lisaRN Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 I have to say thank you to the many responses I received from my last post (although only two remain, not sure where the rest went off to ). It did help me so much to have that support from all of you.... As you can tell, I am not very good at this.... For the most part I have stayed away from EVERTHING cancer this whole past year.... maybe i feel like if i dont have to read about it or hear about it i wont have to deal with it and it will all just go away, as if it never existed... the problem with my theory, is that there is still this huge hole, a void in my life, one that cannot be replaced and one that CANNOT be DENIED.... i wouldn't say that i am depressed, certainly not to any capacity that is prohibiting me from functioning.... our days are so jam packed that i think that is what has gotten me by until now.... the day i posted re: the terms of endearment film was sort of like the straw that broke the camel's back.... i was so lost that day.... unusually so..... in the past i would have found comfort in my husband from situations like that.... (somebody should invent cell phone service to heaven ) ..... it really did help to come back here.... everyone is so wonderful my son is amazing, it's true.... you couldn't tell that i am his #1 fan, could you ........... in addition to his own abilities, I have seen an incredible transformation in him this past year.... the first thing he said to me after his father passed (while we were on our way home from the hospital) was "Don't worry mommy, I know I can never replace Baba, but I am going to take you of you forever" it broke my heart to hear him say that, in spite of my immense pride in having a son who cared so much and was so in tune with his family, i hated the fact that he HAD to say it..... i hated the fact that he was 14 yrs old and HAD to deal with any of this.... as much as i continue to try to keep him focused on being a teenager and not a grown up.... yet....... he matures with leaps and bounds..... i wonder sometimes if his father would recognize him..... he would be so proud though... that said, we are not without the moments that when things get increasingly difficult or the pressures from school mount, etc... that he doesn't turn to me and literally start crying saying "why did baba have to die.... nothing is the same anymore..... YOU'RE not the same anymore...." sometimes i just dont know what to say ( an odd feeling for someone who never stops talking ) it breaks my heart to see him going through this.... in spite of the fact that Ahmed had started teaching him how to drive during the summer we were diagnosed, Tariq has resisted getting his permit since he turned 15 and never takes me up on my offers to let him drive in an empty parking lot or back the car out of the driveway.... i dont push him though, because i do feel as though it is part of the process.... maybe it is something he felt he shared with his father and doesnt want to let go of that.... i worry about him.... he talks to me a lot.... but i worry that he might hold back too.... this is truly a long hard process and unfortuantely you can't buy a "grief kit" to make it any easier..... or an "eraser kit" to make it all go away..... thank you again for your support.... everyone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 Lisa, I smile every time I see your blue bear. Glad you posted. You know you can come here any time you need to. Your son is quite a guy and he has quite a mom. The pain will go on, but it will diminish some. My blessings to you and your boy. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted March 28, 2006 Share Posted March 28, 2006 Hear hear Don. Come by anytime, we are always here to listen or read as the case may be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenl Posted March 29, 2006 Share Posted March 29, 2006 Hi Lisa I was so glad to see your posts a few weeks back, and I'm pleased that you are staying around! (By the way, if you are looking for the other responses you received, your post was put up in duplicate for some reason, and if you look a little bit further down the list in this forum, you will find the other post and its responses ) My very best wishes to you and your son as you continue on this path..... Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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