Just Checking In

[Linda661]

Well, mom is about to get her first followup CT scan and start radiation tomorrow. I was gone last week so that left mom doing one chemo session by herself -- even though I told her they will give you another appointment and you need to give that to your nurse (at the facility she is at right now)...and I checked in with her as soon as I returned and she said she didn't have another appointment....she missed her chemo yesterday! I got it rescheduled for this Thursday.....maybe now her chemo doc will begin to believe me that she has some problems going on that he just won't support me on. She got nasty on the phone with me yesterday (hung up on me too and said for me not to bother to see her) when I just called to get a list of things she needed for me to bring her -- this was the first time she would have seen me since I was away -- I went in anyway after I got her chemo rescheduled and that changed her mood a bit, but she still swears they didn't give her an appointment (but I assure you, they did....they are very good about that). She doesn't even know how many chemos she's had and just argues with me at the drop of a hat. I think she resents I went away as well.

I know she resents that I got her approved for Dial A Lift -- she has been using cabulance service and there is no reason she needs to do that: that's $70-$100 per trip and she is strong enough to use the intercity transit version of that. Same doorstep service....but she won't "ride a bus"!! By the way, I went over all of this with her and she signed the application for it......she now says well, after all I say she has problems....yadda yadda. I can't help but marvel at such resistance to providing her with some independence, especially useful when she comes home....think she prefers to totally depend on me for everything and she doesn't need to do that (right now anyway). Happy to support what you need me for, but this is ridiculous.

Her doctor said in front of her and me at our last appointment that maybe I was making this up (i.e. her abusive behavior toward me; I think I've talked about that in here before too) -- I think he thought he was being funny, but that hurt really bad. He doesn't know her well enough -- but I know what she can do with a statement like that in her anger and what she does with me. She's already posturing how kids can "set up" their parents.....of course that does happen to plenty of people, I've heard the horror stories too; but when it's not true, I am basically the potential punching bag. Things are bad enough without that on my plate too. I am running her entire affairs at the moment, including my dad's estate...that's scary enough for me without some trump card idea of my making up what's grieving me bad about issues with her condition that I believe her doctors need to monitor and address -- especially if they think I am gonna hang in there and just take it and caregive unconditionally...

Ain't gonna happen that way. The nursing home staff has told me that this is not uncommon for folks in her position...that makes me marvel even more why her doctor would be so unsupportive of me.

Not gonna chase him down on that either and ask for private consults that he doesn't appear open to anyway. I am chasing down too many other issues in her care (that quite frankly I think the medical establishment should be handling, but they aren't...what a mess!): if he can't be bothered, neither can I.

Patient first: let him deal with it when I leave, if it needs to come to that.

Linda

[kamataca]

Geesh, Linda, what a mess!

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this right now. This disease affects so many of us in different ways. I don't know your history with your mom, but do you think she is displacing her anger at the situation on you?

At any rate, keep taking such good care of her. Come here to vent if you need it. I'll keep you both in my prayers.

Keep us posted!

Kelly

[mhutch1366]

Hang in there, Linda.

There's a special page in St Peters book for daughters like you.

You're doing what you think best, so you can live with yourself and sleep nights.

That's integrity, and caring.

XOXOXOX

MaryAnn

[Don M]

I am sorry it has been difficult for you as a caregiver Linda and hope things soon get better for you. At least you seem to have a healthy sense of what your personal boundarys are and will not let them be violated.

I hope your mom's ct scan is good and that the treatment plan brings improvement.

Don M

[Linda661]

Thanks for all of the support.

Kelly, I think she very well is displacing anger: she has done that her whole life and is big on being "dependent" on everyone -- she used that one big time in her marriage with my dad and it was an ugly thing to observe, including her violent tendencies with my dad (don't anyone ever believe that all domestic violence is male initiated, I'll just say that much). She never had to be dependent either but now that my dad is recently gone, I think she has a whole lot of regret for never taking charge of things in her own life -- now this disease is here....not easy for her by any means. Unfortunately, I cannot support her emotionally in this one given what I know in my history with her. I adamantly want independent counseling for her there as anything I say that is true to what I know she just calls me a liar (we remember the family past differently with my dad). My history with her is also why I just will not tolerate abusive behavior no matter how sick someone is.

And you might know I got myself royally sick since yesterday so I missed the CT scan and radiation doc visit today! Hopefully I will make chemo tomorrow if my fever will break and I don't pose a contagion risk to anyone.

Linda

[Maryanne]

Hi Linda,

First of all, I hope you are feeling better.

You certainly have your hands full. Are you the only person who takes care of your mom? Any siblings to help you out?

It is not pretty picture when anyone lashes out at you. I know what that abuse feels like. You are a great daughter that you are here for her. I don't know what she would do without you.

I know how frustrating it is when someone is verbally abusive to you for no reason. But being abusive back is not going to help the situation any. Try to take her moods in strive as all those meds could reak havic on anyone, not to say having LC. She also has all that anger bottled up throughout her life. She must be very scared and confused. Sometimes we just lash out on the ones who are closes to us.

I pray for her tests to have positive results. Hopefully, she will come around and accept some outside help for her anger.

Hang in there. Keep us posted.

Maryanne

[Linda661]

Maryanne, I am the only child and there is no extended family of any sort to help out. My history and experience with my mom is more than verbal abuse, though that is her predominant mode with me personally currently (hasn't always been that way and has included non-life threatening physical violence to both me and my father). Over all of the years, she really doesn't acknowledge or remember such things, probably because she was so horribly mistreated when she was little herself.

Nonetheless, I don't subscribe to excuses for that sort of behavior. Dad and I had a pact that we would call 911 if she ever exhibited violent behavior again (she hasn't exhibited any physical violence for the last 16 years that I know of). Things were pretty good until her bloodwork got messed up just prior to my having to have her hospitalized -- she is deceptive with her doctors and doesn't know what's what at the moment....that is what is so hard -- if you don't know her, she looks perky and just fine -- she is perky and strong, but she ain't right if you spend enough time with her. Everything she tells me I find out is incorrect and I spend alot of time on wild goose chases for her needs along with all of the legit mess. Correct her knowledge on anything and it's a verbal nightmare most days. I just can't cope with her personal emotional self and handle everything else that is going on right now -- all I can do is support her physical needs (including her financial affairs which are in the air with dad's so recent passing) and see to it that all the support is in place to meet her needs without it relying so much on me personally.

I am running our farm as well, with 2 very sick horses (mom's dream there too, not mine, which she doesn't appear to be willing to let go of at the moment -- how can I morally do anything with that???? getting rid of them on my own could emotionally hurt her bad and she certainly doesn't need that right now yet I am stuck with a ton of work and expense to keep them)....I am just strapped in every area that I am supporting her already without the personal hurt factor. That's where the doctor's nonsupport is getting me big-time and why I won't put up with it.

I have over $300K per year (forecast) of new income I need to generate for her with her financial situation, current disease/farm needs, and the fallout from dad's estate. Every setback just delays my ability to help her there and that just rots (excuse my language there). I am not working a paying job myself through all of this, and I would really like to get this settled so I can go back to work -- so far the doctors think that just because I don't work a paying job, I have nothing better to do than deal with mom and 24/7 her custodial oversight needs -- they are so wrong it isn't even funny.

Linda