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Pity Party

Kel M

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The last few days have been a little strange for me. I've been irritable, impatient and occasionally downright rude. I even told my Dad to "shut up" yesterday - something I'm not particularly proud of (we're all squared up about it though). I'm feeling aggressive these days, just waiting to pounce on someone for no good reason. It's not a pleasant feeling.

I've been trying to figure out why I am suddenly this way. Did I skip over the angry phase of grieving and it's finally manifesting itself in this petulant behaviour? Am I feeling my Mom's loss more acutely now than I did a month ago or even a few months ago?

I realized yesterday that my Mom went into labour with me 31 years ago - a very long labour that took 54 hours to 'produce' me. It was something we joked about annually - the disaster of a labour that resulted in the doctor being terminated.

I'm hurting so very badly today because I want to hear her tell the story again. I want my hug and kiss. I want her to be tangible and real - not just a memory.

Thanks for listening.


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Dear (((Kel))),

When I saw the February b-days I thought that this one was going to be a difficult one for you....first one without your dear Mother. And I am sorry. You are so young to be without her, and she was too young to leave, ya know?

I intended to wish you as good a birthday as possible....but planned to do it tomorrow. I will do it today instead, Kel. I hope you can think of that story and remember the fun your Mother had in telling it year after year after year! Although she will not be there to give you your hug and kiss, I do believe she will be blowing you kisses from where she is. From all you shared with us, it is clear you and she had a remarkable relationship. May the memories of that be of some comfort.

Thinking of you, Kel,


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Perfectly understandable to me. My Mom's been gone for 40 years and I still get angry, sad, cry etc. You never get "over" it. You will always miss her, but it does get to where it is not such an open wound. It will get better and there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and we can't help what we "feel". And especially now when you have this yearly celebration that you have to go through without her. Yes, perfectly understandable and your feelings are surely validated. Take Care,


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Aw Kel, Don't beat yourself up over it, you answered your question in your post. It was your birthday and your mom was not with you. :cry:

That hurts so much. All those memories just came flooding back to you and you were just blowing off steam. It happens... You were a wonderful daughter and I know your mom was with you yesterday.

Tell us more about the doctor who was terminated... :shock:

Take care honey, we love you here and you are very normal..


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This *isn't* a pity party. You are having difficult, legitimate feelings and they just plain hurt.

And I Can very much relate. My birthday was very hard for me this year, and I really didn't expect it to be. My Mom had a 32 hour labor and I was delivered with forceps and it was a story I heard over and over and over again. And my discovery that day was that birthdays are as much about the Mom as they are the kid, and it hurt so much that she couldn't be here to celebrate and to remember that day.

It could very well be that some of the 'anger' stuff is coming out now. That's ok too. Be gentle with yourself. I'm not sure what 'phase' I'm in at any given time right now. Mostly it just feels like "hurts."

(((((Kel))))) We should do some PMs sometimes. I think we'd have a lot in common with our journeys with our Mom's.

I wish you a blessed birthday.... even if it's hard, and even if it's not the same, I hope that it is blessed.



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Thanks for your support all - I really appreciate it.

My birthday came and went very nicely yesterday. It was a different day, one where Mom's absence was keenly felt, but it was a good day overall. My colleagues and friends were very kind to me and it made all the difference.

Maryanne - I was two weeks late, so her Doctor was away on holiday when her water broke. From what I gather the labour was intensely painful throughout and the attending physician wasn't overly useful. What they later found out was that there was serious damage due to the length of the labour and how it was handled by the hospital. The tearing she experienced was apparently quite bad and the repair job, very poor. Mom was in the hospital for 2-3 weeks recovering and when her own Doctor returned from holiday and examined her, he was horrified.

The Doctor was asked to leave and my Mom was told that she likely could not have any more children (there were ongoing female complications). She, in turn, said there was no way she was only having one child and promptly got pregnant a few months later. My brother is the result - born after a short labour. :D She did have to undergo a full hysterectomy once she'd recovered from his birth.

A labour of love, she would say!

Thanks again,


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Hi Kelly,

Happy Belated Birthday.

I missed your first post and was so happy to see your update that you made it through the day and overall it turned out ok.

Thanks for sharing your labor of love story too.

Where there is a will there IS a way right? LOL

She sounds like a wonderful mother and I bet she was sharing that story yesterday, looking down on you and trying to send you the strength to get through your birthday.

Warm Hugs,


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Hi Kel,

Thanks for the story. That doctor was a butcher. :shock: Its amazing they could even get through Medical school. Geeze...

But your mom was a tough cookie, she knew she wanted more children and made sure she had onother right away.

I hope you are feeling better today, honey.

Maryanne :wink:

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Hi Kel,

Happy Birthday and I'm glad your day got better. My birthday was just a couple of weeks ago and it was so hard not having Mom here.

When I was born my Mom got 1 pain that knocked her off the couch and my Dad rushed her to the hospital. He ran 1 light and a cop sitting near by didn't even come after him. They were hoping he would. My Dad hadn't finished signing in Mom before the nurse came out and told him that I'd been born.

I too missed hearing that story and so many other.



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