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I read today that grief is passive, it happens to you.

Mourning is active........it is your rsponse to grief and requires your attention.

Not sure if I have processed that statement correctly but am working on it.

I am still in grief, if this is true.

I remain a deer in the headlights as I have been since 2/8/05 when Bri was dx.



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((())) I'm sorry you feel so sad. Grief is so exhausting. Sometimes you can't even get yourself to move. I'm sure Brian would be pleased to know how much you continue to support us here on the board. So, so many times you've shown your kindness and compassion. You're a beautiful person. Prayers that you continue to have strength and hope.

Joanie ((()))

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Pat, I know what you mean about feeling like a deer caught in the headlights since the cancer diagnosis. I feel like I began grieving and or mourning at the time my dad was diagnosed. Sometimes I don't even know if I grieving correctly or not. That probably doesn't even make sense. Anyway, I'm thinking of you...


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Hello my dear friend, Pat,

I'm not sure I completely processed those meanings either. I actually stopped and looked up both of those words in the dictionary. By being in grief (passive), do you mean you are like the deer - basically frozen, not able to function? If so, I so hope that you will get involved in some kind of support where you can become more active (mourning) in expressing your grief.

Actually, I'm a bad one to give this advice, because I only went a few times after Don's death, but only because I got locked into working 10-12 hours a day since December. I fully intend to get somewhere where I can REALLY LET IT OUT!!! as soon as the fires are put out at the office.

I hold back from my friends, family, and in situations like I described in my recent post: at doctors' offices, etc. I'm sure it's not healthy. I think it would better to occasionally, not more than weekly, if we went somewhere where there are people, or a person, where we can cry all we want, pound on a bag or sofa or whatever is provided, and just LET IT OUT!

My prayers are with you, Pat. We're side-by-side, along with others, in this excruciatingly painful journey. I know that, with God's help, though, we CAN do this.



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I wish that I had a magic salve to help soothe your heart, I cannot imagine what you are going through at this time.

Take a deep breath and allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need, you've been strong for the duration of Brian's illness and your strength will always be there.

Take care


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Mr dearest Pat,

Thinking of you, my friend as I always think of you everday and pray for you to have some comfort.

I wish I could do something to help your heart hurt less, but that will just take time. As time goes on it will become more acceptable as well as toleratble.

Oh Pat, you guys were so brave. I know the type of gentleman Brian was and he just wants you to heal as he is in the glory of heaven. He also misses you, he was so special and you guys had an acceptional loving relationship. True soul mates, through and through.

I pray for you, my friend and I pray for you getting use to your new norm one day. It will take awhile, but you will get there. One day at a time, baby steps, etc.

Brian will be waiting for you (a long time down the road) and the frist thing he will probably say to you is how fine he is and you had nothing to worry about, he was always with you but he also was just so worried about you, as you are the one was left behind. Every once in a while you even feel his presence if even just for a fleeting second.

Take care and heal my friend. We miss you as Pat & Brian, but there still is you and you are a very special lady here. You always have been and always will be.

I pray tomorrow is a little better.

Maryanne :wink:

Many hugs and prayers sent out to you.

G-d bless you.

Lova ya


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I am so sorry for your pain, I know how unbearable it is. There have been many times when I have thought I would rather die than go on without my man.

My only advise to you would be to let yourself feel the pain. Sob, rant, scream, but get it out. Each time you let yourself grieve/mourn you will feel stronger. That is not to say that you will miss Brian any less or that their won't be times when memories come out of-the-blue and knock you back into the "pit" again, but just that you learn how to handle the grief a little better.

A book that helped me a lot is called "Widow to Widow" by "Genevieve Davis Ginsburg,M.S. It is worth reading.

If I can help at all, please email me.

Love Paddy

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Dear Pat,

I know there is nothing I can say that will help right now. You and Brian always reminded me of my parents. I could tell by your words and picture how you two were so devoted to each other. When you wrote about feeling like a deer in headlights it reminded me so much of how my Mom is feeling. I try so hard to help her, but nothing really helps. I wish you lived closer and could meet my Mom. I think you two could understand and support each other. She feels completely lost and so lonely without my Dad. I'm so sorry you have to go through this process. I will pray for strength for you.


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Oh Pat, it just plain hurts. Now, my hubby did not die of LC and he died suddenly, but grief is grief as far as I know. Chad has been gone for 5 years and I am finally at a point where I can look back and know that we lived the life that he/we wanted. I have no regrets. I hate the fear that our precious son will always wonder what if his daddy was still here, but he knows that he has an angel that watches over us and that gives me great comfort.

I am five years out from losing him Pat. 5 whole years, I just can't believe it but time does help, believe me.

Some things that I have done to help are:

#1) I saw many grief counselors who explained the grief process and I learned that there really is no process. Thngs can come and go and come and go-sometimes it is maddening! The counselors helped me to make some goals and work toward them.

2) I take time to celebrate Chad. For instance on his birthday and death date, we release balloons. It just feels good and reminds me that he is among friends and family and in paradise.

3) I sent a tree to our closest couple friend that they have planted in their yard in his memory and it is growing more and more every year.

4) I have Chad's ashes, which we will take to Colorado when Graden (my son) is about 9. His remains will be scattered into a stream where he loved to flyfish.

From your post, maybe these things were my mourning. But I see it more as a celebration of him and his life. I pray for you to be able to do one thing this week to celebrate Brian.

I love you, even though I've never met you. If you need anything, please let me know darlin.

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Pat -

My heart continues to ache for you. I pray that you have found happy moments and joy in some days since Brian went to Heaven. I miss my mom more than anything, and it pains to see my dad suffer so -- they were married for 46 years and I believe had the kind of relationship you and Brian had.

I don't believe that you have been a deer in headlights when Brian was sick...you were so proactive, such an advocate, such an amazing wife, caretaker and friend. Brian was so blessed to have you.

I looked to you for so much support during my journey, and admired your strength. If you are truly passive now, you have every right to be. I have found that I am now able to think of my mom some days and smile, not cry --- I hope you soon have more smiles than tears.

You continue to be in my prayers.


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So hard to live those days of grief,

not knowing which direction we are taking,

one step forward, two backward but in the

long run we move forward even if we don't

think so.

Plenty of HUGS for you and a good shoulder

to rest on.

Lots of love


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