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Scattering Bill's ashes


SBeth

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As some of you know, Bill was an avid SCUBA diver and our long term goal was to eventually retire in St. Croix (U.S. Virgin Islands)so that he could open a dive shop. He hated the cold and the snow (he passed away during the first snowstorm of the winter in December)and asked that he be cremated and that I scatter his ashes in the warm waters of the Caribbean Ocean or Gulf of Mexico. I've been struggling with my loss so much lately and becoming very attached to "his ashes" that I had started to fear that I would not be able to scatter him as he wanted me to do and found myself thinking that it would be okay to wait a year or so. Now, I know that would be okay, but in my heart I know that the very very last words I spoke to him in his casket at the funeral home were that "I promise you Baby, I'll have you back exploring the reef as soon as possible." That said, I've been beating myself up over getting up the nerve to take him down there. Low and behold, I woke up last week to the sound of the toilet flushing and found that I had been sleepwalking (I guess) and dreaming that I had flushed his ashes down the toilet. It scared me so badly that I may actually do that...so I've got "him" locked safely in our safe and I've finalized the plans for my trip to Mexico. At first I was not really looking forward to this, but everything feels so right. Bill's daughter called me and told me that she has changed her mind and now she wants to be there too; both my sisters have asked to go, Bill's cousin's widow (who's been a huge support and comfort to me as we are both 30-something widows) and my best friend are going too. Now I will have five of the best women in the world travelling with me and the icing on the cake...are you ready for this? I called a fishing charter in Puero Aventuras to make a reservation for a boat to take us out for the actual scattering and two things happened. First of all, the owners of the business are from the same small rural county as me just east of Cincinnati and I know their family; and then, she told me to go online and check out their fleet of boats to pick one for the reservation. Now, I'm thinking..."who cares what boat, just pick one" until I see that out of nine boats there is one called "The Wild Bill". Tell me that's not a sign? I just feel like this is going to be good for me. Thank you all for listening to me this morning and for being here for me these last months. THANK YOU so much. I'm beginning to see the light, faint, but it's light.

Much love,

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Oh Beth,

I see a little of that light starting to shine through the cracks as well!!! How wonderful! One ray of light at a time, huh?

Your trip sounds like it will be a very healing experience. With so many "aha's", it is hard not to think there has been someone's 'hand' in it all, don't ya think?

Be sure to let us know when this is gong to occur so we can all be with you in spirit, okay Beth? Many of us would not want to miss sharing this with you.

May the light continue to shine!!!

Love,

Kasey

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WOW...it all sounds amazing...and if it feels right to you, it IS the right thing to do. You have alot of support, the trip sounds like it will be a wonderful and warm memory and I am so happy about that.

I just loved reading your post...the sleepwalking and flushing the ashes, really made me smile.

Focus on that faint light, and remember that Bill is still with you in spirit and in your heart...and he always will be.

We are all here for you too,

Love,

K

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Beth,

This may bother some people but my husband did it when he lost his mother then again when he lost his sister. He had a real hard time giving up the ashes so he decided to keep some of them in his mother's favorite perfume bottle. Then he sprayed the rest. He only kept less then a thimblefull but he feels he still has part of her with him.

Liz

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I think that the way everything is falling into place for you is so fitting and reassuring. It sounds like it is going to be a very meaningful trip. Best wishes to you.

I am trying to find small signs of my mom. My problem is that I don't know if I'm looking too hard, and all of the "signs" are really nothing but coincidence. I wish with all of my heart that I could know for sure. Of course I just buried her on Monday so I don't know when or if I will ever get true signs. In church on Monday right as we were giving each other the sign of peace, the sun came in so strongly and shone RIGHT on me. And all week I've been seeing my mom's favorite movies listed on the cable guide. My husband would say he has no doubt whatsoever that "Wild Bill" is your sign from him. I hope with everything in me that this is true. It's all I feel I have to hold onto right now.

Go on your trip, and follow through with your mission. It is all meant to be.

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Wow Beth, I just got the chills.

You definetly got a sign and to have all your love ones there with you is PRICELESS! Bill will be right in the center of it all and beaming from ear to ear. He loves you so much!!

Enjoy your time there as your are doing Bill's wishes.

I pray for you that you are healing and coping somewhat better.

Maryanne

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Beth,

I have goosebumps... yeah, you got your sign alright!!! Bill is telling you its time!!

I have to tell you, my Mother in law wanted to be buried next to her husband. She died in January ... 4years ago, my husband and I decided not to bury her until the following spring... well, we got so use to having her ashes with us, that it took us till this past january to bury her... you think time will make it easier, but it only made it harder. Then when we did bury her, it was like opening up the wounds all over again..... I think you are making the right decision....love,sharon

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Beth, it took awhile to post because I still have most of Earl's ashes, his daughter has some and we sprinkled some in a garden at our house. It was a garden he built and it had a bench where we rested while we were working outside. I thought it appropriate to have him rest there eternally.

I wish I knew what to do with the rest. I am glad you have such a clear directive - Bill continues to look after you. Your heart will soar that you have done this. My thoughts will follow you on this journey.

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Good for you Beth, it seems that things are working out the way they were meant to be. How apt that the Boat should be called "The Wild Bill"!

I know what you mean though, I still haven't decided what to do with Dave's ashes and sometimes it weighs heavily on my mind. I sometimes think I shouldn't have brought them to Michigan with me as David loved California. At the time however, I couldn't bear to part with them. Now I don't want to put them out in the snow and cold! I suppose some people woud say this is being overly sentimental ,but,that's just the way I feel.

At the moment they are still at my daughters house in a box , (inside a bigger cardboard box,) on the hearth in the family room. My grand-children and the play beside them, (although they don't know what is in the box and have never asked,) and I know he will be happy there until I make my decision.

Thank you for making me feel a little more "normal" Beth, I thought I was a little strange to be thinking like this.

God Bless,

Paddy.

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