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On grieving & talking about it, in honor of Darlene

dani hobbs

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I wonder if anyone watches Craig Ferguson, who hosts the CBS late night talk show (I'm a night worker & chronic insomniac). He has a great dry Scottish wit, a great Scottish brogue, and is great to look at. However, last week, his father died of cancer, and he dedicated an entire show to his dad, a kind of wake. He was poignant, and emotional, and so anguished at the loss of his father. I was so glad to watch this...because it further reinforced how important it is to talk, talk, talk about your loss, to not deny how important the person was to you, to never put a timeline on grief, or to let anyone imply that you are "stuck" there. My sister Darlene was a wonderful conversationalist....she could discuss anything & everything...she would have loved Craig's show, which began toward the end of her life. I had a strange day yesterday, February 6...I awoke after strange nightmares, felt horribly anxious...then realized it was the one year anniversary of the last time I saw my sister alive, the day I said goodbye to her, last held her in my arms. When I realized the significance of the day, I went to my computer, to write on this website. I sometimes avoid this site, because I don't want to "wallow" in grief, to obsess, to make myself crazy, but need it as well. For some strange reason, I could not get on the 'net...well, my keyboard had malfunctioned, & I had to buy a new one...but I feel Darlene was somehow involved, telling me, "get outside now, take care of business, be in the world". So, I did that, but, in honor of her and her love of conversation, I will still, and always, talk about her.

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Dani, after three years, I still love to talk about Dennis. When we have family gatherings, we all sit around the table and talk about Dennis. It's so interesting to hear things that our children remember most about their dad. When we have these talks, I almost feel like Dennis is there with us. I have some great friends here that also love talking about Dennis. It's so great to go to their houses and reminise about the really good times, before Dennis was diagnosed. Personally, I believe that talking about our loved ones is the best healing tool we have. I will always think of you as the world's best sister, because of your love for Darlene.

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I never had a sister, so I don't know the bond that certainly must exist between them. Is it more than having a brohter....don't know? But I know how much I love him and would miss him if he weren't here any longer.

A friend of mine lost her daughter 'several' years ago around Thanksgiving time. Well....a couple of years ago I happened to see her right before the holiday and mentioned how it must be a difficult time of year and asked how old her daughter would be. She wept, and I felt awful and apologized. She assured me there was no reason....that I was the only one who even mentioned her daughter's name. She still grieved and missed her and no one wanted to talk about her. So talk we did.

My point is....unless someone actually walks in your shoes they have no idea how they would grieve, would remember their loved one, would go on. You do it in YOUR way, Dani. Do what is right for YOU. There ARE people who understand and will listen. I am hopeful that in time your heart will not be quite so heavy.

(((Hugs for you today))),


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Hi Dani,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about your sister. I do believe she did have something to do with your anxiousness.

It was great to hear from you. Please don't be a stranger, we could always use your support here.

We are always here for you.

Peace be with you,

Maryanne :wink:

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Most people will avoid talking with us about our loved ones. It makes them uncomfortable so they assume it will make us feel the same. There is a poem called "The elephant in the room" it tells about and elephant that is in the room but everyone tried to pretend it isn't there. Because of that everyone is uncomfortable.

There are very few people who have lost a loved one who don't want to talk about them. Some how talking about them seems to bring them back to life. When people refuse to talk about them we almost feel as if they are denying that the person ever existed while we want to remember every detail of thier lives and hold them close to our hearts. What good is life, joy or even sorrow if no one will ever share it?

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