KarHart Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Last night I woke up dreaming about a liver transplant for Ken. It took me a long time to get back to sleep thinking about it. As soon as I got into work I started doing research and though about calling his Onc. for a recommendation. Fortunately, I was able to bring myself to a halt, but it was so hard. I know it is impossible for a number of reasons (shortage of donors, type blood B-, not primary liver cancer). It is just really hard because I know if he could just start with a new liver we could have a fighting chance again. His lungs have remained stable for 8 months, no brain or bone mets. If there was an unlimited supply of donor livers I would try to pursue it. It is just so damn hard to give up. He got 2 units of blood at hospice yesterday, I hope this will give him a boost in the energy department. I had to take him to the center which is in the hospital where this all started 16 months ago. When I went back to pick him up this song was playing on the radio "Remember When" and I just started crying uncotrollably. Had to sit in the parking lot till I got under control and all the tears dried up. I haven't done that very much and I know it means I am getting really scared. On the surface I know I look like I am doing just fine, but I know I am not. I have to keep it all together though, just too much to take care of right now. I will have all the time in the world to fall apart later. Karen H Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBeth Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Karen, I'm so sorry for you. I do know how hard this is to accept and I fully understand your inability to "shut your brain down" at night. That is when I came up with my best treatment plans and ideas for Bill. I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Love, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirleyb Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Karen, I am so sorry that everything is going the way it is. You and Ken are in my prayers. May the time you have together be good and give you more precious memories. Praying for us all. Shirleyb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miami Janet Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Karen, Thinking of you and Ken and praying for strength for you to deal with everything on your plate. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Karen, I know what you are going through. that happened with Deb and I. I tried so hard to hide the fear and the sorrow because We both knew we were running out of options. I found a book from her Religion called conquering your fears after she passed away. We would not understand it the way she would but she had her beliefs in this religion called Eckankar. Little bit broader than mainstream Christianity. It is normal to be scared and you would not be human if you weren't. I know Ken Has got to be terrified of these thoughts; Of what is happening. Be strong for each other but try not to hide your fears. Let your emotions out when you are scared. It is probably the healthiest hting that you can do right now. I used to go outside when I got emotional so I could have my private time with God under the stars and we could talk. Believe it or not it did help. We came to terms before she passed about what to expect and I think that became a strenght. We never gave up the fight though. She had a better offer for a new fight, and took it. I hope this helps you find some peace that we do understand the pain and hope that ths post may help in some way. I will say extra prayer for you and Ken and the rest of your Family. Always say i love you whenever you can and cherish each moment that you have together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MalouDP Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Karen: I have been praying for you and Ken. I know exactly what you are going through. My tears fall down my checks anywhere anytime. I am very melancholy inside me, but I have to put a big o smile in front of my husband. Our favorite words, together, we are going to kick this cancerous beast in his chest and we laugh it out. God Bless you Karen and Ken. Keep the faith. Love, Malou Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEA Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Karen, Keeping you and Ken in thought and prayer. It is so hard to watch what this beast does to our family and friends. Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Karen, My heart goes out to you. You and Ken are in my prayers. Love, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenl Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Dear Karen There is absolutely nothing wrong with continuing to search for, and hope for, something that might help Ken. We did the same thing for Mum, right up until the end - HOPE is what kept us all going.... I hope you get a miracle, Love Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolhg Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Both you and Ken are in my thoughts and prayers. Prayers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Karen, The world would be a dark place if HOPE did not keep us going. Will keep you and Ken in my prayers for hope for a better tomorrow. Love Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mskim Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 I'm so sorry. I try to come up with all kind of solutions myself to the point where my step dad says I need to stop reading about treatments and implies I am some know it all.. I think is just shows I am not ready to give up or give in. I am praying for your husbands health and for some peace in your heart. Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunny Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Karen, I wish I had something useful to say. I do admire that part of your heart that keeps looking for a solution. from what I have heard, no one really keeps it together - we just find those moments when we can let go, then put our game face back on when our family need us. hang in there. let us know what we can do. xoxo amie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adela Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 I am sorry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carleen Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 (((KAREN))) Boy do I understand what you are thinking. I can't count the number of times I've thought about a liver transplant for my husband. I've even asked his onc about it, just to be told they would never consider it. A transplant is risky for someone who is otherwise healthy and strong and way too risky to ever consider for someone who wasn't. Plus, they wouldn't consider it a cure, so they wouldn't give a valuable liver to someone who wouldn't be cured by it. I felt like an ignorant child, but I refuse to feel bad about asking for any solution, for holding onto any line of hope. I ask about everything I hear about, most of which I'm told are not an option. But I hope that one of these days I will find the option that is answered with "We can try that". Nothing ventured nothing gained. I know the pain and fear you are feeling. Unfortunately. I wish I could take this away, that none of us would ever have to face this fear. I will be praying hard for you and Ken. Know that you are in my heart, and I am thinking of you both. Love Always! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gerbil runner Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 I'm so sorry for the pain you feel, and I understand it. After my mom was diagnosed with brain mets (huge ones, at that) we knew that with her type of cancer it was only a matter of time. It's ok to grieve. It's ok to be sad. It's normal to have dreams of "impossible". Tackle treatment and possible treatment however Ken wishes. And take note of whatever strikes you as worthy of remembering. Cancer is a weird dance of hope for a cure and memories that will sustain if a cure is not to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Karen, you and Ken have my prayers. Don M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tatlyn Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Karen, words are just so inadequate when someone is feeling such heartache. You never have to keep up hope. Stay strong, be well and know that so many others are praying and hoping right along with you. (((Hugs))) Karen. Lynda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Hi Karen, Glad you posted as I have been thinking about Ken and wondering how he is doing. Saying prayers for a miracle. Hang in there, you are so strong, but please let it out when you can. That will help you cope. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bauner95 Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Karen, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for you. We try so hard and fight with all we have for so long it is all we know how to do. I am praying for you both. Enjoy each other! Kim M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethluvswill13 Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 Karen, Im so sorry your going through this, just know I'll be praying for ya'll. Hugs,Beth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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