was in my early 20's and pregnant with my first child. The saddness I felt was worse than anything I could ever describe. I still haven't got over it. I miss her all the time. Sometimes I still think for a second.. Mom would like this or that, or that I'll just be able to talk to her. But the pains ebs and flows. I missed her like crazy when I delievered my other two kids, when I'm sick, when I'm in pain, when I'm scared. When I was fighting the LC. At the holidays... when I make a certain kind of cake. Things bring me to tears and my heart just aches for her. Other times it's not so bad. I think of her everyday. I think I always will but the gut wrenching pain, the emptiness, the "why my mom?" becomes less frequent. I think it will for you too, eventually. However it's a process.. don't rush it. There is no time line.

My father just passed away too. So I've been brought back to that world of loss, pain and emptiness again. Plus the added bonus of realizing I'm an orphan now... sounds silly at my age but the feeling is still there. I know from experience to deal with the feelings as they come. Because it will get easier...

Prayers and comfort for ((Val))

Tami

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Val....losing your mother is something you will never get over. You will always think of her and miss her. The pain will lessen with time but your loss will always be there. Grief is something that knows no time table. There are some people that seem to forge ahead with life and there are others that are forever changed. Please don't ever feel that there is a set time or place that you have to move ahead. We love you, Val.

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Dear val,

When Mark and I lost our mother 3 years ago,that was the worst nightmare of our lives. My 2 brothers and my sister all grieved in different ways. mark and I were the closest to her and she was always there for us through thick and thin. She was the kind of mother that only cared about her family and making them happy. She put every thing aside for us all the time..She gave of herself 150% and The Lord took her in 3 days and did not make her suffer.

I grieve for her and miss her every day and now she is with Mark. I don't think we ever get over the heart ache when we loose someone so close to us.My heart goes out to you as I feel the pain you are in. One day we will be reunited with them and for that I live every day..

God's Blessing to you..

Donna

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Val,

Echoing what everyone else has said. I lost my father 28 years ago. I still miss him so much.

But here's what happens...

One day, you do a whole minute without being sad...

Later you go a whole hour...

Eventually you may go a whole day...

At some point, you think of your loved one, and you can (believe it or not) laugh over something you shared...

It take a long time, and you can't rush it. We never "get over it," but we can go on. They want us to.

We love you!

:) Kelly

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