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It hit me out of nowhere today


SBeth

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I had a business meeting this afternoon during which it was supposed to be announced that I have been offered and accepted a new position within the company. This is an opportunity that I planned to pursue prior to Bill's illness and he was not happy when I put it on the proverbial back burner to cut back on my time in the office and spend more time at home with him...a decision I will never regret. Nonetheless, here I am in a meeting with about 30 colleagues expecting my transfer to be announced and it doesn't happen. My direct support decides it would be bad for team morale and withholds the announcement opting to send it out in an email tomorrow. I was so disappointed and angry. My instinct was to reach for my cell as I headed back to my office and call Bill. I needed his calm head to reason me back and help cool my temper. He was always my center and now he was not there. It's one of the first times that I momentarily (very momentarily) forgot and thought things were normal again. I was overwhelmed with this fresh sadness as I nervously scrolled down all the people in my cell-phone looking for someone to fill in and take his place. There was no one. God that hurts. It just set the tone for the rest of the day and I noticed how much it hurt when I drove past a restaurant and saw a couple walking in holding hands and it occurred to me that it had been months since I had held someone's hand while walking into a restaurant.

I guess one good thing about all this is that it occurs to me that for the first time in a very long time...I felt some passion about something, albeit anger...but I was able to feel something about something other than the loss of my husband. Am I crazy?

Sorry, I'm ranting...I am crazy.

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You are not crazy. You are a confident and very recently promoted smart young woman. Oh and did I mention you are such a cutey too? I'm not flirting, really, just letting you know that you are bound to have moments like this and it does not take away one morsel of what or who you are. It makes you human. It hurts honey I know, but I for one am very glad that you come here to vent about it. We love you, we accept you and we care.

Dumb asses. Don't they know that you deserve full attention? You work your butt off!!! Congrats on the promotion. Bill is so proud, I'm sure!

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Well, Beth, it appears the "numb" is starting to wear off. A sign that you are progressing through the grief, but also a sign that there is more distance between life with Bill and the new reality of life without him. I'm sorry, so very sorry that there is no one in your cell phone list to even be a substitute for calling Bill - BUT, take heart. The fact that you knew he would talk you down and that you DIDN'T fly off the handle proves that he is STILL in your life and in your heart. He is still influencing you, and that, my friend, is a plus.

Hugs to you, and if I EVER make it to Cinci, I'll hold your hand when we go for lunch, PROMISE!

xxoo,

Becky

P.S. - How far is Cincinnati from Akron, and in what direction?

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Hi Beth,

Well, first of all, I guess I'll have to start my "hall pass" tomorrow :) :) :) because I couldn't not respond to you because I love you so much.

I can so much identify with you not being able to call Bill. As you know, in December I had to deal with a devastating situation also at my job and I actually thought I was going to die because Don wasn't here for me to release all my anger and sadness. It was a very horrible time - VERY painful, and I needed him so much! I got through it, of course, but oh my gosh, I so, so much know how you feel about not being able to share all those feelings with your Bill.

As far as them holding back on the announcement, Becky and I will put on our gang clothes and go beat the crap out of them if you want! :twisted: They'll never know what hit'em.

Hang in there, honey! I love you!

Love,

Peggy

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Hi Beth,

Sending hugs your way...it must be so hard to pick up your phone and realize you can't call Bill. But you can still talk to him...I am sure he is listening.

You're not crazy. It never ceases to amaze me that direct supports don't tell us in advance when plans change. Will your promotion mean you will not be working with the same individuals...if so, the boss was probably afraid he would get clobber for letting you go. Congrats on your promotion.

Mary

PS I grew up near Versailles Indiana. Approx. one hours from Cincy!

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Hi Beth,

What a dissapointment to say the least. You, I am sure deserve more than them announcing it in an e mail.

I can only imagine how it felt when you went to call Bill and realised you couldnt. You did though Beth as I believe he was right there with you and wanted to wrap his arms around you and comfort you as much as you needed that!!

My hubby used to go back to Oklahoma once a year from NH to visit his family for 2 weeks and I have to tell you even those 2 weeks he was gone and I knew he was coming home it hurt to see others in public that were in love and huggimg each other or holding hands as I yearned for him so badly. I know that hurt or want in me was nothing compared to what you are feeling. One day at a time Beth.

My beliefs are you will be together with him again and when you are it will be for eternity and it will be without sickness or hurt.

You are in my prayers sweety.

God Bless You,

Jane

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Beth, oh boy can I relate. First, morale poop, they should have given you your moment of glory. Poor boss not to realize you don't reward good work with a quiet email, you need the loud sound of clapping and back patting.

I still talk to Earl. A lot of times to my steering wheel. I am sure other drivers think I am certifiable. And, you know Beth, I can hear his answers, I'm sure you hear Bill too.

And, as others say, I think it is good that you felt that anger, you are moving out of the 'deer in the headlights' stage. Easy, no, but getting easier. You had that moment of 'normal'.

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((((Beth))))

I love you, honey.

I understand and it is just no fair! All of it.

Know that I am with you every step of the way. If you ever scroll through your #s and see mine...call me ~ just to tell me that you want to call Bill. I get that and I will listen and love you.

P

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Hi Beth,

Gosh, I do know how you feel. I have began to experience some of the same. I know what you mean about wanting to call Bill. I would call Leslie in the same way. Leslie was such a smart, intuitive person, I turned to her often to get me back on the right track. I am so befuddled now at times without her intelligent, reasoning input to my personal daily issues, work and away. I also know exactly what you feel about seeing couples together. Boy did I take it for granted to have a person that wanted so badly to hold my hand when out and about. If I didn't hold her hand, she'd sure get punchy with me!! Any ways, we have very much in common here. I too have moments out of the clear blue sky, all is ok, then it's like being hit by a freight train, here it comes, the overwheming wave crashes over. man oh man, it is just hard. I guess we'll pull through, right?

I'm here for you if you need me!

Mark

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Beth,

First of all a BIG congratulations on your promotion!!! Way to go! I do not know your pain nor feel your loss, BUT I have MUCH compassion for you during this most difficult time of transition in your life. I saw your pic from Jamie's Playing for a Cure...............you are beautiful! I knew that before from your avatar, but the one from the fund raiser really lets us see your radiance.

I am sorry Bill is gone. There are MANY of us here who would be more than willing to answer your call. I have been known to do that on more than one occasion for folks I know. I just hope you know that we hold you close, Beth. We are walking this walk along side you..............offering help where we can.

XOXOXO,

Kasey

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Beth,

Congratulations for the promotion !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, you will face a lot of people that will say the same but it would heve been so perfect to

get those congratulations at the right time in

the right place.

Bill was watching and smiling knowing your

were taking those hard first steps into the

new normal.

Have a good Monday.

Love

Jackie

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Congratulations on your promotion Beth, this is wonderful!

I can empathise with you, I have often often wanted to share something with my Dave, my Dearest friend, and I miss him so terribly when that happens.

Today I went to church and was looking forward to seeing my daughter and her family there. They were'nt there however, so I sat in a pew by myself . In front of me was a tall man with his wife. At one time she put her arm around his shoulder and rubbed his back and I lost it right there and then. I didn't know whether to leave or not, but I just pulled myself together and got through it. Sundays are just the loneliest times I think and seeing all those people with their significant others puts me in a melancholy mood for the rest of the day.

My Thoughts are with you Beth, you are not alone,

Paddy

Paddy.

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