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Dreamweaver

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I am new to this forum. Nov. 14th I lost the love of my life. Keith ran an online support group called Living With Cancer. I have since taken over the group - trying to keep it alive as well as keeping his memories alive.. The thing with running his group is I always feel as if I need to hold the others up.. so many people are missing him. And so I try to keep positive there and all. When inside I often feel I am dying a slow death without Keith here. We weren't married, I only met him 5 years ago through the Delphi community. (long story). He lived 370 miles away so I made that journey every month since he was homebound and unable to travel.

Here is a poem I recently wrote to him..

How is it that time slipped away from us?

Wasn't it yesterday we were laughing together?

Life was so much simpler then, living with no fuss.

My fantasy world believed that it would last forever.

I closed my heart to the possibility of you going away.

Living is such a struggle without you here.

I'd give the world to have you back one more day.

For some reason, though, God must need you near.

There's so much I need to say, so much to tell you.

Like how much I love you, you are my heart!

To tell you how I appreciate all you taught me, too.

You helped me find a part of me, giving me a new start.

My heart was full but my spiritual side was lacking

So, in essence I was empty until you showed the way.

There's so much else I learned from being with you, darling.

With you I found joy, happiness. I found love every day.

But without you here, it's lost. Everything is empty.

Every day I put on a smile and tell everyone I'm alright.

But it's not true, if they looked in my eyes they'd see.

That just to get up some days is a tremendous fight.

I think when you left, a part of me also died.

I'm not sure who I am anymore, or what I need to do.

Letting go isn't easy, so many times I have tried.

People say your spirits with me, perhaps that's true.

You'll always be a part of me, that will never change.

Yet somehow I must find the strength to once again see.

That this life of mine I need to try and rearrange.

To learn to live in this moment, to learn to simply be.

I know that's what you would want, you tried to help me see.

Life was just a part of your journey, death just another phase.

You lived so long in pain, you longed to be painfree.

Wait for me, my love. I'll be joining you one day.

My time isn't here yet. I know you tried to make me understand.

That I have so much living yet to do before I can go home.

And even though I can't see you, you are still holding my hand.

By my side you will be, no matter where I may roam.

When I remember that, it helps to lift my sorrows.

Not a day goes by though, that I wish I had some clue.

As to how to face today, and all of my tomorrows.

Because, to be honest dammit - I'm still missing you!

~~ Dreamweaver ~~

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Please accept my deepest condolences on your loss of Keith. It is so very painful to lose the ones we love. By the way, your poem is beautiful and heartfelt. I am sorry you had to find this site at all, but am glad you did. You will find many great people here who truly provide much needed support. It is always amazing to me that people who are going through so much themselves always find time to lift up others when they are down. Please stay with us and let us provide support however we can. :)

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I have since taken over the group - trying to keep it alive as well as keeping his memories alive.. The thing with running his group is I always feel as if I need to hold the others up.. so many people are missing him.

I can really relate to what you wrote above. We are here for you. Let us "hold you up" for a while.

Hugs,

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Thank you so much Bronwen. I not only run Keiths forum but I have a forum for people living with chronic pain. (I am a Fibromyalgia survivor.. ) That's how Keith and I met. Our forums were in the same community (Delphi). I love taking care of the forums, but it's so h ard to not have a place for me to be true to my own feelings. I don't want to burden those who knew and loved Keith so much. They have their own griefs to bear.

I've promoted this site to them as well.. So it wouldn't surprise me if a few of them dropped in to some of the forums here.

Thank you so much for your welcome... it's good to know there is a place I can go to talk about Keith and share my grief with others who truly understand.

Melanie

Please accept my deepest condolences on your loss of Keith. It is so very painful to lose the ones we love. By the way, your poem is beautiful and heartfelt. I am sorry you had to find this site at all, but am glad you did. You will find many great people here who truly provide much needed support. It is always amazing to me that people who are going through so much themselves always find time to lift up others when they are down. Please stay with us and let us provide support however we can. :)
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Thank you so much Katie. Some days are just harder than others. I will sit here knowing what I need to do - but I can't seem to get my work done because my thoughts keep drifting back to Keith. Sometimes I miss him so much I will pick up my phone to call and hear his voice, then I remember he isn't there anymore. I haven't been able to delete his number from my cell phone - it's hard letting go. It's funny how sometimes the littlest things are the hardest. Last week I had to have his forum transferred to my name since his membership had expired. It was the hardest thing I have had to do since he passed away. yet it seems like such a little thing, and you feel like such a wimp when you make such a huge deal of it. *smile*

Thank you so much, for understanding my need to be somewhere other than his forum when I need to talk of the grief. I just feel like I can't burden all of them with this grief, as they are all trying to find their own ways to cope with Keith not being there.

** hugs **

Melanie

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