sparrow Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 I was wondering if anyone else out there was the primary care-giver. I was my mothers and I am finding hard not to feel guilty for things I should of done or should not have done. It has been over a year now and i still think about the day she passed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kel M Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 Ahh... the guilt. I totally understand what you are writing about. I was my Mom's primary caregiver, too, and I've been thinking about things I could have done better - particularly as she died. I can only believe that it is somewhat normal to think this way - that it is somehow part of grieving and working our way through our loss. The mind is a tricky thing when we're at our most vulnerable. I try to reflect on the knowledge that my Mom loved me, was very proud of me and wanted to me to live a good life. I'm sure your Mom felt the same about you. On a funnier note, I also think of the day that I may encounter her again (if that is what is meant to be) and how she might box my ears if she felt I wasted my time being sad instead of moving forward and being happy. It provides me with a certain amount of motivation to live well, believe me! My best to you, Kel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 Sparrow, I know you feel lost without your mother. Being a caregiver for someone you love is a very difficult task. When my husband was ill, I was always so frustrated, as I felt absolutely helpless. I so wanted to do something that would make him all better but at the same time, I knew there was nothing. In the end, we have to remember that we did everything possible for our loved ones. I'm sure that your mother was content and happy just having you by her side. Moms are like that! The most important thing to us is having our children near and knowing they are safe. Guilt is a natural part of grieving. I would imagine that everyone on this board that has lost a love one has at sometime felt that maybe there was more they could have done. Just always remember that your mother will always live on in your heart. She was very lucky to have a loving daughter to care for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 sparrow-- I have spent hours... days literally agonizing over Mom's last few weeks. I feel like we got broadsided with the end when it came and there were a lot of really messy family situations. I keep thinking, "I should have realized it was coming and sat with her more." Or, "I should have pushed my Aunt out of the way and demanded dad and I have our time" or (the worst for me) "What if we overmedicated her and we could have had longer?" I can't tell you not to do it, because I know I can't stop myself. I can't even tell you how to make it better. I guess all I can tell you is "me too" and it hurts... but I think somehow we will push through it. Because we have to for our Mom's. I asked my Aunt a few days before Mom died how I was going to survive this, and she thought for a few moments... nodded her head... and looked at me and said, "With the gritty genes your Mom gave you." If you ever want to talk, PM me. Val Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miami Janet Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Sparrow, It has been a few months for me but I constantly worry about if I should have given more meds, Did I cause her tosuffer at the end??etc So I have no advice just commiserating with you. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flwrjunke Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Sparrow, I know how you feel. I've had thoughts that I could of done somethings different or better, but all in all, I know I did my best. I'm sure your Mom knows you did your best too. Try not to beat yourself up, she wouldn't want that. Patty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Sparrow, My mom is still here and I try to do everything I can for her, but I constantly feel guilty when I am not with her. I think that no matter how much you do, you always wonder if it is enough or wonder what can I do better? If you loved your mom, then she knew it and you should be proud. It is enough! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Let go. Your mom would want you to. Nothing gained from second guessing. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babesdaughter Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 I was my Mom's primary caregiver through her illness. Those moments of self doubt and questioning will always come up from time to time, I think. Guilt is only appropriate when something is done with malice or ill intent..... I always try and tell myself that everything I did, I did with love and with the best medical advice I could find. I am guessing that's what you did, too. We did the best we could with what we had... Although we certainly wish the outcome had been different, our care comes from the heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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