Frank Lamb Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Response to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom: Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around -- just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall (because all the urinals are being used), take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she goes to the toilet one more time at night and either sits on a pee-soaked toilet seat, or falls right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she's going to kill me in my sleep. Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem and you ladies need to be more understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood." Most mornings we guys wake up with two things: a tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim. Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the stupid toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to achieve that perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her, "Look, it won't bend." She said, "Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood." Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage to do it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position by simply laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature... there wouldn't have been a problem!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 where do you get thisstuff? I always read your jokes for a good hysterical LAUGH!!!!! THANKS FRANK I knnow what you are talking about Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Frank, I am reading this in work and everyone is wondering why I am laughing hysterically. You are our gem, dear Frank. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvmydog2 Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Frank this is the best one yet. Ladies you might as well hang it up for this month. Us guys have it hands down. Now I know you will try to top it so come on send them in. This should be interesting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 Well, I just about wet my pants laughing. But, then, I am a man. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eppie Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 Again, I will never understand how you guys walk around with those things in your pants. ':D' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geri Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 Ladies...........have you noticed that although this is hilarious it's just another example of man's preoccupation with what he has in his pants!!!!!!!!!!! Good one Frank. Geri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 Frank...this one takes the cake....or should I say donuts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindi o'h Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 Honestly Frank, and all the rest of you yo-yo's ...I just cannot believe that you are buying into this shi_ of how difficult it is for a man to urinate!! I am madder'n hell. Call it penis-envy, if you want. It just bothers me. I have been having to sit on wet seats and falling in my whole life and now I am supposed to feel sorry for the guys cuz they can't aim and control this thingy that they can stand and just whip out of their pants and go anywhere they want including running around to the back side of a pick up truck with absolutely no worries that they will get caught with their butt hanging out???? Or shined by a cop coming by? Or wonder where the tp is to wipe??? Honestly! I am fed up. Friggin' whiners! Where is your gratitude? And your apologies to us girls. Bastards! love, Cindi o'h Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindi o'h Posted November 22, 2006 Share Posted November 22, 2006 bump for the potty jokes, Frank. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen, Daddy's girl Posted November 23, 2006 Share Posted November 23, 2006 Are you complaining? I am the only one in this household not burdened with a "Y" chomosome. I am either the queen ... or the only one who knows how the retreive food from a location further back than the door of the refridgerator. I like to close the bathroom door. I'd really like it if I could close the bathroom door and not have children and dogs on the floor outside whining. If you pee on something and can't (won't) wash it, please tell me so I can wash it. Don't wait 'til I find out with my bare feet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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