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Learning and leaving


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Tomorrow I will be leaving here and heading home. It has been a rough 5 weeks and yet it has it some ways helped me to move forward. In trying to help my children and grandchildren deal with their loss and grief I have learned a lot about what I need to know to move forward myself.

My oldest grandson feels like if he is happy in any way it will be a betrayal of his love for his Paw Paw. I know that feeling only too well. I told him that he will grieve and needs to do that but that he can not let his life become solely about grief. A lesson that I didn't learn myself until now. When we allow that to happen to us we are really betraying the person that we love who has gone as well as ourselves.

There is still a lot of things that have to be done to settle the things that Denis left behind for them and a lot of the things that come from both of us. It will be a very long process and not easy but in time they will manage and I will help in any way that I can.

For now I have to get home and start making a living again. I will be comming back here for Christmas and later for good. I'm not sure when that will be. I still have to make a living and the work I do pays only half as much here as it does in California. I just know that I want to be with my family more and that trip is getting harder and harder for me to make.

When I do eventually return it will be for good with maybe a few more trips to visit California and my family there and friends that I have made. Then somehow I will find a way to merge two lives into one. I'm still not sure how I will do that but I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. There is no going back. I have learned that like it or not I have to accept the cards that fate has dealt me and move on from there. I can not change the past but I can be thankfull for what I did have and try to put the regrets of what I didn't to rest.

I am glad that I chose to return by train. It may be slow traveling but I need that transition time from here to there. I also need to get back to work not only to make a living but because I need the routine. For a while I need to just be instead of think or try to make decisions that I am still not ready to make.

I have often questioned why I have always been the one to make sacrafices. I'm not sure that I will ever really understand that but there is still one more that I need to make for my family. It won't be easy but what in life is?

Before I come back here there is one more trip that I know I will need to make. I have to go back to Washington. At least for a few days I have to be where Johnny and I shared our time. Maybe then I will really feel like I have had a chance to say goodby to him. Not really goodby but until we meet again. That I believe more than ever.

Thank everyone for your support and for all of the PMs that I have gotten. I wish I had the time to answer them all individually but I just don't. Today will be a day for all of the family to be together for a big crawfish boil. Most I will say goodby to until I return again for Christmas. I am so grateful for all of you here.

I have learned a lot about grief in the past 32 years and more in the past 5 years than I ever wanted to know. If there is anyone who thinks that I can help them in anyway please PM me. My role here will be to try to return some of the love and support that I have recieved.

To any of you who are just starting out alone for the first time please know that my heart is with you. I feel your pain. You should also know that as raw as you are now will not stay that way forever. Grief is an on going thing. It lasts a life time but like the stages that do not come in order always the intensity of grief does not either. Just try to keep in mind that the person you love is not gone. A part of them will always be alive because the love you have for them will always remain. Love is the strongest power there is. Keeping it alive keeps our loved ones always close. God Bless you all and bring you peace. Lillian

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Lillian That was so touching to read. I understand all of your thoughts and hope you will be around occasionally or whenever you want to be. I am here for everybody even though Deb is gone and I hope I can Help someone and you will to. Thanks, Many prayers.

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I know leaving your family will be hard, but you are only leaving their vision not leaving all together. I'm sure you will always be available for them via the phone, e-mail, letters, and even the occassional visit. You may be traveling back home, but your heart will always connect you to all those you love.

I pray you have a safe trip.


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