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So sad about what I heard...


KatieB

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My dad is SO tired and SO weak. He can't even sit up by himself without help...he can only walk a few steps. My mom was telling him..."you have to try" and out of nowhere, he looks at her and says, "I don't want to die."

This is my strong and stoic daddy...my brave and courageous dad...

Hearing these words come out of his mouth rips my heart to pieces. He must be really very very scared. I've have never heard him say anything about death or anything that wan't positive...mostly he keeps to himself...now today, he says he doesn't want to die.

Of course he doesn't know that I heard this.

This were words between a husband and wife...

My mom seems lost too...

We need prayers that miracles do exisit, and perhaps PLEASE, let this all be worth it- the treatment be working and let my dad get better.

All of you are in my prayers each day..... I've not started a post here before, but I can't get Dad's words out of my head......I want to SAVE him. Why can't I SAVE him? Maybe God will.

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I can only imagine your heartbreak from hearing those words. When my mom's oncologist told her that she still had active cancer in her lung and lymph nodes...the look on her face tore me up. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and take away every bit of her suffering. Your dad will always be in my prayers. It is so very hard not having any control to make things better.

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Dear Katie

Maybe its just the radiation and the chemo combination that is making your dad so weak and scared. You said he had a very rough time last time with just the chemo so its very possible that this is whats making him feel this way. I can tell you that I have said those same words to my husband when I was not feeling well from the chemo and I was never as weak as your dad is, so I know the feeling. You get scared sometimes when you are feeling sick, it gets you down. Has his blood been checked recently? I am praying that he will start feeling better when the radiation is over. Always thinking of you and will continue to prayfor your beloved dad. You hang in there girl and think positive thoughts.

Best

Bess B

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Katie, I can sooooo relate to how you felt when you heard your dad say those words. My dad recently told my mother how he is praying for HER, so that she can go on without him. Later that day he asked me to move in with my mom after he passes to take care of her...its heartbreaking when your daddy is so scared and there is nothing you can do.

I am thinking of you both right now and I pray that your daddy gets stronger, physically and mentally.

Tracy

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Dear Katie,

I feel your pain and am praying for you and your family. It's so hard to see that our strong ones are only human too and that they can hurt and suffer like the rest of us. These treatments can take such a toll on our minds and bodies, I hope he will get a break soon and regain his strength. Don't forget to rest and take care of yourself.

Jenny

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What can you say when you see the ones you love most suffering so much and being so frightened? Nothing can compare to that experience or heartbreak. Sending many prayers and thoughts to you, your Dad and your Mom. So wish I had more to offer; just doesn't seem like enough sometimes.

Gail P-M

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katie,

i was so saddened to read this posting. i know the heartache you are feeling. i tend to look at a life-threatening disease like this as something that tears your heart apart slowly and mercilessly. never give up katie. i never did. your dad is a fighter and so are you. i am praying for you and your father katie. please know you are not alone. mirrell

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I don't know how many times I can say thank you to my friends here. I started off this year so supportive and strong and it seems as though the tables have truely turned. ALL OF YOU ARE so good to me.

Dad is the same, but he has SO MUCH FIGHT inside of him. We had to "check" ourselves today and remind ourselves of how terrible he was almost a year ago. He couldn't communicate, was in much pain, and the prognosis gave us only a few months....He's come SO FAR! It's been almost A YEAR!

This is a bump (big bump) in the road for him, but it is still DO-ABLE I think. I tell myself and constantly have to remind mom that he's getting the double-whammy...chemo + rad. And that this exhaustion, extreme weakness, immobility is all a result of that.... I tell mom, his mind is STRONG, he tries very hard to eat, he drinks alot and takes his meds, his WILL is strong. It's not nearly over....and I pray that it won't be for a LONG time. Still the CWD and the worry and depression linger, as with us all I guess.

I find myself having mood swings with my siblings who call from out of town...maybe angry that they can hang up the phone and the cancer goes away for them...I am introverted at work, I am ANGRY at stupid petty things and people...and I just know if cancer were a person, I could kill him with my bare hands for what it does to people. :evil:

I'm trying to cope with all these feelings that I thought I had settled a year ago...but like the cancer, these feelings coming rolling in and out like the roller coaster we all face. I'm going to start exercising, some alone time for me and then some family time for my husband and child whom I've neglected for the past year emotionally. I'm also revving up for a new battle...put my anger to good use...implement some alternative therapy into dad's routine medical treatments, I want him to try everything, research some more options...I've read about physical therapy and just tonight taught my mom how to do a few things to strengthen Dad's legs and arms.

It isn't much, but I feel like I'm doing something again, and just maybe there will be a light at the end of this tunnel!

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Katie,

I found the page in Tuesdays with Morrie that helped me so tremendously with processing all feelings.

It starts on the bottom of page 103 and goes to page 105. He talks about handling these feelings--letting them come up and face them head on. Feel them acknowledge them, then put them aside. I think that's what you've been doing, and it's just fine.

hugs and hugs

gail

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I find myself having mood swings with my siblings who call from out of town...maybe angry that they can hang up the phone and the cancer goes away for them...I am introverted at work, I am ANGRY at stupid petty things and people...and I just know if cancer were a person, I could kill him with my bare hands for what it does to people

Katie B - We all know how you feel, and you express yourself so well!

It's not fair, it's so frustrating but somewhere we all find the strength to carry on and fight the fight because it's so worth it to try and save our loved ones.

I hope you do take time for yourself - the time will be well spent clearing your head and getting back in touch with all the things that make you strong.

I am praying for your Father and for your family too....everyday!

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Katie,

Your post brought tears to my eyes. Your Dad is so lucky to have you as a Daughter. I believe it is his traetment. It exhausted me so... Iremember thinking, How in the world would someone older handle this treatment. I am young and in good health!"

Katie after your Dad ate apeice of cake at his party, I had Jack go out and get me some! I thought if Katie's Dad can eat it, I will try. It was one of the first foods to go down. I think "will to srvive" had something to do with it. Your Dad insired me! He has expresed his desire to" not want to die!" That is important.

How is the puppy doing? Mine continues to try to lift my spirits daily. Katie since you are exporing alternative treatments check this out. My friends doctor gave her this information. I don't know if it wil help, but who knows? Castleberry Foundation ww.neuroreplet.com

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Oh, Katie, I am so sorry for all that you and your family are going through. I can relate, a bit, to your sadness at your dads vunerablity. It is so hard to see that side of someone that has been so strong, so positive. It is good that you gave your parents the respect of letting their conversation be their own. It must have been difficult for you to hold back from running in there and giving your Daddy a big hug.

As far as your 'turning the tables' and needing to lean-we don't expect you to be our 'superwoman', in fact, it is good that you have been seeking support as well as offering it.

Balance is everything.

Enjoy your son, enjoy each stage as much as possible and don't feel guilty about it.

As far as your sibilings, I keep thinking that they should be more involved while they can, because I would not want to have to live with the guilt that they will most likely feel, when all is said and done. The guilt of not being there for their father and mother and sister when they were needed most. The guilt that they didn't take advantage of the time they could have had with your dad-that they didn't TAKE THE TIME to make themselves available to him, to show their love for him. Its really a shame.

And you, my friend, have everything to be proud of...you have been so involved and your dads biggest asset in this battle that he has been engaged in. So when you take some time for yourself and your son and husband, it is not only beneficial to your part in your dads battle, but it is necessary-if you never turn the light switch off, the bulb will burn out when it is most needed.

As it is with your family-don't feel guilty for needing to do something for yourself, joining the gym has given me so much more focus, and energy. A 'can do' attitude. Especially my cardio kick-box class (I literally imagine that the air that I am throwing punches and kicks at are those "can't be seen with the naked eyes" cancer cells that have infiltrated my dad. A friend that I go with told me that I look so focused and determined in that class-I don't tell her my secret-she probably wouldn't understand.)

I am so sorry that I haven't posted sooner, I just really haven't been around much.

And as far as this big bump being do-able-It sure as SH#* IS!!! Just remember that being tired and fatigued when undergoing the chemo and radiation is par for the course.

I will try to be around more, please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers...as is everyone here. I hope that you find yourself on smoother roads soon. We are here to try and help pave the road and light the path. Take care, Katie, LOVE YA!!!

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Guest canuckwebgrrl

KatieB,

Your posts have helped me so much in the past, I regret that I don't have words of wisdom for you. :?

You don't need me to tell you that you're an amazing person, I'm sure you've heard it a million times, but you are so inspirational to me & others on this board.

So much of what you're going through is familiar to me, but all I can say is keep your chin up and don't stress about 'possibilities', there's enough stress dealing with day to day.

Take care :)

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Dear Katie,

It is terrible when we hear them talk this way. My father will say things and we remind him that he was talking like that 4 years ago when he was first diagnosed with lymphoma and he's still here and battled lymphoma again two years later.

We know how it hits us like a ton of bricks and we cry, etc. So, it hits them too and they are dealing with all the drugs going into their body as well. Dont be sad your father said that, he was expressing an emotion, how he felt at the moment, that moment will pass. He is weak because of the chemo that will KILL THAT BEAST!!!!! The chemo has to be stronger than the BEAST, so he has to be weak for awhile.

From one daughter who loves her daddy to another Im sending a hug and prayers.

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Katie-I believe we have gotten close on here. I am praying for you ALL. Tell your dad that I too have days where I can hardly move one foot in front of the other but we keep on going, I keep asking God for the strength and he gives it. You and your dad have a special dad-daughter relationship and that bond will continue thru out time. Give him lots of hugs! Love Ya!! Cindy

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Katie,

I'm so sorry for what your dad, mom and yourself is going through! It really saddened me, because I have heard those exact words from my boyfriend several times. Hes told me that hes not ready to die yet.. He asks me quite often, "So do you think they will get this?" and he points at his chest...I encourage him like everything, but its hard to answer that, because I don't know myself. Only God knows what he has planned..I know if I have any say in it, he will live a long time!!! I'm not ready to turn lose of him!! I won't believe anything else at this point!! I do know that I value our time now, alot more than before. It has really pulled us closer together!! I'm thankful for that! Its too bad that sometimes it takes something bad to make you realize you "might" not have forever! You Katie will have no regrets, I know its hard not to get angry at your siblings, I too get angry sometimes when I feel others should do more, but I will do what I have to do, and I wouldn't be any other place...

Darrell too, has been doing chemo, and radiation, and he has been so tired and weak too.. Everyone says its alot tougher when you do both, and from what I hear others say on here it must be. He sleeps and lays most of the day. Darrell wants to feel good again, he says its hard to imagine what that would be like again, to actually feel good. I know his muscles aren't near what they use to be, he did something with his arm the other day and the next day his muscles were so sore in that arm, he said I never realized how weak I was getting. I pray to God everyday to help Darrell and everyone else that this horrible disease has affected!! Before this happened to Darrell I never thought too much about the word cancer... I truely knew nothing about the disease, but now I could write a book on what I know and how horribly it affects everyones life!!! I hate cancer!!!

Katie I will pray so hard for you and your family!!! Sometimes I wish I could just reach through my computer and hug so many of you!! We feel each others pain, because everyone on this site is going through it. Good luck and hang in there!! Christy

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