Chalking off meltdowns . . . one at a time

[stand4hope]

Just when I begin to think I'm getting better, along comes something else to freshen the wound.

The past couple of weeks I've had a hard time driving past restaurants. Don and I used to go out to eat once or twice every weekend. We had our favorites, but we tried most of them. I don't know why they are jumping out at me all of a sudden, but they are.

In addition, we actually had a few hours of sunshine yesterday between the monsoons (they're coming again tonight), so I got out in the yard and sowed some grass seed and put another bale of straw over the mud. I cried most of the time while I was doing it because Don would have been out there as soon as the rain stopped working his butt off.

I think this has just been building for a couple of weeks. So, last night I just went into total meltdown. Once again, my brother was the one who got the call and got the sobbing tears, but like usual he said the right things.

He told me first of all that if all of these "firsts", as Pat (Patkid) worded it, had hit me all at once right after Don's death that I probably wouldn't have survived the agony. He also said that he thought it was a good thing that I am experiencing these emotions because it was a great tribute to what we had together, the kind of man Don was, and a great tribute to our love. He said that since we were together for so long that all of these little things were just a part of our every day routine lives and had no significance at the time, but they do have significance, we just don't know it until they aren't there anymore.

The emotions have continued, though. A friend stopped by last night and I broke down, I cried through most of church today, and I cried talking to my next door neighbors this afternoon.

In spite of all this, you probably won't beleve me when I say I'm ok, but I am. I think the only way we really get to "OK" is by going through these hard times. I thought that since I have been through losing my parents, my in-laws, grandparents, etc., etc., that I had a handle on this thing called "death", but . . . . .

Love,

Peggy

P.S. On a lighter note, I emailed a friend this week about the restaurant problem and she said I should just pull in to them one at a time and have dinner and cherish my memories. I wrote back and I asked her if I went in and ordered my usual chicken and a rib-eye for Don, and then sat and talked to him if she thought they would call the police. She wrote back and said, "OK, maybe you shouldn't order for Don, but at least you still have a good sense of humor".

[Patkid]

((((Peggy))))

I cry at can openings these days.

I think I am okay, too, but I am miserable a lot of the time.

The Nascar Race is on and I keep wanting to tease Brian about Larry Mac's horrible abuse of the English Language................We had a little ritual where I commented on that and Brian reminded me that I always knew what he meant.

The worst/best thing that happend this week was finding a note from Brian to me. It was tucked in a book that I had not opened for years.

It was in his real handwriting .........before he lost his right hand..............I just came unglued. what a treasure. He really did 'get' me and he loved me anyway.... a lot.

He was a true 'heartful' and I miss him like fire.

Aren't you glad that we have those memories and feelings and warm thoughts?

What if we did not miss them? What if it was a relief that they are not here?

I try to remember that what was SO VERY VERY VERY GOOD is what makes this SO VERY VERY VERY BAD.

Lots of love

P

[J.C.]

Peggy,

I understand very well those changes, they

come but they also go.

For the restaurants:

Mike loved his food so we had some favorite

restaurants and after he died, I decided that

I needed to go alone and eat in those restaurants

to heal as best I could.

So all dressed up and nose up, I go, ordered

my usual and have a quiet meal, with my book

as company.

And I walked out of the restaurant, forgetting

to pay.................

just woke up when I got to the car, turned around

and went to pay, that was a first but not the last

for me.

Love

Jackie

[Frank Lamb]

Peggy,my wife Connie will have a tough time with this one also as we always have enjoyed eating out.I am comfortable going in a restaurant and eating by myself but Connie won't do that.

[Don Wood]

We eat out almost every night, so I can relate. Hang in there, Peggy. Don

[SBeth]

I understand Peggy. I say I'm okay, I say "No really Mom, no really Dad, no really Sis, I really think I'm doing okay, I'm starting to feel better and the days aren't so hard anymore, I'll be fine." That is what I think they all need and want to hear me say...then I go home, or I hang up the phone and I fall apart. I hate my new life. I miss my old life. I hate being alone. I miss my husband. I understand Peggy and if YOU say that YOU are okay, then I believe you and I envy you.

And as for going into restaurants; I still find myself doing a quick once-over on the menu to try and guess what Bill will order. I can't help it, it happens every time and then the light goes on and that stings burns so bad as I realize he isn't there to order. I understand Peggy. Let's find a good restaurant half-way between Indy and Cincy!

Love,

[pammie]

wouldn't it be awful if you spent all those years together and did NOT miss him. What sweet and good memories you have. cherish the. praying for you. pammie

[RandyW]

Take a picture to the restaurant and you will have someone to talk to. Remember always present in spirit wherever you go. Good Luck and I know how you feel. Glaad the daffodills are blooming cause I don't know how to grow flowers.

[Patty]

Hugs to ((((all of you))))

Patty

[stand4hope]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Ok, Jackie, you're the boss! I'm taking your advice:

So all dressed up and nose up, I go,

Tomorrow, me, my sister and her boyfriend are walking into Don's favorite restaurant, Outback. I decided to do the hardest one first and I will do it your way: "all dressed up and nose up, I go."

And, the healing begins, or rather, continues . . .

Love you guys so much!

Peggy

[Ann]

Peggy...enjoy the dinner at Outback. I am so glad you have your family to go with you and support you! Just remember...every day is a new beginning. You're headed forward now. It's always OK to look back and remember all the beautiful memories.

[stand4hope]

OK. Here I go. We're meeting at 4:00 - less than one hour from now. I know this is not an event of a lifetime, but it sure is a big deal for me. I've been sucking up energy from this board almost all day.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,

Peggy

[J.C.]

Peggy,

Enjoy yourself,

Don't forget the bill...........

Big step but it has to be taken

Love

Jackie

[karenl]

Well, Miss Peggy, how was it??

Hope everything went smoothly for you....

Love Karen

[stand4hope]

Thanks for asking, Karen. It went well. We really had a good time and laughed a lot. Just like Don would have wanted. I talked incessantly. They will probably never want to go out with me again. Whatever technique works to keep the uglies away, huh?

I didn't get emotional until it was time to leave and I reached across the table, took their hands, and thanked them. Then Linda and I both got weepy, but it was ok.

Love,

Peggy

[SBeth]

I'm glad you've got this behind you and found some peace in the dinner with your sister. I admire your strength Peggy!

Love,

[ginnyde]

Another step forward, good for you.

[mirrell]

hi peggy,

4 years later i still cry at the oddest times. my mom does it more frequently than i. the fact is, there is no other way but just to deal with the emotions. and your brother is right, don deserves to be mourned and remembered. perhaps you can ask someone to dine with you at some of the restaurants to remember and reminisce about don. i think it would be wonderful therapy. because you don't want to deny or forget those memories, you should relish in them. i think next time i see my mom in calgary that i will take her to a restaurant that her and my dad frequented. just for ole times sake. all the best to you. mirrell

[J.C.]

Peggy,

So all went well, glad for that.

When is the next time?

What people don't understand most of the

time is those new steps that we take alone

are like the first step taken on the moon,

that one was recorded and showed as the even

of a lifetime, and our first steps are only

for us but as important for our life.

xo

Jackie

[paddy]

Congrats Peggy, I am glad it went well. It was very brave of you to go.

Now that I have moved to MI, I don't have any of the familiar places to go to. I have missed going to the Outback with my husband too, It used to be our favorite haunt. We always ordered the ice-cream, rolled in coconut and topped with chocolate sauce and straw-berries! What was it called?!! We used to share one, and then Dave would cheat and steal some from my side! I miss those evenings out.

It's ironic, but it is often the happiest of memories which bring the tears for me.

Love, Paddy