KatieB Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 I haven't posted about my grief in a really long time. I feel like I am still grieving, everyday. Sometimes it's just a moment where I am reminded of something, othertimes I am overwhelmed for an entire day or two or more. I don't think I'll ever get over it, but I know I am walking thru it, at my own pace, what's comfortable for me. I can tell you that he is a part of everything I do, and some part of every one of my days. On our vacation, my son was on the beach building sandcastles. He carved a boat in the sand and called me over to him. He said.."Look mom! I made a boat for grandpa like the one he made me! Think he can see it? (I told him of course) and he looked up to the sky and yelled- "Hey grandpa! You like this boat?" and cracked a grin which revealled his one dimple on his left cheek. (happens to look just like his grandpa's grin- and the same dimple on the left side) There have been some posts in this forum about guilt and regret. Although I don't have any emotional regrets when it comes to my relationship with my dad...boy do I have some guilt..... With all my research and knowledge and contacts...I couldn't "save" him. I should have insisted he get the PAC when he first started treatments to save him from those blown veins and black and blue arms....the vision of his pain and suffering each time blood was drawn or chemo was given- still haunt me. He was 119 pounds and his arms were the size of my wrists for about 4 months- I won't describe the dreams I've had about his arms and those needles.... I should have insisted on a bone scan regularly. (With his dx., many doctors just wait until there are symptoms- then it usually is too late.) His cancer has metastacized throughtout his skeletal system by the time he had the bone scan. I should have enrolled him in clinical trials. I should have done more.... It took me a long time to realize that we ALL feel this way in some form or another. Whether it is guilt or anger in reflection of their illness, the medical care they received, or the way our loved one died. It's normal. And I'm ok. I know that, although I know so much more about this disease now, there was no way I could have done more at the time. I couldn't stop what was happening to him- no more than I could have stopped a speeding truck with my two hands from the immenent. And for those of you who have guilt over your loved ones death....please try to remember... They wouldn't want you to carry that in your heart. I personally have to believe that I will see him again...that he is where he is meant to be and one day, we're all going to be together again. It's not easy at all- but I honor him and his memory in how I live everyday. I am praying for all of you who are grieving to find peace. My heart hurts when I read your posts. I truely do understand, I've been there or been close...and I am here for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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