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Need some advice and prayers


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Hi -

It has been three weeks since my mom died --and some days it feels impossible to go on, and other days I am o.k. Having Caroline is such a blessing as she forces me to keep going every day. I know I will be o.k. -- my mom is at peace, I just miss her so much.

I moved to Utah to be with my parents in September. I have been home to San Francisco two times since then (mostly because I couldn't bear to leave my mom, but also as I got more pregnant it was tougher to travel.) Anyway, I am still here with my Dad, and I need to go back to my life at some point.

My mom and dad were soul mates; she was the hyper social one and he is more reserved. He is absolutely lost without her and it breaks my heart. I just can't imagine taking the baby and leaving him in this big house alone. I went from taking care of my mom to feeling like I need to watch over him.

I could use some prayers and advice. My husband is very understanding, but he can only come "visit" so often, and he misses his baby. Yet, I figure that in the grand scheme of things staying here another month is such a small scarifice. We have no other family in the area....and he has people who will support him, but he isn't ready for that yet.

I pray I will know when the time is right to go.....




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Holly, I agree with Don. You and your baby belong with your husband. Absolutely your Dad will be sad and lonely, it goes with his new normal. But I think if you leave, it will force him to move outside of this safe cocoon you have created for him. He can come visit you in CA when he needs a fix.

It is tough to cut the apron strings no matter what direction they travel.

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Hard to say about your father, it may be better

if you leave and go home, he will have at some

time to face living alone, now he has the friends

that are ready for him.

The longer you postpone your trip back home the

harder it will be for both of you.

The friends that are ready now to support him

may let him down if he waits much longer they

may think he is to independent and don't need

their support or company.

Invite him to go back with you and his answer

could give you an idea how he will react when

he will be alone.

Hoping for the best for both,

sending prayers for the good solution.



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I think YOU WILL know when its time.... My suggestion is to offer Dad the opportunity to fly back with you so he can spend a couple weeks at your house. It will be a nice change of pace for him, and then you can get your life back to some sort of normal. I don't think there is ever a "good time" to leave... Dad is going to be lost for a while. Is he self-sufficient? Will he cook and clean for himself? Does he have a network of friends who will be looking out for him? I know when Daddy died, even though Mom is only 40 min. away, I contacted her friends to let them know that she would need them more than ever... of course, I probably didn't NEED to do that, but it made me feel a little better and gave me some peace of mind. I hope my answer helped a bit... its just never easy... Love, Sharon

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Holly I know just how you feel. I stayed with my parents and helped with my mom. Once she was gone it was really hard to leave dad, but I was lucky that my sisters do live nearbye. My mom was also the social one and my dad is also lost without her. Sounds like we also were both blessed with very understanding husbands. Maybe you could give it another week or two then go home. I do agree with the rest you should be with your husband now especially with the new baby. You and your dad are in my prayers.

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I am in agreement with Don on this. He said it best I think.

I know that your going back home will be another change that is not always easy but it is the thing to do.

Your father will survive. It may not be easy but he will survive. If he is able to travel then maybe he should come to visit with you. But the bottom line is life will go on. He will survive just as you will. Adjusting to life without your mother will be difficult for both of you but your husband needs you too. And the longer you are away from him, the more he will miss of his child growing up so quickly.

Pray that God guides you in the right thing to do and the right time.

Much love,


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This is really a tough situation! You are such an amazing daughter, and such a giver, that you have put your life on hold to take care of those around you. I'm jumping on the gentle bandwagon of folks telling you that going home and resuming a 'normal' life is probably the best thing. For you, certainly for your very understanding hubby, and ultimately for your dad as well.

I know this is much easier for us to say than for you to do. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

:) Kelly

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My perspective given my very messed up circumstances:

I actually left for the first month after Mom was gone because it was my husband's last month on land for a while... I left with the intention of coming back to support Dad and to be together during the grieving process while husband was deployed. Figured maybe he needed some alone time to sort things out, and that maybe he would need/appreciate the company and help around the house after that month.

If I could rewrite history and make it work just so... I would have worked in that month with Andy some other way (because I can do anything when I rewrite things) and stayed here with DAd for just those first few weeks and then gotten the heck out of dodge.

I really understand where you're coming from on not wanting to leave... And it's very possible that our Dad's are very different...


After that first month... Dad really didn't need me. And he doesn't need me right now. So... here I am in a situation of not being able to go home when I want (because there won't BE a home there until March) and Dad still obvioulsy doesn't need me...

I guess what I'm saying is... You've got that marvelous husband of yours to get back to. He NEEDS TO SEE HIS LITTLE GIRL. (Trust me--my husband *Can't* see his right now and it's one of the hardest things he's ever lived through). Your Daddy is going to learn how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will still be able to check up on him via phone... and he'll know where to find you.

Sharyn's idea about inviting him to go back with you for a couple of weeks is excellent. I'd definitely feel that one out.

I know it's terribly difficult to know what to do... but I also know that at some point for your own sanity you will want to get back to your own life...

Now, I just can't wait to get back to mine. ;)

ETA: (As if this wasn't long enough). I think part of my point is that it might be that you will start to feel better when you go back to things there. I definitely think I would if I could go back... And it will be healing to grieve with your husband. I'm finding there are only so many emotions I can go through without mine....

(((((Holly))))) (((((Caroline))))) :)

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It must be so hard to think of leaving your Dad. I know what you mean about going from caring for your Mom to caring for your Dad. I have the same feelings, now I'm taking care of Mom. The last three weeks I have been keeping her very busy. I myself have been stressed out trying to get all my stuff done, and spend every day with her. Recently, there have been days when we were not together. I feel so guilty, but I know she has to get use to being on her own sometimes. Those days alone are very hard on her, she has time to grieve and feel lonely. As hard as it is for me to hear her so sad, we both know it is something she just has to work through herself. Is there a way your Dad could start spending more time without you and the baby. Maybe ease into not being dependent on you before you return home. I'm sure your husband must miss you and the baby very much. It would be good for you to get home and have someone take care of you for a while. You must be so exhausted!

What ever decision you make your Dad knows how much you love him, and that you will always be there for him.


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Hey Holly,

I really don't know how to answer that except that I would probably invite my dad to come and visit for a while. But, knowing him he would probably say he wanted to stay home.

I am so sorry for everything you and your family are going through. Please know that you are in my daily prayers.!!!



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Hi Holly,

Go home, ask your dad if he wants to come for awhile just like many people on here mentioned.

You belong with your husband. I know it has not been that long since your mom passed, but your dad will get through this. At least he does have friends who will support him. He is very lucky there.

He may actually need the alone time.

I also feel it will help you to heal to be in a different environment.

It is your call, but you should be with your family. Your hubby should be with his daughter.

See what dad says about coming back with you for a little while.

You know I am thinking of you and whatever you decide I know you will make the right decision. Take some advice for our Val here. She has been through what you are going through.


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I have to go a different path here. I have to say that you need to ask your dad if he still needs you there. If so, then I assume you have the time under maternity leave, then stay. I know it must warm your heart to have him hold your baby girl. I guess on the flipside, your hubby probably wishes he was the one..

You are in a hard spot Holly, I agree. But, if you ask your dad to come to Cali and he says no, then you can ask him what would be most helpful for all three of you. It will at least open the floodgates to talk about what's to come..

Love and prayers. You are a sweetie. XOXO

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such a tough spot. I feel for all of you. I think everyone above had some good points. the first thing you have to do is talk to your dad, ask him to be very honest with you about what he needs and whether he would consider coming to CA. if it weren't for your husband being in SF, I would say stay longer, for sure. I just feel bad that he and the baby can't be together, and that you have to make these tough choices.

pray. get quiet and listen for your truth. it's in there, and you'll here and do the best thing you can, I have no doubt.



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Holly, my heart goes out to you. I certainly wish you weren't in the position of having to make all of these terribly tough decisions. I have to say that I agree with others on the board that think it is time for you and your sweet little darling to return home to your husband. He's a brand new dad and I'm sure he wants to share in the joy of this sweet little baby. Speaking as a parent, I have to honestly say that your dad might just need some time alone in order to get his head together. After Dennis died, my boys were at my house continually, both day and night for a while. I have to tell you that I was actually relieved when they resumed their lives and I then started sorting mine out. I felt guilty for having them change their lives for me. Do you think your dad might feel like this, also? Somehow, I get the feeling that Holly is the one that's having trouble leaving right now. Being there, surrounded by all of your moms things, in her home, make you feel secure and close to your mom. Honey, your mom is no longer there. She will forever live in your heart. Wherever you are, there she will be. I'll be saying prayers that God will help you to make the right decisions.

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All -

Thank you for all the advice...I have a bit of a "pass" for a week or so. My husband (Patrick) has to be away on business til next Tuesday and then is going to fly back to Utah to be with us for a few days...at that point, I will start making some decisions. I will definitely ask my dad to come visit --- he would never ask me to stay here, although he keeps telling me how grateful he is that Caroline and I are here.

It just sucks as all of you know.



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Oh, what a tough situation to be in. I'm so sorry that you are going through this on top of the grieving for your mother.

I'm so glad to hear that you have a wonderful husband who is so patient, supportive and understand.

I hope that you can talk with you Dad and figure out what would be best for all of you. I'll pray that the answers will come to you soon.

Warm Hugs,


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I have to agree with so many others here that it is probably best to return home when you think it best and invite your dad to come out to your place for a bit to progressively ease his life transition.

I know how hard it is. My dad passed in April 05 and my mom just got more and more dependent on me to be her best & main companion (but then I lived with my parents at the time this all happened and my mom didn't have anyone to turn to for support -- not one of her "friends" showed up at dad's funeral or offered any real help/support to her). I had been encouraging mom to create a new independent life for herself when she got so ill recently.

It's hard to start over when you have been with someone for so long (my parents were together for over 48 years).....can be done though, just gently. At least your dad has friends he can count on from what you have said. You still have to live too and only you know what is best for you and your family.

Best to you,


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Holly...my heart aches for you and your Dad...You will know when the time comes to make your decision...Who know's...maybe in time your Dad will relocate and be near you...in the meantime..I think it would be a good idea to invite him back to 'your' home for a while...It is still so very fresh for both of you...


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