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A big step


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I took a big step today. Most would think it something not that big but to me it was major.

I finally have some extra time off from work. I know that I have a lot of cleaning to do. Some of that involves going through some old papers and getting rid of them. I've put it off for a long time. I tried to do it last year but it left me an emotional wreck so I just put it aside.

Today I realized what an obstacle it was and that it was time for me to deal with it and move on. You see the papers are papers from the short while that Johnny and I were together. Nothing real important but very emotional. There were reciepts for the purchases we made for our home. Reciepts for coffee or gas we bought on some of our rides. I also had my old cell phone bills listing all of the calls we made.

As I went through those papers each one brought back a special memory. I looked at each one relived the moment, had a good cry then tore it up. It took me a couple of hours but eventually I got through it all. It was just so easy to picture him sitting out on the patio at night calling his family or my niece. He just loved the thought that he could call anyone after nine and it would be a free call. Those were some really happy times. As I tore them up there was a small voice inside of me that told me tearing them up was a betrayal of the time we had together but another voice said "it is time and I don't need these papers to bring back our time together or our love for eachother". I realized those things will always be with me. So I took that big step and I have to admit I feel both happy and sad that I did it.

I was always so afraid of encountering those papers that I tried to never go to that part of the file cabinet. They became a barrier that kept me from moving forward. I also admitted something else to myself today. There has been a part of me that felt that if I did move on if I had too many days without the overwhelming grief I feel on occasion it would somehow be a betrayal of mine and Johnny's love for eachother. Today I understood that is the real betrayal. Johnny was so proud of our life together and most of all he was proud of me and the progress I had made toward being my own person. He gave me a chance for a new life. He gave me the courage I needed to take charge of my life. He would never want to see me waste it. So I will move forward. I won't say that I won't have any more of those gut wreching days but I am hoping they will become less often. Instead I want to feel the love that I know surrounds me. The love he gave to me and still gives to me.

I guess while I am writing this I will bring you all up to date on what is happening in my life. The dear lady I was caring for intered a nursing home on Sunday. I know that it had to be this way but it has not been easy for me. Her son called me a few nights ago and asked me to go see her. He said that she was not adjusting and when he went things really got bad. He thought that I might be able to talk her into co operating. The next day I had time to spare but I didn't go. My boss told me that he had told her that he wanted me to go but maybe I should wait for a week or so.

I'm still undecided if I will go see her or not. I don't want to see her there especially if she is not adjusting well. She will expect me to do for her like I did before and I am not allowed to. If I see that she is not being taken care of right it would really upset me. I know that some of those places don't always give the best care. I know too how stubborn she can be and make it impossible for them to do for her without forcing her. So I'm not sure if I will ever go. Her memory is so bad that maybe she will just forget me and that would probably be best for her. Still I feel if I could help make things easier for her maybe I should. I guess I will just have to give it time and decide later. I do know that I gave her something special for a few months. I know she was clean and well fed and loved. I hope in someway that was enough.

Losing her as a client took a big chunk out of my weekly pay. My boss is trying to find more work to make up for it for a while. I'm still doing the extra overnights with the other lady while her daughter is out of town. That should be for another month. I will have an extra day with her next week and that will make up for my lost income that week. By the time her daughter gets back I should be caught up financially if I don't lose any more. Then I will make a permanant cut back in my hours. Social Security will only let me earn so much.

This week will be short because as it stands now I have today through Sunday off. At first I was worried and upset then I just turned it over to God. He knows what I need most. I decided if it is the money He will see that I get extra work. If it is rest and time at home He will see that I don't get extra work but take care of it later. I have to trust and I also have to admit the thought of 4 whole days at home really makes me feel good.

I worked in my yard a little and cleaned through those papers. I did a little on my quilt and I'm planning on doing some reading. Tomorrow I will do a little more and try to come here for longer and catch up on people. I didn't even know that Katie was having surgery. I sitll don't know what it was for but do keep her in my prayers along with all of you and everyone on the board.

So once again I have gone on too long. I will say good by for now and God Bless you for being kind enough to read my rambling.

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Thank you for sharing your heart and yourself, Lillian, and a big pat on the back for taking the huge step of allowing yourself to honor and relive your memories of Johnny and move forward. You are so wise to realize that everything the two of you shared is in your heart and not in those pieces of paper.

Hugs to You,


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Lillian...so glad to hear you took these beginning steps. Until you've lost someone, you can't eeven begin to understand how just a little piece of paper could be such a sentimental object and how hard it is to part with it. Throwing away Dennis's medical paperwork was the hardest for me. I had been so organized with all of it. I even had notes I had made about every appointment. When I threw all that away, I felt as if I was giving up...all over again.

I want to remind you once again how strong you are!

You have come such a very long way since your first post on this board. I'm so proud of you!!!

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