Love Hurts

[lilyjohn]

Love hurts That is a lesson I learned early in life when Johnny and I were seperated. Over the years that knowledge has been reinforced time and time again. Love hurts but love is what makes life worthwhile. How do we live without it?

Something new that I have learned about love is that like so many things in life there really is no black or white. There are shades of all colors in love nothing is cut and dry. That has been one of the hardest lessons for me but at last I do understand it.

My time here with my family is winding down. I will be here for another week and a half then head home. I'm glad that I have chosen to take the train home. Not just because of my fear of flying but because I need that time of solitude. There are just so many things going around and around in my head. So many things that I need to put to rest.

I would never have thought that Denis' death would throw me like it did. I know that we had so many problems and divorce was the right answer for both of us. I also know that even if the love I had for him could never be as strong as what I have for Johnny it was still love. Two people can't hurt eachother so much if there is no love.

I have come a long way toward making peace with him and something he did actually helped me. Denis was never one to admit that he was wrong about anything. He never said "I'm sorry" in 41 years of marriage. I thought that he would never understand what was wrong with our marriage but I found out that he did.

Two years ago at my granddaughter's wedding we were all asked to say a few words on the video. I had to go home and never got to see that video. One night last week I saw it for the first time. As I listened to words that Denis said I realized that he did finally understand. He told them how important it is to share and to talk, really talk and he told them that anger never solved anything. So much of that was what was wrong with our marriage. I got the feeling that he knew that someday I would see that tape and know that he understood finally. He could never have told me those things in person, that just wasn't him. So maybe I can feel like we made our peace with oneanother. I wrote a note to put in the drawer on his coffin.

There are so many things that have to be taken care of. My children are still reeling from his death but they have to move forward and decide what to do with a life time worth of accumulation. It doesn't help that we found out that the house can not be insured if it is unoccupied. Especially with huricance season looming just a couple of months ahead. I think my children will handle it all okay. One of my daughter in laws and my son in law will never cause a problem but one daughter in law is already.

I know that she loved Denis and she is grieving for him but it is almost as if she is treating his death as a windfall. That both hurts and angers me. She also makes it a point to say things in front of me to let me know that I no longer have say so. She likes to flaunt what should be done with the things that she knows were mind. Things I had no choice but to leave behind. I couldn't afford to ship the cross country and I would never have stripped Denis of everything. The truth is they may be inheriting from Denis but so much of what I would have had to leave them is tied up in the house and everything in it. Two of my children understand that but she influences my son. I'm not sure if he understands of not. I just know that if she doesn't stay out of it there will be trouble between my two sons. I can't stand that and I know that Denis would not want that either. I just pray for an easy solution.

As for me I am having to think about the future. Sense Johnny's death I have gotten by with living one day at a time, sometimes on minute at a time. I can't do that anymore. My kids want me back here. This is not my home, It never has been nor never will be but they are here. There is a big hole in their lives without Denis. I can't fill that hole but I can take my place back. I just don't know how I am going to do it. I can be here for them on holidays and when they need me but what about the rest of the time? There lives are so busy I will be alone most of the time in a place I have always hated. I will have to give up my home and my friends and the life I have made for myself. It will be so hard but I know that is what will be sooner or later. I just pray for God to show me the way and the right time.

I guess my finances will be a major part of any decision that I make. I have been told by SS that I will draw full widows benifits. They said sense I am drawing at 62 that will be 81% but I don't know if they mean 81% of what Denis was getting or if widows benifits are less and I will get 81% of that amount. That will have a big part in any decision that I make. I will not be dependant on my family and the work I do would pay only half as much here as it does in California.

Oh boy. I seem to have written a book again. There are just so many things going through my head and no one that I can really talk to. How I miss Johnny he would be the one person I could tell anything. The one person who would understand me and give me all the support I would need to make a difficult decision.

[stand4hope]

Lily,

You have really had a few rough years! I think only you can answer these questions, and if you listen to your heart, you will know what to do. By "heart" this time, I don't necessarily mean the emotional heart, I mean the conscience that is really there loud and clear telling you what to do. If your conscience is saying "I don't want to stay here at all. I want to stay in California", then listen to it. If it's saying, "Stay here and leave California", then listen to it. Just make that decision, be final, throw your shoulders back, smile and feel good about your decision. If you do decide to stay in Calilfornia, your kids will be ok.

Lily, I hope and pray that you find some peace and tranquility sooner rather than later. It's time for some happy, stress-free days for you!

Love and hugs,

Peggy

[Maryanne]

Lil,

Maybe that is what Jonny has been trying to tell you in your dreams. Maybe he knew that Denis would pass and he knows perhaps you would be better off living near your family even if you would not see them that often, and then maybe you might.

Family is so important and you have Grandchildren who can get to know you better by being closer.

Perhaps you won't have to work as hard, if you can draw off his social security.

Is the house still in your name?

Maryanne

[Snowflake]

Lillian,

Family isn't always a plus. Sometimes the best thing to keep a family close is a bit of distance.

Think it out carefully and weigh both sides of the decision.

xxoo,

Becky

[lilyjohn]

It is all so complicated. I love my family and it is hard to imagine living the rest of my life away from them. Still while here I have the same feelings that haunted me all of the time I lived here. I just don't belong

I go outside and look around and my eyes ache for sight of the mountains. The humidity makes the air so heavy that I don't even breathe the same. I was here only two days when I got sick. I know part of it was because I hadn't slept for 3 nights but I can remember how many times I suffered with sinus and was always in the doctor's office. Sense moving from here I haven't even been to a doctor. The flu once and a bad cold in October is the extent of my illness other than the things caused by stress. It just all comes back to me now.

Yesterday was Johnny's birthday. All of the emotions from that added to the rest and there was no one I could share it with. I haven't even worn the locket with his picture and hair in it sense I got here. I don't want the grandchildren to see it and be hurt. I feel like I would be flaunting it in their faces while their pain is still so raw.

The finances are an other thing. When we divorced I settled for a little less than half the value of the house. I took nothing with me but my clothes and a few personal things. What I left behind was understood between Denis and I that it was to go to my children and grandchildren. I had told them that even the things from my parents were to stay in the house until he was ready to give them up. Now he is gone and everything that I had to leave to my family is tied up in that house and all that is in it. I don't want the money and I want very few of the possesions. I just want them to realize that even if it is all in their dad's name it is comming from me as well. I have nothing else to leave them.

I think my childen understand that at least my oldest two. My youngest son was the most hurt when I left. He and I were not closer but our relationship has always been one where we talked even when we disagreed. Now there is so much I just can't talk to him about. A lot of that is due to his wife. I know she really loved Denis even tho them bumped heads constantly. Still I just don't feel that she is showing him the proper respect and I feel that she is doing all she can to tell me that I have no more say. That all that was mine no longer belongs to me.

The last thing I want is trouble between my children but I will not stand for her to take control and push me aside and neither will my oldest son. I have to walk very carefully.

They all knew of the problems between Denis and I. Still they will never understand why I left. All their lives they were my whole life. They never got over the idea that they should be enough. That I shouldn't need anything else. Sense I left they built an image of Denis that is far different than he was. Don't get me wrong. He was a very good man but he had a lot of problems. There are so many things that I could tell them that they don't know but I am not made that way. I want them to always remember him with love and respect even if their image is unrealistic.

There is a picture of Denis when he was about 15. A lady who knew him most of his life died several years ago and her granddaughters found the picture and gave it to me. It had stayed behind in the albums. I always intended to get it along with a lot of other pictures someday. I just couldn't afford to take everything with me and I had no intention of stripping everything from Denis. I told my son that I wanted that picture that it is mine. When he told me that he didn't think I would want a picture of Denis it really hurt. I guess they will just never understand. I did assert myself on that tho. My daughter in law found the picture and I told her again that it is mine. She said she would make copies for everyone. I told her she can make all she wants but that one is mine and I intend to have it.

So as you can see it is all so mixed up right now. I'm trying to help them with insurance and all of the things I know about that they don't. I want to make sure they get all that is comming to them. Not only do they deserve it but Denis deserves to see that happen. As for where I will end up I just can't think about it right now. I will go home get to work and try to save some money while I am working and drawing SS. Then in a year of so I will make a decision that will not be based on money but on what both myself and my family need most.

All of my life I have been the one to sacrafice. The tendency to do that still is a part of me but I have to count too. I can not throw away all that I sacraficed for up until now. I just can't lose myself again. I owe it to myself and I owe it to Johnny to do what is best for me and let that make my decisions.

[Maryanne]

Lil, I know when the time comes you will make the right decision. You are right, you don't have to think about it at this time. You have plenty of time to decide.

I just get upset that you work so hard when you are home.

Thinking of you,

Maryanne