so much

[lilyjohn]

A week from today I will be heading home. It will be hard to leave my family but I am ready to go home. This has been an emotional rollercoaster from the minute I learned of Denis' death.

I look back on my life and have so many regrets but how do you reconcile them? I'm tired of even trying. I never wanted to look forward after Johnny died but now I am drained from looking backwards. I regret the time that Johnny and I missed but how can I regret my life, my children and grandchildren? I regret that things went so badly between Denis and I. I regret that we could never make eachothter happy but if we had I would have missed the five happiest months of my life. So now I want to get back to just living one day at a time. I don't want to look back and I just can't look forward to a decison that someday I will have to make. I need time just to be and not have to think or make any decisions.

My children are still reeling from Denis death. There is just so much they have to handle. The things in the house and the house itself all have to be taken care of. I watch and I don't think anyone realizes just how hard it is for me to see my life being torn apart. Usually when a person dies the family has to deal with their things but they are both gone. I am watching everything that we accumulated over the years be devided. To them many of those things are sentimental but most are just things. To me they are what I poured my life into for over 40 years.

As long as Denis was alive I knew that those things were where they belonged. They were taken care of and I was alright with that. Now I watch as they decide what to do with simple things like dishes and bath towels and it just throws me. Am I nuts for feeling this way?

My daughter has decided to take the camper. I'm glad they will have it but it was not an easy decision for them to make. Unlike my other two children they never really got into camping. All the time deciding it seemed like a problem to all of them but that camper had been my dream. When we were gone from here on one of our trips was the only time that Denis and I really got along. There was never any arguments or anger. I fould myself planning more and more trips just so we could have that peace and sharing. How can even my children understand what an emotional impact it has on me watching as all of my dreams and all of my work are being devided and torn apart?

Sunday was a special but unusual day. It gave me something but at the same time it really took an emotional toll. Several years ago a very special person was lost to us. He was married to my daughter in laws sister. He was family. Denis and I would go fishing with him and he and I would exchange Hybiscis cuttings. He was injured in an accident off shore. He lived for 2 years unable to move more that his head and eyes. So much of his brain was missing that he couldn't communicate. Everyone saw him as gone from the time of the injury but I couldn't let go. I would go 2 or 3 times a week to see him in New Orleans. Denis would drive me but he had given up on Harry the first day. I just couldn't. I would talk to him as if he understood everything I said. Sometimes he would start to cry and sob and I felt like he was in there somewhere and so glad to know that I still knew that. His death left a big hole in all of our lives.

Sunday Harry's son got married. I went to the wedding. He has a twin brother who was never that much like him but now! He has grown to look and talk exactly like Harry. He was so sweet to me and I just couldn't get enough of hearing him and watching him because for those few minutes it was like having Harry back again. I appologized to him for my tears but he said he understood becaue it happens a lot. We shared stories about Harry and it was so good but God how my heart ached.

I came back here for my kids and grandchildren and for Denis. There were so many bad memories but there are also good ones. I am so hurt by his death and I am so angry at him because now that he is gone it is so easy to see that he knew something was wrong. He was waiting until after Mardi Gras to get a good check up. He robbed my grandchildren of their Paw Paw. He broke their hearts and that breaks mine. I can't even let myself think about how afraid he must have been. How could I have loved two men in such a diffent way? Denis and I never made eachother happy but you can't share all that we did without some kind of love. Johnny and I had so little time together but he was my real love. The one I shared my heart and soul with in a way that I never could with Denis.

I don't know how or if I will ever reconcile all of these feelings. I just know that for now I have to get back to my home and my job and try to just live for now and let it all go or it will drive me out of my mind. It will just be so hard to leave my family because for them this is their first real lesson in the harsh realities of life.

Sorry if this is really not appropriate for this board but I have no one else to share all of this with. You have all be so kind and understanding that I feel like I can come here to unburden some of my hurts. I don't know what I would have done without all of you and this board. I thank God for you everyday.

[Dreamweaver]

I am nee here, but wanted to jump in and meet you when I read your post. I can understand to some extent your watching as the things were being divided up. I lost Keith last November.. But Keith and I weren't married. I was supposed to meet his brother at Keiths house to go through some things. I left Hayes a note as to what items I would like to have. Keiths somo was Ok with that. When I got back to Keiths house Hayes had given everything away. the beloved piano that Keith and I played together, the guitar Keith used to play for me, so many little things that had so much sentimental value to them.

I had to learn to let go. To try and realize those were just things, but I had my memories and they are so much more precious than the things I had to give up.

I'm learning that the best way to get by is to take life one day at a time.. sometimes one minute at a time. It's hard, people tend to define when we should be "over it". etc. They don't realize that grief has its own time table and that we have to take whatever time it takes for us to grieve and let go.

You are in my thoughts and prayers as you work your way through so much emotional turmoil.

** hugs **

Melanie

A week from today I will be heading home. It will be hard to leave my family but I am ready to go home. This has been an emotional rollercoaster from the minute I learned of Denis' death.

I look back on my life and have so many regrets but how do you reconcile them? I'm tired of even trying. I never wanted to look forward after Johnny died but now I am drained from looking backwards. I regret the time that Johnny and I missed but how can I regret my life, my children and grandchildren? I regret that things went so badly between Denis and I. I regret that we could never make eachothter happy but if we had I would have missed the five happiest months of my life. So now I want to get back to just living one day at a time. I don't want to look back and I just can't look forward to a decison that someday I will have to make. I need time just to be and not have to think or make any decisions.

My children are still reeling from Denis death. There is just so much they have to handle. The things in the house and the house itself all have to be taken care of. I watch and I don't think anyone realizes just how hard it is for me to see my life being torn apart. Usually when a person dies the family has to deal with their things but they are both gone. I am watching everything that we accumulated over the years be devided. To them many of those things are sentimental but most are just things. To me they are what I poured my life into for over 40 years.

As long as Denis was alive I knew that those things were where they belonged. They were taken care of and I was alright with that. Now I watch as they decide what to do with simple things like dishes and bath towels and it just throws me. Am I nuts for feeling this way?

My daughter has decided to take the camper. I'm glad they will have it but it was not an easy decision for them to make. Unlike my other two children they never really got into camping. All the time deciding it seemed like a problem to all of them but that camper had been my dream. When we were gone from here on one of our trips was the only time that Denis and I really got along. There was never any arguments or anger. I fould myself planning more and more trips just so we could have that peace and sharing. How can even my children understand what an emotional impact it has on me watching as all of my dreams and all of my work are being devided and torn apart?

Sunday was a special but unusual day. It gave me something but at the same time it really took an emotional toll. Several years ago a very special person was lost to us. He was married to my daughter in laws sister. He was family. Denis and I would go fishing with him and he and I would exchange Hybiscis cuttings. He was injured in an accident off shore. He lived for 2 years unable to move more that his head and eyes. So much of his brain was missing that he couldn't communicate. Everyone saw him as gone from the time of the injury but I couldn't let go. I would go 2 or 3 times a week to see him in New Orleans. Denis would drive me but he had given up on Harry the first day. I just couldn't. I would talk to him as if he understood everything I said. Sometimes he would start to cry and sob and I felt like he was in there somewhere and so glad to know that I still knew that. His death left a big hole in all of our lives.

Sunday Harry's son got married. I went to the wedding. He has a twin brother who was never that much like him but now! He has grown to look and talk exactly like Harry. He was so sweet to me and I just couldn't get enough of hearing him and watching him because for those few minutes it was like having Harry back again. I appologized to him for my tears but he said he understood becaue it happens a lot. We shared stories about Harry and it was so good but God how my heart ached.

I came back here for my kids and grandchildren and for Denis. There were so many bad memories but there are also good ones. I am so hurt by his death and I am so angry at him because now that he is gone it is so easy to see that he knew something was wrong. He was waiting until after Mardi Gras to get a good check up. He robbed my grandchildren of their Paw Paw. He broke their hearts and that breaks mine. I can't even let myself think about how afraid he must have been. How could I have loved two men in such a diffent way? Denis and I never made eachother happy but you can't share all that we did without some kind of love. Johnny and I had so little time together but he was my real love. The one I shared my heart and soul with in a way that I never could with Denis.

I don't know how or if I will ever reconcile all of these feelings. I just know that for now I have to get back to my home and my job and try to just live for now and let it all go or it will drive me out of my mind. It will just be so hard to leave my family because for them this is their first real lesson in the harsh realities of life.

Sorry if this is really not appropriate for this board but I have no one else to share all of this with. You have all be so kind and understanding that I feel like I can come here to unburden some of my hurts. I don't know what I would have done without all of you and this board. I thank God for you everyday.

[RandyW]

I Understand But know that things will get better. I lost Deb 2 monthsago today and the only things I have been able toget rid of were her toiletries. I still have very single pair of socks and everything else she wore including Lingerie. Life will go on when I am ready to get rid of thos ethings but not everything will go. Post here anytime. I check in at least once a day. Am also alone now but still have Debs Faithfull Pup Daisy with me for company. We are doing OK and We know that you also will be ok.