MarkG Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Oh my gosh, I spent a year with the knowledge, along with Leslie, that the day would come that I may be without her. It was a very difficult year, along with a lot of happy, bonding moments between us. In a strange way, it was one of the best years for us together. But still, it was in our face, the knowledge of cancer within Leslie. I have to say, she was so strong through it all. She saved me the worry by being so strong. I admired her strength so........ She worried about me more than herself, right to the end. When she was transfered to Denver, I was a few hours behind her before getting to the hospital. The staff mentioned several times how worried she was about me, not herself. She told me she was so worried that no one would be here to take care of me if she wasn't here. I told her I'd be ok. Boy was I wrong!! I am not ok, at least right now. Even with all the thought and preparation, and discussion with Leslie about how I would handle being without her, I can say no amount of preparation can ready you for the sense of loss. I have her ashes here now. It doesn't bother me too much. But I look at the box and just am amazed that's all she is now, a box of chipped bone and ash. She will stay with me a while until her life long friend, Sally, comes to retrieve her. We will bury her remains in Placeville, California in Sally's backyard with a new little tree, as Leslie wished. Leslie loved trees. She was the ultimate tree hugger!! She would hug trees. In our backyard there is a gigantic willow tree. She loved that tree, and would hug it. She said she felt it's life force. I will come here quite often to vent. This experience is something that many seem to not comprehend outside of this place, althought they are gracious. I know they don't understand. I can only say that sometime in almost everyone's life, they will understand. It is a part of life. My co-workers sympathize, but some admit they can't even imagine what it's like. My boss has been wonderful, but even he says he cannot comprehend the loss. He gets me back into regular work mode, or at least tries. I told him that I am not 100% right now, but will do the best I can. I loose focus, want to do well, but admit I am barely up to the task. I hope next week brings more focus for me at work. I am lonely here. No family nearby. But it's funny, I don't want to be alone, but don't want company either. It's a strange, limbo sort of state of mind. I only wnat Leslie here. I talk in the house as if she's here. When I come home from work I say "I'm home honey, what's for dinner", or "what would you like to do tonight?" Seem weird, but it may help just a tinge. I have not been able to remove her under garments from the dresser. I don't even want to think of throwing out her underwear, which I know I must do eventually. But it just feels like if I do, I'm throwing her away. I just leave the drawers as is and don't open. Well, I could go on and on. I wish some of you were close enough to come visit, I really do. Seems we're all spread out around the country, and world! I used all my vacation, sick and berevement time, have to accumulate time again before I can venture out on a journey. But later this year I will. Maybe I can connect with some of you guys later this year. I will tell more stories about Leslie as time moves forward. She was a multi-talented person, a genious, literally, very high IQ. She was a book worm. I have boxes and boxes of books, every single one she had read. One of our moving vans was practically all books when we moved to Colorado. Ok, I won't write a novel here. But I will write more later. Once I'm beginning to get out of my greif, I will be happy to help others with the pain I am learning to deal with, myself. I wan to help any and all of you. I am that kind of guy, I suppose. I love nothing more than giving of myself to others. Right now I realize I need to receive the same that I would normally be giving. So if any one needs me, advice, a shoulder, just to talk, please contact me. If I can help in even the smallest way, I will be fullfilling my life's desire, to help make this world, this life we share, maybe just a little bit better for people. All my best to all of you, Mark Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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