lilyjohn Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 Love hurts That is a lesson I learned early in life when Johnny and I were seperated. Over the years that knowledge has been reinforced time and time again. Love hurts but love is what makes life worthwhile. How do we live without it? Something new that I have learned about love is that like so many things in life there really is no black or white. There are shades of all colors in love nothing is cut and dry. That has been one of the hardest lessons for me but at last I do understand it. My time here with my family is winding down. I will be here for another week and a half then head home. I'm glad that I have chosen to take the train home. Not just because of my fear of flying but because I need that time of solitude. There are just so many things going around and around in my head. So many things that I need to put to rest. I would never have thought that Denis' death would throw me like it did. I know that we had so many problems and divorce was the right answer for both of us. I also know that even if the love I had for him could never be as strong as what I have for Johnny it was still love. Two people can't hurt eachother so much if there is no love. I have come a long way toward making peace with him and something he did actually helped me. Denis was never one to admit that he was wrong about anything. He never said "I'm sorry" in 41 years of marriage. I thought that he would never understand what was wrong with our marriage but I found out that he did. Two years ago at my granddaughter's wedding we were all asked to say a few words on the video. I had to go home and never got to see that video. One night last week I saw it for the first time. As I listened to words that Denis said I realized that he did finally understand. He told them how important it is to share and to talk, really talk and he told them that anger never solved anything. So much of that was what was wrong with our marriage. I got the feeling that he knew that someday I would see that tape and know that he understood finally. He could never have told me those things in person, that just wasn't him. So maybe I can feel like we made our peace with oneanother. I wrote a note to put in the drawer on his coffin. There are so many things that have to be taken care of. My children are still reeling from his death but they have to move forward and decide what to do with a life time worth of accumulation. It doesn't help that we found out that the house can not be insured if it is unoccupied. Especially with huricance season looming just a couple of months ahead. I think my children will handle it all okay. One of my daughter in laws and my son in law will never cause a problem but one daughter in law is already. I know that she loved Denis and she is grieving for him but it is almost as if she is treating his death as a windfall. That both hurts and angers me. She also makes it a point to say things in front of me to let me know that I no longer have say so. She likes to flaunt what should be done with the things that she knows were mind. Things I had no choice but to leave behind. I couldn't afford to ship the cross country and I would never have stripped Denis of everything. The truth is they may be inheriting from Denis but so much of what I would have had to leave them is tied up in the house and everything in it. Two of my children understand that but she influences my son. I'm not sure if he understands of not. I just know that if she doesn't stay out of it there will be trouble between my two sons. I can't stand that and I know that Denis would not want that either. I just pray for an easy solution. As for me I am having to think about the future. Sense Johnny's death I have gotten by with living one day at a time, sometimes on minute at a time. I can't do that anymore. My kids want me back here. This is not my home, It never has been nor never will be but they are here. There is a big hole in their lives without Denis. I can't fill that hole but I can take my place back. I just don't know how I am going to do it. I can be here for them on holidays and when they need me but what about the rest of the time? There lives are so busy I will be alone most of the time in a place I have always hated. I will have to give up my home and my friends and the life I have made for myself. It will be so hard but I know that is what will be sooner or later. I just pray for God to show me the way and the right time. I guess my finances will be a major part of any decision that I make. I have been told by SS that I will draw full widows benifits. They said sense I am drawing at 62 that will be 81% but I don't know if they mean 81% of what Denis was getting or if widows benifits are less and I will get 81% of that amount. That will have a big part in any decision that I make. I will not be dependant on my family and the work I do would pay only half as much here as it does in California. Oh boy. I seem to have written a book again. There are just so many things going through my head and no one that I can really talk to. How I miss Johnny he would be the one person I could tell anything. The one person who would understand me and give me all the support I would need to make a difficult decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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