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I am torn and still a mess...


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Hello everyone, my friends and family who are here. I need help, support, whatever you can offer me right now.

The hospital Drs. and therapists have determined that mom is not well enough to go to an acute care physical therapy rehab hospital. They feel that she simply could not do 3 hours of PT and she may feel defeated if she tried. So, they are sending her back to the short-term rehab unit at the nursing home. Now, considering that her insurance was getting ready to release her prior to this surgery bc she was not making significant progress, I know that this will be a matter of days, maye a week or so, until we are faced with what the next phase is...

I WANT MOM TO MAKE THE DECISION AS TO WHAT HAPPENS WITH THE REST OF HER LIFE. We knew that she had these 2 tumors after her first surgery, but decided not to tell her or anyone bc it would possibly impede her therapy. Then, SF talked me into talking mom into going to the rehab unit at the nursing home. I AM TIRED OF LYING TO HER. I AM TIRED OF EVERYONE BEING IN DENIAL.

I want to talk to mom next week when she wakes up more and have that talk where I ask her how she would like to spend the rest of her life.

In my mind, the options are (just thinking aloud here):

1) Move from the rehab unit to the actual nursing home wing. There are no Drs. that visit, unless there is an emergency. There will be no therapy. Mom is not kept clean and uses the bedpan bc she says that by the time they get to her, she has lost the notion. We come and visit and I can clean her as much as I can be there and still raise my family. Pro-less arguing with SF, she could take a bath 2 times a week. There is a risk that things could turn bad and we would not be there with her. We are basically out of control..

2) Come live at my home and schedule 2 people to be there at all times. I can work 2 ten hour days at work, to free up the other 5. Between my SF, me, John, my brother, uncle and aunt, we can manage this. I know that the noise of my kids would be very stressful for her and us, but again, my family has never put anyone in a nursing home. My mom was the caretaker for my grandparents. She changed her catheter, made meals, kept grandma clean and was there with her and hospice when grandma passed on..

Was it easy for her? No, but she did it out of love. She mentioned to me a few weeks ago that when grandma was in the hospital for blood clots, she stayed with her the whole time. I think she was trying to tell me something...

I want mom to make the decision, not us, while she is still able. Am I wrong? Should I just let SF call the shots as to what happens to make him comfortable bc he is her husband? My uncle says he agrees with me and he particpate in the converstaion with SF as to leaving it up to mom.

If I have this talk with mom, basically being honest that she is NOT going to get better and her physical state will not improve, will I devastate her and force her into depression and giving up? She told the therapists that if this surgery did not work, she hoped her mind would "go" bc she did not want to know.

What should I do guys? I have to start work..

love you all, me

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