I lost my mom on Wednesday

[ErinC1973]

My mom died Wednesday night. My mom. My whole body feels as though it is filled with a heavy sadness and it is oozing out of every pore. I can't stop crying for more than a couple of minutes. I go downstairs to her room to feel close to her. I expect to see the strip of light under the door. I've been calling out her name. I buried her yesterday. Absolutely the hardest day of my life. I am 32 years old and due any day with her third grandchild. I gave her her her twins four years ago and she was so looking forward to the birth of this baby. She has posted on this site before along with me, but not recently.

I can't imagine ever feeling any better, and I don't want to. I guess I have been forced to grow up these past couple of days having to make her arrangements. She looked just beautiful. I've always had a problem with how people look after they die, and everyone who says, "They look beautiful, so peaceful." She honestly did look beautiful. She was a gorgeous, classy lady in her life.

I have never met anyone who has had to endure as many hardships in her life as my mom. My cousin said it well when he told me that for the first time since she was 12, she does not have any pain. It's true; my mom got Polio at age 12, and had multiple surgeries from that and never walked without aid again. She had to spend a month straight away from my grandma and grandpa and all of her family and friends. She married once, it lasted a short time due to her being abused. She married again, to my father, and he was a drunk. She had me. She divorced him and tried to make a life for the both of us on her own. She worked full time. She put me through private school and was proud of everything I ever did in my life. I was her entire world. When I was in high school she met a man who would change her life. They married in 1991. They had a life full of such promise. True soul mates. He died in 1999 of NSCLC. Seeing him die was very hard; he was a very smart man, and his LC spread to the brain and reduced him to childlike behavior, if only for a few days. We were all devastated. I grieved for my mom. Seven weeks later she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy and radiation. Clear scans from then out. When I got pregnant with my twins in 2001 she fell and broke her pelvic bone. After that I made her sell her home and come to live with us. She had to have rotator cuff surgery (from tearing up her arms using a walker) and while in the hospital they told her if she didn't get dialysis she'd die. So she began dialysis, three times a week. It was scary at first, but it became part of all of our lives and she accepted it as her ticket to survival. In November 2004 she began having back pain. She had to have fluid drained from her lung twice. When they biopsied the fluid it came back cancerous. This was the same month she would have gotten the "cancer-free" diagnosis for 5 years breast cancer free. My husband, kids and I all took her up to Cancer Treatment Centers of America. How lucky we were to have this place close to us. She was ready to fight it. And she did...all through last year she did well, felt well and had a fabulous attitude. Right before Christmas she told me she thought it was growing again. Sure enough, there was a 30% growth. She went for her chemo, walked in the door, and fell. She broke her kneecap and arm. Spent Christmas in the hospital. Then transferred to skilled care. Two weeks ago she asked to go to the hospital again for numbness in her chest. There was significant growth--the cancer had become rampant in a matter of weeks. Still, she vowed to be here for the birth of the baby. She went back to skilled care on Sunday night. Monday we saw her and she had developed a cough which scared the hell out of me. Most likely pneumonia. On Tuesday she missed dialysis because of nausea--onco was increasing her chemo doses slowly each time--but felt better as the day progressed. I told her to hang in there, I had ordered a bunch of Queasy Pops for her and the should be here soon. Wednesday afternoon she went to the orthopedist for a checkup. My aunt (her sister) works there and said she was laughing and joking. She also saw her after work. Around 6:30pm I called her because she hadn't called me with her x-ray results. We talked briefly and she said she'd call me back because her dinner was there. When she didn't call I didn't think too much of it because we often do that--say "I'll call you back" and something comes up so we don't right away. I knew I'd see her the next day after my doc appointment. I have been on complete bedrest for 5 months now and my only outings are to my doc and more recently, to see my mom. At 11:50pm the phone rang. The nurse said, "Can you come here?" I said, "What's going on?" She said, "Can you come here please?" I said "WHAT'S GOING ON?" She said, "She's not responding." I called my aunt, she picked me up and we went. While waiting for her I knew. I knew she was gone. I was in shock, I guess. I kept telling her to wake up. I was shaking her. My husband bundled the twins up and came. He kept telling me she can't wake up. I slowly came out of my shock. My aunt came back home with us and left around 5am. We all went to the funeral home at 1pm Thurs for arrangements. We spent the rest of the day making phone calls. Friday and Saturday I layed in bed writing my mom a letter, which I put in with her yesterday. 25 pages. I picked scripture readings, readers, gift bearers, pallbearers, music (Ave Maria, because she picked it for my wedding, and Let There Be Peace on Earth, because she always loved hearing my dad sing it). The kids drew her pictures. I got photos and albums together. My husband went out and bought two books, which were circulated at the luncheon for people to write one memory they had with my mom. We called our old neighbor, a retired deacon, to do the Mass yesterday. And we called another deacon, who is a friend of the family and grew up with my mom, to do the service at the wake. My 4th grade teacher did the service at the cemetary chapel.

Ther is something that I have continually been amazed and shocked at through all of this. My mom was born, only 64 years ago, and I had a lot of beautiful pictures of her with my grandparents to show what a happy childhood she had. She lived a life full of major illness and turmoil, spotted with happy times (her marriage to my stepdad, the birth of our twins, for example). She lived with us. We were one big family. Life was hectic, but we worked it all out. One day I'm talking to my mom, and in a split second, she is gone. Five days later she is buried in the ground like her body never existed. It has been a whirlwind of emotions I am surprised I have even come out alive from. Why and how does this happen so fast? How does a life which has been lived for all these years just get buried in days? I know I'm barely making sense at this point, I have just been crying out for anything, anything at all. Any signs.

We went to the cemetary today, for Valentine's Day. All 4 of them are gone now, those who are right beside each other: my grandma, grandpa, stepdad and mom. I feel as though dividing my time euqally among all of them would mean I need to spend and entire day and night there.

I am supposed to be delivering this baby in about 11 days. I can't do it. I am going to ask if I can squeeze another week in. I feel as though I have no control over my own life at this point. Even if I went to the end I'd only have 5 more weeks, which hardly seems like enough time to grieve my mom before bringing this new baby home. H'es coming no matter what. My husband got laid off two days before she died. I have no control over that, either. He gets paid until the end of the year, and needed to find a new job over the summer anyway, but it still hurts to know that he's not the one in control over his employment. We were putting our house up for sale in June, about 4 weeks from now, and who knows if we'll get it ready in time. This place is so torn up from doing renovations which were put on hold when I was put on bedrest. And of course now I feel like I can barely go into my mom's room, let alone disrespect her enough to pack things away or throw things away. My husband needs to go back to work Friday, and my best friend is going to have to come back to help with the kids while he's gone. She was my mom's caregiver, and a great help, but I just only want family around right now. I wish he could stay home with me, but it's another thing out of my control. I can;'t even let him close the door when he goes to the bathroom right now because I don't want ot be alone.

I have found writing to be very cathartic; obviously so from this very long post. My mom had started a journal at my asking when she began chemo, just for her temps, and it turned into a bit more. Some days she would only write, "Good day!" but it means so much to see her writing. I wish there was more.

I may be hanging out here for awhile. There's a lot more I want to say, and I don't mind who reads this or responds to it even, I just need to be here to honor my mom's life. I played two songs at the wake: "Miracle" and "Baby Close Your Eyes" by Celine Dion. I recommend them to anyone who has an incredible bond with their mom like I did. When I had my twins I realized what she meant when she said that I was her greatest accomplishment. These songs convey that message. I gave her the CD last year as a present to take with her for one of her chemo sessions.

Thanks for giving me this space to express myself here.

[dadstimeon]

Erin, Very sorry for you loss. Rich

[ginnyde]

Erin, I am so sorry you loss your Mother. She had a very difficult life, but you, your babies and your step dad were the lights of her life.

[gail p-m]

Erin,

I'm so very sorry to hear about your mother. Despite her hard life, it sounds like you did everything you could to make it better and you suceeded. You were a wonderful daughter to her. Please remember that.

My sincere condolences on your loss.

gail p-m

[Kel M]

Erin,

My deepest sympathies to you and your family on the loss of your Mom. Your post tells of the wonderful relationship you shared.

Kel

[MilliBr1]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Frank Lamb]

Erin,I am very sorry for the loss of your mother.

[Ry]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Maryanne]

Oh Erin, what could I possibly say. What a brave woman your mom was. She was a champion and a role model during her difficult life. I can see how proud you are of her.

Heaven received a beautiful soul!

I am glad you wrote us all about her. That is good therapy. You may want to do a scrapbook on her to to save for your new son. So he will get to know her through all those memories that you put into it.

She certainly had a beautiful reunion when she passed. Her parents and her beloved husband were there for her transition. I feel she just wanted to go quietly.

I know how devestating it is to lose your mom. Expecially, for you as the closeness you shared. But you know in your heart of hearts that she would not want you to grieve so much and to get on with your life and be happy.

Of course I am not saying to do that now, you couldn't as you have to go through the grief process. But eventually you have to just concentrate on that beautiful family of yours,as they are you life.

Your mom will live on through you with all those memories you both made together. She will always be in that special place we have in our hearts just reserved for moms.

I know that your mom will be there for the birth of you son. She would never miss that moment just because she is not physically here.

My deepest condolences to you and your family. This will get better in time.

Please let your son come into this world in his own time.

I know you are under such emotional stress right now beside losing your mom with your husband out of work and selling the house. Everything will work out eventually, just take that one day at a time and some deep breaths.

Keep us posted on the birth of your miracle baby boy. Perhaps he is coming at the right time.

Your mom will be so proud when he is born and she will love him just like she is physically here.

Take care honey, and know that we are always here for you for support and a good shoulder to cry on with a good ear to listen. You can vent and talk about you mom at any time. Anything that will help you with your healing process.

Again, I am sorry for your loss. I know how you feel, like you heart is broke. But you mom is only a heartbeat away.

Maryanne

[michelepal]

Erin,

I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am that you have to go through this. My Dad was Dx with NSCLC on April 1, 2005 at 66 years old and we lost him on Nov 18,2005 so I know how heart broken you are. I was very close to my Dad, I spoke to him at least 3 times a day and saw him at least 4 time a week. I miss him so much I can't even deal with the pain.But, I have 2 sons that my Father thought the world of and my job now is to raise them to be the man my Father was.I no my Father would be devasted if he thought for a minute that they were not getting the attention they need. I'm sure your Mother would want you to Raise your Children and be the best Mom you could be to them..

Time will help just give yourself a chance.

I still cry everyday but not as often and the hole in my heart will always be there.

REMEMBER: You get over a cold not the loss of a loved one. You just learn to live with it.

Michele

[J.C.]

Erin,

I'm so sorry for your loss,

my deepest sympathies.

Stay around and we will read your posts

and try to help if we can.

Hugs

Jackie

[Beanie]

(((((Erin))))) I am so sorry for loss! I know what you are going through, I lost my Dad 11 days ago and I feel like a have an elephant sitting on me most of the time. I do OK trying to stay busy and not allowing myself to think very much ("don't think, don't think" I have to tell myself, especially at night).

You are sooo blessed to have had such a wonderful woman as a mother...... Try to keep her memory alive and honor her by loving those babies of yours with every ounce of your being ------ loving and holding my five year old daughter gives me great comfort, even more so now!! She makes my day, every day and always has. I only hope that my daughter and I can have as great a relationship as you and your mother have had ---- what a great gift you gave her with your love, admiration, and support!!! I am sure no mother could be more proud than she must have been of you, and I hope that gives you strength as you go forward to bring a new life into the world.

Brenda

[NancyT]

Dear Erin,

I am so very sorry to read about the loss of your Mom. Your post really broke my heart, I wish I had some words of comfort, Sending prayers

NancyT

[Don Wood]

Erin, my heartfelt sympathies. Don

[eppie]

((((((((Erin)))))))))))))

[sharyn]

Erin,

Your post was so heart-felt. The love you have for your mom was actually tangible through your words. You have so much going on in your life right now, you are simply overwhelmed.

My personal advice is.... take it one minute at a time.... not a day, not an hour.... a minute. Don't look at the big picture... just glance at small frames of the picture.

This wonderful baby who is joining our world was sent here for a reason. Let him enter the world on his own terms... don't change your plans about his arrival. Those twins who adored thier grams would probably welcome a little bit of heaven into their lives right now... a brand new brother to share their lives with. I wish you love and peace and strength... most of all strength. Your mom had an incredible life with many ups and downs... she conquered them all and kept moving forward... you being your mothers daughter will certainly follow her lead... this I am sure of....

[gerbil runner]

Erin, I'm so sorry to read of your loss. You obviously had a very special mom and a great relationship with her.

I'd agree that you don't "get over" such a loss. You WILL learn to live with it, though, because your mom taught you how to be strong.

Remember that late pregnancy brings its own emotional turmoil - you'll feel better after the birth of your son. Try not to make any big decisions now.

We'll be here for you.

[shineladysue]

Erin,

I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Sue

[Miami Janet]

Oh Erin...I sure do understand how you are feeling...It gets better (a little) with time. Moms are just so irreplaceable and important in our lives especially those of us who were blessed with wonderful Moms. The only good thing in all of this is that Mom is no longer sick but young and healthy and peaceful. Wishing peace for you in the days to come.

With Love,

Janet

[Martha02]

Erin,

I am so sorry unfortunally I know what you are going through . I lost my mom a month ago and the pain is still strong and it still there. i feel so lost without her. I have kids too and like your mom mine too was here with me all the time helping me with the kids. I am not going to lie to you it will take along time to except this. I still cry everyday. I am so upset that I am putting my house on the market this weekend because i can't live here anymore is to painful. Taking care of the kids it's being hard but we have not choice we need to go on and be strong for them. Plus you have one on the way please take care of yourself. If you ever want to talk my email address is: sasha_coscia@yahoo.com

I am sooo sorry, your mom was a special person and she will be always with you. Our mom will never live us forever because that is what they do be there for us FOREVER!

Be strong!!!!!!!!

Martha

[ErinC1973]

Oh, Lord.

I am so touched by all the responses. I realized I got carried away with that long post. So many things all of you said make sense. My husband has said a lot of things to me this past week which I have just looked at him and realized he is SO right. I know I'm running on overload, what with trying to grasp the thought of giving birth in two weeks. I saw my doctor yesterday and we scheduled my c-section--March 3rd. I have weekly ultrasounds, but yesterday's was different. The tech gave me a pic of Ian's hand. I just burst out crying. They were all so wonderful there, they took me right back and tried to get me out as soon as possible. We left, and driving home on the expressway when we got to our exit I said, Ok, we're supposed to stop here, right? The facility my mom was at is right at the exit. We always stopped there to give her the latest ultraosund picture. I felt guilty for not stopping! We had to go to the cemetery instead. It was pouring so hard we could barely see.

I am going to be here for a long, long time. I am drawn to this place. In the responses

I have seen way too many parallels to my own life. I need to know how to do this. I told my husband that I have very definite ideas of how I want to do this, and what roles I want people to play, but I have little control, and it's killing me. I want to be able to sit in my room and use the total bedrest as an excuse for not coming out. And when I want to come out, I want to be able to go to my mom's room sit in there, and then leave and return to my bed. But I have to see the lawyer. I have to keep going to the doctor. And in two weeks from today I have to deliver this baby. No control. No control whatsoever.

Thankyou to each and every one of you for your heartfelt response. I of course broke down with some of them. I know this little baby will enter the world safely because of my mom. I know I will get through this. 11 years ago I lost my grandmother 3 weeks before I got married. The irony of losing my mom 3 weeks before I deliver this baby is cruel to me. But I didn't handle my grandma's death well at all. I spent two and a half years maxed out on prescription meds (courtesy of an incompetent doctor) and two weeks in a mental facility trying to sort out my feelings. I don't see myself doing that this time, even though the depth of my pain I feel is so much worse this time. I know I can make it...I just have to sort it all out how I will be doing that in the future. My husband keeps telling me one day, one hour at a time...and I should not be thinking about holidays, or birthdays, or how I will be acting in 6 months or a year, or 20 years. And of course he saied he will be here for me every step of the way, holding me, giving up his shoulder, and not telling me at any point that I need to stop this and move on because it's been enough. I am so lucky--I always joked around that he and my mom liked each other more than they liked me!! He is hurting, too...he loved her so much and had an incredible bond with her. He took such delicate and loving care of her. And I think he's pretty special for agreeing to let her move in her in the first place. I know my mom knows I am safe with him.

I don't know what the next few days will bring as far as grief goes. I am amazed that I keep going back and forth between numbness and raw emotion. I thought I'd be in shock and then all of a sudden something in me would break and I'd realize she's not here and be hysterical. I didn't think I'd be wavering back and forth. It's hard, because the concept of her not being here is just out of my reach. Even when I am so filled with grief I can't function I still can't quite grasp her not being here forever. Today, right now, I'm numb. I don't know what later tonight has in store. I'm scared to go out into the world...to experience hurt. On Valentine's Day I went to the cemetery and put some things on her grave, and coming out, someone got impatient and cut us off to get onto the street before us. That really hurt. And I know it's just the beginning. I'm really, really afraid.

Again, I don't expect responses to this...I am just rambling and thinking. But I did want to thank everyone for taking the time to respond to me. I hope to be able to give support here for a long time. That in itself is therapeutic to me.

[Fay A.]

(((((Erin)))))

I'm so sorry, Sweetie. We go back so many years. Sending prayers for peace, with much love and affection.

Fay A.

[bethluvswill13]

Erin-Im so so sorry for your loss. I know its so hard...after losing my dad less than a month ago its something you can express in words. I know there aren't any words to ease your pain. I'll be praying for you and your family. You can email me anytime.

Your mom sounds like a beautiful person. That was a beautiful eulogy you wrote.

Hugs,Beth

[Treebywater]

Erin, I'm so very sorry. Your posts just break my heart. I can understand the irony of dealing with death right before big things happen. My grandpa died a month to the day before my wedding. My grandma died 2 weeks before my daughter was born. My Mom died when my daughter was only 4 months old and one month before my husband's first deployment.

It seems like so much to happen all at once. Please be gentle with yourself. I know it hurts... and I know you want to sit in your hurt. That is ok. You will do what you have to do... just because you have to. But don't 'should on yourself' too much.

There are actually quite a few of us girls here who lost a mother either right before or soon after giving birth... It's hard. It hurts in so many ways. Your joy is double-edged. You are so happy about the dear child you hold, but so haunted by the fact that your Mama isn't there to share it with you. We're here, and we'll support you.

Many, many (((((hugs))))) to you. Take it a second at a time for now.