2006 - the worst year of my life

[SherA]

Hi, I'm new here, and this is my first post. I came across this site while searching for grief support groups, but I really wish I had found you guys sooner. Like when Rick was first diagnosed and I was so scared and had so many questions.

But he's gone now, so shockingly fast. He went to the hospital with pneumonia on Feb 2, and he passed away on Feb 23. How my life changed in 3 short weeks! And he seemed fine until about a week before he went to the hospital. Then he was diagnosed with stage IV adenocarcinoma with mets to liver, and within 2 weeks he was gone. I know it was better for him that he didn't have to suffer for a long time, but it's been very hard for me to deal with. I was still so upset about the diagnosis, and trying to deal with that and care for him, and then when he died it started all over again, but even worse.

I'm afraid I'm not handling this very well, and feel as if I'm dying, too. I'm having trouble sleeping and I forget to eat and I cry all the time. In fact, I think it's a good day if I only cry 2-3 times! Sometimes I feel so much pain in my heart that I feel like I can't breathe. I just don't know how I will ever get used to him being gone.

It's only been 20 days since he passed away, and he was buried on 3/6, but I wonder if it's normal for me to be feeling like this or if something is wrong with me (like losing my mind or something?) I really don't feel like I'm the same person anymore, and I wonder if I ever will be again. And I wonder how long I can hurt this much, and how other people go on when facing a terrible loss. But every day when I get up in the morning, I look for a reason, and so far, every day I've found one.

Thank you for listening,

Sher

[ginnyde]

I'm afraid I'm not handling this very well, and feel as if I'm dying, too. I'm having trouble sleeping and I forget to eat and I cry all the time. In fact, I think it's a good day if I only cry 2-3 times! Sometimes I feel so much pain in my heart that I feel like I can't breathe. I just don't know how I will ever get used to him being gone.

Sher, I could have written this exactly 1 1/2 years ago. What you are feeling is very 'normal', you have lost the love of your life. BUT, as I have said so often, it does get easier, not easy, but easier. You will feel like you are moving forward and wham, you are 3 steps back, but you move forward again.

My mantra is to stay busy. It is harder to flounder when you are busy. And, for many, a grief consuling group helps them.

I am sorry you lost your husband. Stay with us and let us help you.

[RandyW]

http://www.beyondindigo.com/

Check Out this Website We found.

I was writing a post earlier and lost it trying to link this website. My name is Randy and I lost my wife on 1/23/06. I know how you fel right now. Rick needs you to take care of yourself. HAd a great post and forgot 1/2 of it now. Stay busy and remember the good times with Rick. Write them down if you want. Writing helped me tremendously with my grief. Go for walks in the morning or evening. Work in the garden if you have one. People die but love does not.

Many prayers for you at this time, and let us know if we can help. We'll leave the light on.

[SBeth]

Sher,

I'm very very sorry for your loss and I wholly understand your pain, as do many others here. I'm far from an expert as I'm just learning to cope with all these new feelings myself, but it sounds like you are perfectly normal and coping as well as anyone would expect. I hope you have family/friends to help you thru this experience, if not...you do now. We're all here for you. You keep finding a reason every day and when you are having trouble thinking of one...come on here and let us find one for you.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

Love,

[Ry]

Welcome to the site. I am so very sorry for your loss. There are many here that have been where you are and will help you through this.

[MilliBr1]

Welcome to the site. I am so sorry for your loss and will keep you in my prayers.

[Maryanne]

Hi Sher,

I wish you would have found us sooner also.

My deepest condolences goes out to you. I am really glad that he did go fast and you did not have to watch him go through the pain that so many watch

their love ones go through. I am just so sorry you were just not prepared for that happening so fast.

Know that he will always be with you. Someone suggested writing you feelings down. That may be theraputic to help you somewhat.

I did not experience what you are going through, but many have. What you are feeling is new and very normal, there is nothing wrong with you. You may want to get some medication to help you cope if you do not take any now.

We are always here for you to help you through this.

I am sure you will hear from more of our members who are going through what you are feeling.

I am so sorry... just give it time, one day at a time.

Maryanne

[Frank Lamb]

Sher,welcome to our support family.There are many others here that have and are enduring the same pain.They will be able to help you during this trying time.

I am very sorry for your loss.

[J.C.]

Welcome

to the forum,

sorry about your loss,

my sympathy.

we are here to offer support,

just tell us what we can do

to help.

Hugs

Jackie

[michelepal]

Sher,

I'm so very sorry for your loss! Your husband has only been gone 20 days give yourself a chance.

It's been 4mts since my Dad passed away and we still cry everyday, it's OK to cry.. Maybe you should ask your Doctor to give you something to help calm you down and it may help you sleep better. My Mother always has better days after she gets a good night sleep. Again I'm truly sorry for what you going through it really SUCKS but hang in there it does get easier but not for awhile.. (((HUGS)))

Love,

Michele

[Nancy B]

Welcome Sher. I am so sorry for your loss. Stay with us and let us help you through this. I am praying that you will find some comfort.

Hugs,

Nancy B

[lilyjohn]

You will find there are no words to properly describe the agony you are experiencing. Just know that you are not alone nor are you abnormal. Life throughs us some real curve balls and there are times when it just seems more than we can handle. One thing I have learned is that we do handle our grief just as we do so many other things. We are stronger than we ever dreamed posible.

Your pain is normal and there will be many more emotions you will experience not the least of witch will be anger. You just have to go with those feelings. Don't fight them because that only makes it harder. I also suggest that you start a daily journal. In a journal you can say all of the things you would never say to anyone else. You can express your love, fear and anger and not worry about what anyone else will think. Putting those emotions into words does help. You may not realize it at the time but a few months from now when you read back you will see just how far you have come and just how strong you really are.

God bless you and give you what you need to get through the days and weeks ahead, Lillian

[bronbear]

Welcome to the support group Sher. So very sorry that you have to be here at all, but hope that this can give you some comfort and let you know that you are not alone. I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad five months ago and your post really struck me because of the similarities. My dad also came down with pneumonia and died three weeks after that so your post really hit me. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but it still hurts. The only thing I can say is that you learn to put one foot in front of the other each day and try to live a good life and honor your loved one. You will have some good days, some bad days and some terrible days. But just remember that there are people here you can talk to who understand your pain and will help you all they can. Again, glad you found this site and I will keep you in my thoughts.

[KarHart]

Hi Sher,

My father Ken just died two nights ago, so my family and I can relate to what you are going thru. The freshness of grief is so raw and powerful. My mom (Karen) and I will be keeping you in our prayers. Please go easy on yourself, seek help when you need it, and keep us posted on how you're doing.

Hugs,

Laura (and Karen)

[SherA]

Thank you all so much for your support. Knowing that each of you are dealing with your own pain makes this outpouring of caring even more amazing to me. I'm so sorry that any of us has to go through this, but it does help to know that what I'm feeling is "normal". It sounds strange, but I guess this is what normal is for me right now. I feel guilty and selfish for going on about how my life sucks right now when Rick is the one who lost his life. And I'm mad at myself for not knowing something was wrong sooner, when he might have had a chance for recovery.

Staying busy is a very good idea. I feel like I was much stronger when he was sick, and while going through the funeral and burial. I think I was numb then, too. It seems odd that dealing with funeral arrangements would help keep my mind off his death. I guess it's just because I was busy - I had to do these things, so I had to be OK. Now I feel like I don't have anything to do, and I find myself waiting for him to come home. I'm just not really interested in doing anything else.

I think it's harder in the morning. I wake up thinking of him and trying to remember my dreams because I know he was there and if I could just remember then it would be like he was really here with me. But for some reason, I can't remember my dreams anymore. I dreamed of him once, the night of the day that we buried him, and I swear it was like he was really there. I ran up to him and ran right past him. Then I turned around and he was there, hugging me and talking to me and then I suddenly woke up and couldn't go back to sleep.

I think writing is probably a good idea, too. Even though I can hardly see the keyboard through my tears right now, I feel like it's keeping my brain more organized or something so that has to be good. Thank you all so much for taking the time to help me deal with this and know that I'm not alone. I wish you all the best.

Sher

[hollyanne]

Sher -

You are so not alone! What you are feeling is grief and it absolutely stinks, just stinks. I have not had a single dream that I can remember since my mom really started struggling in October 2005. I too felt stronger through the funeral, etc. I think the adrenaline of getting it all done keeps you moving and then it hits and it hits so hard.

As sad as I am that your husband went so quickly, I am so very happy that he did not suffer and that you did not see him suffer. This disease sneaks up and I am sure you did everything you could -- it just hits so many people out of the blue --- my mom had a backache, went to the doctor and was diagnosed with stageIV adnecarcinoma as well ---- we too wonder if we could have caught it earlier, even though I know I could not have.

Take every hour as it comes. Get some medication to help you sleep. Know that your husband is completely free from all pain and that life will go on for you.

It sucks, it really, really does.

With love,

Holly

[shelliemacs]

Sher,

although I do not know your exact pain of loosing a spouse, I lost mom, dad, F/I/L to LC and cousin to cancer of the mouth all within the last 3 years. It is an unthinkable situation with impossible odds.

All I or anyone else expect from you for the next few weeks/months even is Breathe in ....breathe out....breathe in....breathe out.... when this becomes bearable then we can move onto possibly something mundane like laundry or eating.

Don't do more than you can handle at this point, the amount of days your counting means nothing. It could take 3 months, 6 months a year to feel like you can breathe without it killing you inside.

just remember one thing I keep telling myself and try to share with others.

where your love is...is literally 1 breath away. One deep breath. He is still alive in your heart. Love does NOT die, you don't have to stop loving him or put those feelings away simply because he is no longer physicially here. He is alive inside of your heart and will stay alive there as long as you need and want him to be there.