so many emotions

[lilyjohn]

I thought it time I check in and let you all know how I am doing. I guess I am alright but I'm not really the best judge of that.

There are no words to discribe the mixed emotions that I have. So much of my hurt is from seeing my children and grandchildren devistated but I have my own pain as well. Had we not divorced Denis and I would have been married 45 years just a few days more than a month before he died.

There are so many memories both good and bad. Do I have regrets? yes in some ways. I could never have lived with him again and had we not divorced when we did I think as bad as things were I would have lost all feelings for him. I would have missed my one chance for happiness with Johnny and then when Denis died I would have still been alone. Had it not been for all of the heartaches and trials that I have gone through in the last 4 years I would be a basket case right now. Johnny gave me strength to get through whatever I need to face.

I have a very deep sadness and I am angry too. Denis was a good man. Not the best husband but a good dad and a great grandfather.Some of the things I have learned suggests that he knew or suspected something was wrong with him and he didn't really say anything. He did tell his dad that he was waiting until after Mardi Gras to have some tests done because he thought he had blockages. I suspect that he had had episodes before and got passed them and thought the same would happen this last time. Instead he didn't make it and has left a big hole in our family.

Most of his family treat me quite well. One aunt is a little cool to me and that hurts because we were always kind of close. His dad is a remarkable man. I have the utmost respect for him and I do worry about him. The first thing he told me when I got to the funeral home was that he had watched Denis die. That really broke my heart I was hoping and praying that he hadn't been there.

The children didn't want an autopsy. They said it wouldn't change anything. They do intend to get his medical records and see if there is anything there that he was keeping from them. His death was so sudden and unexpected that most of us are still in shock.

He had spent the whole after noon with his dad. Ge called his dad and told him that he couldn't breathe to call 911. His dad, his sister and brother in law and nephew and his wife ran back to the house(it is right behind theirs). He was telling them he couldn't breathe and that he felt like he was going to pass out. It started to fall and they caught him. His nephew did cpr but couldn't revive him. Needless to say he is heartbroken. The ambulance worked on him but I think he was gone when it passed out. They found a glass of milk half drank on the cabinet. That suggests that he thought he had heartburn. He did asperate but I believe he died of a massive heartattack. I just pray that he didn't have time to be afraid. I have a hard time dealing with the fear.

As you can imagine my kids are after me to move back here. I know they are all going to need me and they are all I have but my life is so different. How to I give up what I have worked so hard to achieve for myself? I will deal with all of that when I get home. I will need time and space to get my thoughts and feelings together. I don't want to make a decision strictly on emotions. I know if I do move back here it will be the last move for me. It will be very hard but what in life is not hard.

Sorry to make this so long. I just don't have anyone here to really talk to about all of this. Isn't it ironic that the one person who I could have talked to and who would have understood the best is Johnny?

Oh well got to go. Another day and more things to tend to. My best to all of you. Love Lillian

[shirleyb]

Lil,

Life has not been easy for you to say the least. I am so sorry about another loss in your family. My heart goes out to the kids and grandkids. I know how mine were when their father and then their grandmother passed. They have lost those that taught them so much. It is hard for everyone.

I can understand why your kids want you back "home". They need you now more than ever. But you also don't want to lose the independance you have gained in the last few years. I hope at some point you can find that happy medium for you. Going back "home" doesn't mean you have to lose what you have gained. You are not the same person you were when you left. Take that new found strength that you have and use it to your advantage in possibly building a better life for you and your children. But think about it and give yourself time to let your emotions calm down before making any decisions.

Take care, you and your family are in my prayers ,

Shirleyb