jduenges Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 Hello, I have been on this website for the past month or so and finally decided to join in. I lost my Dad to NSCLC on September 6, 2005. I miss him terribly. Not a single day goes by without missing him and tearing up. I just cannot get over losing him. We found out about the tumor in his lung in September 2004. He said he felt fine up until the day the doctor told him about the cancer. From that day on, it was just one thing after another...pnemonia, chemo, radiation, anemia, hospitalizations....My poor Dad didn't have anymore good days. The last few months were the most horrible. I hope this isn't too much, but I would like to tell you a bit about my Dad. He was a very stong man who worked so very hard to raise and support his family. He was born in Italy and came to America for a "better life". He worked so very hard and enjoyed small things in life...his garden, playing cards with friends, wine, and food. He was a kind, sincere man who would take the shirt off his back to help someone in need. Being that he was born in Italy, he had somewhat of a language barrier especially when it came to speaking with the doctors so he left all decisions up to my sisters and I (my Mom is the same way). We decided to always make things look optimistic so that my Dad would continue going to treatments and never give up. I don't think my Dad knew how bad things were until the very end. I feel so badly and so guilty that things were hidden from him and maybe we didn't do something right. Maybe we didn't choose the best doctor or maybe we should have been more forceful with doctors and other treatment plans? Maybe we should have explained more to my Dad, maybe he would have wanted things done differently? We assumed that my Dad wouldn't travel far or go through different trials(prior to the cancer, my Dad didn't go to the doctor unless he was very sick, he never took medications...he didn't like to). I miss my Dad so much that now I know what it means to have a "broken heart". My heart actually feels broken. I ask my Dad every day to please tell me he is in a better place, give me a sign or something. But I don't see it. This website has helped me and I feel a connection to many of the other families who have experienced such a terrible loss. Thanks for your time, sorry this was so long. Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calintay Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 (((Jackie))) So sorry to hear about your dad. Welcome to the site. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 Jackie, first of all, please accept my sympathy on the loss of your father. From your description, he sounds like a truly wonderful man. I am so glad you decided to join us and tell your story. There are a lot of members here that have recently lost there fathers. I know you will find lots of support from them and everyone at this board. It sounds as if you and your family were very good caregivers for your father. Please try and not second guess any decisions you may have made regarding his treatment. This second guessing will make you nuts, if you allow it to continue. As caregivers, we have to make really tough decisions. I'm sure all the decisions you and your sister made were the right ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful dad. He sounds like a fantastic man. Please don't beat yourself up over his treatment or how things were done--I am sure you all did everything appropriately. It's very common to second guess yourself after someone is gone. Welcome to the site, I am glad you joined in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michelepal Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 Jackie, I'm so very sorry about your Dad I know exactly how your feeling.I lost my Dad to NSCLC on 11-18-05 and my heart is broken I don't go one day without crying but from what I'm being told it is normal. Your Dad sounds like a wonderful man (a lot like mine) and we have to look at all the good memories. I find it very hard getting through each day without him but what other choice is there.I would do anything just to have him back for 1 day and tell him how much I Love him.. Don't be to hard on yourself for not telling your Dad everything you were only trying to protect him. I'm sure he would understand! Michael ciuffo 12-22-38 to 11-18-05 R.I.P Take care of yourself Michele Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 Dear Jackie, I understand how you feel. It takes a long time to get over the guilt. I also felt i should have done more. But, the truth is that all we can do is our best. I know you did your best for your Dad and he knows to. It is NOT your fault. You did not cause his cancer and you did not cause his death. Cancer did. Blame that beast. Don't you dare take any of the blame. As far as the pain. It is horrible for awhile. Let yourself grieve. Be patient with yourself and understand that someday your grief will subside. But first step is accepted the fact that you did nothing wrong. I will keep you in my thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bronbear Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 Jackie, I just wanted to say welcome to the board and to extend my condolences on the loss of your wonderful father. I lost my father on October 4, 2005 so believe me when I say that I know how much pain you are in. My dad was a wonderful father and grandfather and I miss him so much it hurts. Just when I think I am starting to feel a little better, the grief comes back in waves all over again. I too question how my dad's treatment was handled. His oncologist never even told him that he was Stage IV - he kept leading my dad to believe that there was hope. My dad ended up with pneumonia and a staff oncologist had to tell my dad that there would be no more treatment - that the chemo was doing more harm than good. I will never forget the look on my dad's face when he got told this - utter and complete shock. It haunts me to this day. Never doubt that you did everything you could for your father - you loved him and you were there for him and ultimately, that is all you can do. This terrible disease takes on a life of its own and there is very little we can do other than support our loved ones as much as possible through this horrible disease. I pray for healing for you and for all the rest of us who have lost our loved ones. If you ever want to PM me, I am here to listen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MilliBr1 Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 Jackie, I am so sorry for the loss of your father he sounds like a wonderful man. I to feel guilty and have questioned some of the decisions we made for my mom. But the one thing I know, and I'm sure is true for your dad, is they knew how much we loved them and we did the best we knew how. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdjenkins Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Jackie, I'm so sorry you lost your wonderful Father. I lost my Dad in January of this year. I totally understand everything you wrote in your post. I was the one Dad relied on to follow his treatments, he did not want to know any information unless positive. I too second guess many of my decision and conversations with the doctor, wondering if I had done something different would he still be here today. I try to calm myself by thinking that he has to be better off in heaven than living here with that beast in side of him. The treatments were so hard on him. He never had a truely peaceful day after he was dx. It was also so very hard on Mom to care for him and watch him suffer so physically and emotionally. I too think of my Dad all the time. I have not been able to sleep very well since he has passed. I miss him so much. Yesterday I was driving in the car and just starting crying. All the grief just came back like it happened yesterday. My heart just ached. Then all of a sudden the sun came shining in my window so bright and so warm. The sun seemed to be following me along the road and warming me. I just knew it must be Dad trying to tell me everything will be alright. In Minnesota this time of year we don't get to see the sun much. It was only out that day for a short time. Long enough for my Dad to send me his message of hope. Just wanted to add that my Grandfather on my Mom's side was born in Italy. He came to America when he was 21 years old. I loved him so much, he too was such a kind and simple man. I kind of feel like I knew your Dad when you were describing him in your post. I can only believe time will heal our hearts. We will always miss our Dads, but we will never forget them. PM any time you need to talk. Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Hi Jackie, Sorry you had to find us here, but as you can see you get so much support here. First of all, stop beating yourself up over the decisions you and your siblings made. You did the best for the situation you were in. Who knows if it was right or if there could have been other choices? You guys took responsibily for your dads care and I commend you for that. You did NOTHING wrong. Do not second guess yourself. Its G-ds will not yours. Your dad knows how much you love him and I know he looks down upon you smiling for all your love, support and positive "Addietude" you had during his treatments. I know you are hurting, it is terrible to lose a parent. You dad was such a hard worker and he sounds like a wonderful person. I am so sorry for your pain. Just hold on to all those wonderful memories you shared. Your dad only wants you to be happy. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kel M Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Jackie, Welcome to the LCSC. I'm sorry it had to be because of the loss of your Dad. Your love for him shines through your posting - I'm positive he must have been very proud of you. Lean on us for support. All my best, Kel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miami Janet Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Hi Jackie, I know how you feel...I lost my Mom on Nov 17th and the pain is sooo bad. I also wish for a sign that she is ok but I havent even had a dream. It is also hard for me to remember my Mom without thinking of the horror of the past years...I also wonder about doing the right thing but I think that is common. Hoping for peace for both of us and everyone on this board. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jduenges Posted February 10, 2006 Author Share Posted February 10, 2006 Thank you all very much for your kind words of encouragement. You are all very kind and it helps to have others like you to talk and listen to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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