I'm losing my grip (really long and depressing)

[Carleen]

So many times in the past 3 years, people have had reason to tell me that "God has a plan" for me.

But right now, I can't for the life of me imagine what it could be. In my best imagination, I can't come up with a good outcome to any plan for my life in the current path it is taking.

Most of you know that Keith and I really want to have a child together so very very much. We looked into adoption and were told they will never consider us because of the cancer. Our only other option was IVF. I just finished the process, and did wind up pregnant. But, as of yesterday, at about 2 weeks pregnant I lost the baby/babies. There were no extra embryos to freeze, and there are no more funds to try again.

What hurts my heart the most is not so much the loss of the child (which hurts), but the complete loss of hope that there will every be a child. It is like a light went out in my heart. It is now over, and I need to accept I will never be a mom.

Additionally, for the past 3 months I have been waiting patiently to hear from one of Keith's specialists whether or not he would be accepted into a clinical trial specifically for his cancer type. I have built such high hopes for his trial. The only one I know of for his type. It was also the only untried treatment option that our onc could still hold onto hope for. But, today I talked to the specialist, and Keith's uptake of octreotide was not strong enough and he was denied. Now I don't know what we are going to try next. I don't know if there even is something to try next, but I'm not ready to give up. It is just like a second ray of hope being extinguished from my life and heart. My heart is growing dim.

Tomorrow Keith gets his results from his thoracic cavity CT scan. For the past 2-3 weeks, he's been in A LOT of pain, he has a new stabbing stomach pain that is almost unbearable that was never there before. He is just so extremely exhausted. He has a lot of pain in his shoulder due to a large lymph node tumor that is additionally causing his whole arm to be numb and on pins and needles. He feels miserable. Seeing him suffer so is killing me.

I am so afraid to go to get the results tomorrow. I don't know if I can take it if the news isn't good. I mean, how much negative news can one person take in one week without just shutting down? I just know I'm not strong enough. It's just too much.

People keep telling me that I am so strong, I am so brave, I have so much inner strength. But they are wrong. All I want is to curl up in a ball like a child and have my mommy make it all better. But I know she can't. I wake up in the morning and I honestly doubt I can make it, I don't want to do this anymore. I feel like I am losing my mind from the grief and fear.

I'm a mess and I'm barely functioning. I'm forgetting everything, can't keep up with chores, paying bills, I haven't cleaned the house in weeks, I haven't even done my taxes yet and I'm an accountant. I've been late every day to work because I can't force myself to get up because I just don't want to face what today has in store for me. All I think about all day every day is Keith, and I count the minutes until I can be next to him. When I'm next to him, I just want to be closer to him. I can't sleep because I can't close my eyes and lose him from my sight. I only sleep about 3 hours a night, and that is with sleeping pills. I'm already on anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety drug and I'm just obsessing.

I've believed so hard in the word of God, in Mark 11:24 "Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them."

I have prayed. I have faith in God's power and desire to give. I've remained positive and honestly have believed my prayers were granted. And yet, my prayers keep going unanswered. So, if I believe in the word of God as it is in this verse, then is the failure of my IVF, and the failure of Keith to be healed my fault? Have I not believed enough? Have I not had enough faith? Because there can be no other cause. What am I doing wrong? What more can I do? I am trying to believe as hard as I can, with all my heart. I know I am not worthy and have done nothing to deserve God's miracle. But God loves me regardless of my sin and my worth and he gives blessings to move mountains for those who have done nothing more to deserve it than have faith. I want to move a mountain. I just want a cure for my Keith.

He is EVERYTHING and ALL I care about in this life. I can devise no other plan for life that does not include him and his child that is tolerable.

I am hanging on the precipice of insanity with only one lone fingernail keeping me from going over. I pray that tomorrow bring some good news. I am asking with my heart open and raw for the love and prayers of my friends here, to please keep up the prayers for good news tomorrow. I just so need it. Keith needs it so much too. I just can't take any more.

I'm sorry for once again whining and breaking down and looking for help. I'm sorry for possibly diminishing the hope of those here that are new to this and don't want to see others struggling. I'm sorry but I just have no where else to say these things.

Thank you.

[tess]

Carleen,

I felt your pain so much after reading your post. I know its so hard to understand God's plan for Keith and for you. I lost my husband almost two years ago, and I still miss him so much. Sometimes, I wonder how I go on, but I do. I also lost my sister (breast cancer) two years before I lost my husband, then last year, I lost my mom to lung cancer too. I took care of all three of them in my house with the help of hospice. If someone told me I would be caretaker to these sick and dying people, I would not have believed them! I never in my life thought I could do this, but when it comes down to it actually happening, I did take care of them because they wanted me to. I knew this is what God wanted me to do for them. I also felt so honored that they chose me to take care of them in their last days. Yes, it was hard, but I also know that I helped them pass from this life as we know it, to another that we are not in yet, but I had the faith to help them leave here with knowing they were going to a better place, without pain and sorrow. We know that people here on earth with cancer have more pain and sorrow than we can imagine. Just watching them in the end, is so hard to do. I just give God the credit for helping me be strong for them.

Now that they are gone, my life has changed so much. I get lonely and cry sometimes for them, but I also know that they are better off now than I am here. I have to go on in this life and make the best of it until that time that God wants to take me home. I am so looking forward to that time so that I can be with my sister, my loving husband and my mother. I know that they are watching over me and I have faith that I will see them again someday, and that gives me the courage to keep living.

I just hope that you will remember that although we don't understand why things happen the way they do, that we know we can trust in God and that he knows our hearts and that someday we will be able to understand it, when we also get to heaven.

Sometimes we don't realize how strong we can be until things out of our control happen, but we will go on, with God's help and our faith, and we have to also trust God, that he will help us get through it. He will give you the strength you need.

These are my beliefs and I just wanted to share them with you because this is the only hope I have left of ever seeing my sister, husband and mom again. I couldn't ever imagine that this life is all there is. This can't be all there is, I will hang on to that as long as I live and until I pass unto the next life!

[Mskim]

I am so sorry you cannot have the simple gift you yearn for that so many of us take for granted. It is impossible to know what plan he has for us and why the path feels so cruel and painful, it rarely makes any sense. I certainly cannot begin to understand.

You are tired of being strong but I can tell from your eloquent words, that your heart and your faith will drive you to get up and put your feet on the floor every morning for as long as you have to.

Words really are pointless when trying to express how much my heart goes out to you.

I am praying for a miracle tonight, and I will hold you close in my thoughts as this day plays out and the words come that tell your future.

Kim

[dadstimeon]

Carleen--I'm so very sorry for everything you and Kieth are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with the both of you. Rich

[mamasbabygirl]

Carleen,

I am crushed right along with you. I am sorry you lost the babies. Cry girl, just cry. Seems like all you should be able to do. Let it out. Get into your car and scream as loud as you can. I am sure you this is your busy season, but can't you take intermittent FMLA for a little bit, just until you can grasp everythng you have been through? How is Keith handling this? I am so sorry he feels so rotten.

I try to believe that same Bible verse and boy do I pray, but sometimes I am left feeling unanswered. I guess we all do sometimes, but it is in those moments of complete despair that we supposedly come out better people.

I wish I could give you a big hug and just hold you dear. In lieu of, I will say a prayer that things become clear to you and Keith and that a full acceptance is had by you both. Love, hugs and prayers...

[jorja]

Carleen,

I am so sorry you are going through this. You and Keith are in my prayers daily.

love,

jorja

[RandyW]

Carleen, Write anytime and anything you want if it helps first of all. I did and it did help me. I feel 1/2 of your pain from experience of losing my wife the beginning of this year and I understand your fear of losing your husband KEITH. I can not think of any words to say that have not been said already. Your emotions and feelings are normal in this situation. If you did not feel like this you would not be human. YOU ARE!! REmember yesterday Cherish today and Pray for Tomorrow. THat is my mantra about dealing with this disease and has been for some time. This is the most compassionate group of people I ever encountered in this time of need. We are always here for You and Keith. I will be saying prayers for you and Keith. I don't know if there is anything I can do to recommend a clinical trial, but if you think of anything I'll Gladlyy try to help If I can. I hate this diseaese for all the same reasons as you do and If I can do anything from NC PM Me and will try to help.

[tatlyn]

Dear Carleen,

My heart is heavy for the pain you are feeling. Please never be sorry for bringing your hurts and frustrations here, this is a place of safety and comfort, God only knows how those of us who know of it could keep sane during times of despair and worry without it. Your post doesn't cause me to lose hope, it causes me to hope more and to pray more and feel blessed to share this space with such wonderful, strong and caring people.

When my Mom was in the hospital for the week before she died, I don't think I ever prayed so hard before in my life. When she died, I was crushed that my prayers for her hadn't been answered and I didn't pray for a long time afterwards. If you struggle to pray for yourself and for your Keith, know that you are loved here and we will pray for you.

Bless your heart. (((Carleen)))

Lynda

[ginnie]

i know how hard it is to be strong when your world is falling apart. all i can say is take each day as it comes and find joy in the little things. you are in my thoughts and prayers.

gin

[melindasue37]

((Carleen))

I'm so sorry to hear about all this pain you are going through and I'm praying so hard that you will get good news today.

I'm be thinking of you both today.

Warm Hugs,

Melinda

[wendo1974]

Carleen,

I don't know what to say. I am so sorry. I know the loss of IVF, I know it very well, but coupled with everything else you are going through, no, I cannot imagine, and there are no words sufficient enough.

I know there is a plan for you and Keith, and whatever it is, God will be right beside you. He loves you both so much and will never forsake you, EVER. When you think He is not there, He is ALWAYS. You and Keith are so loved. I am so sorry.

Wendy

[shelliemacs]

I am probably going to offend people with my post but its MY feelings.

I prayed so much. Oh wow did I pray when mom was sick. I said St. Jude's novena 11 times a day, every day and mom died anyway. I lost faith. I have yet to get it back. I did not pray as much when dad was sick because I didn't believe it would work. I only talked to mom and dad when my sister was sick. Never prayed to God. I had and still have no faith. I was raised Catholic and my mom would be so mad at me for these statements. But I think, why are all these people here suffering so much, yet you let murderers and rapist and child abusers and other evil in the world prosper.

I still don't know that answer. I like to think its their punishment to stay here and going ahead is the reward of all rewards.

I don't know how to tell you to go on. I learned it as I went along and I did not loose my spouse, but my mom and dad 9 1/2 months apart.

My cousin who lost her husband at 30 from cancer of the tounge 2 years ago is getting up every day, some days good, most just awake. She is involved with someone else though but its not the love she had for her husband. It never could be and never will be.

All i can say is somehow someway each minute will pass and as you take one 60 second session at a time and see how it goes.

one breath at a time, one second at a time. You don't feel strong, but you HAVE gotten this far.

my mom and dad are literally a breath away from me and thats how I have to think of it.

[KarHart]

Dear Carleen,

I am so sorry, I don't know why you and Keith are having to face so much pain and sorrow, especially at such a young age. I guess we just have to wait until it is our time to find out. I know that sometimes I just have a desparate need to be wherever Ken is now. The thought that that will happen someday is what I cling to now.

I understand how desperate you are feeling right now. I really believe it was harder on me than Ken when he finally said he was too tired to fight anymore. I had to accept that, but it just tore me up that we were just going to let go of hope, even though the options were extremely limited.

You sound so exhausted, I wish there was some way you could get some rest. You are going to need all your strength to help Keith. You have been in my thoughts and prayers, please let me know if there is anything I can do or tell you to help.

Karen H

[dchurchi]

Carleen,

You know you are safe here and this is exactly the place to let out the hurt and fear.

we will catch you in our arms and in our hearts, we will pray with you and for you.

I have had many a screaming match with God these past 14 months, I have been angry with Him.

That's ok, we are His children and children get mad at their parents.

I know some of what you are feeling. I spend every possible hour I can with Alan. I do not

see my friends as much as I could or should. I have given up many of my favorite activities

to be with Alan. If you need to take time off from work, it will always be there.

We are here for you, I just wish there was more I could do.

[Geri]

I'm so sorry for all your worries and pain.

I have no words of wisdom, just know that you've been heard and both you and Keith will be in my thoughts.

Geri

[michelepal]

(((Carleen)))

I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. Please know that I will keep you and Keith in my prayers. I'm not sure what God has planned for you and Keith but I'm sure he will carry you through this difficult time..Please know that you have tons of people here willing to do anything to help you..

I am going to go to Church and light a candle for both of you today..

Love to both of you!

Michele

[Ellen B.]

Carleen,

I'm so very sorry! I don't know what to say, I have no answers. I don't know why this is happening.

Praying for you and Keith,

Ellen.

[Patkid]

I hold out to you tons of love and whatever I can muster that will support you in some small way.

My whole body and mind and soul is sharing your pain.

I really care, Carleen, I really do.

Hold on

Love

Pat

[joanie55]

Carleen,

I just want to tell you it broke my heart reading your post and want you to know that I care very much. I don't want to get into a prayer or non-prayer debate, but hopefully everyone's thoughts, prayers, or whatever will help you in some way.

Joan

I just hate cancer

[Ann]

(((((Dear Sweet Carleen))))))))

I know your heart is breaking. So many losses and defeats in such a brief time span. For the longest time, I struggled with God's decision to take the love of my life from me. I just couldn't understand or accept how God could possibly need him more that I did. I had many "fights" with God. I couldn't believe He was the kind and loving God I had always believed him to be. People kept telling me that God has a reason for everything He does, even thought I may not understand, or even recognize them. Here I am, four years later, and I still don't understand what the plan was. I am sure there was one...just still struggling to know what it was.

Carleen...you may be so tired and heartbroken right now that you can't find the inner strength that we all know you have. Take some time to step back and regroup. You have suffered a tremendous loss this week. That is more than many can deal with and you have an ill husband in addition.

Ever since I read your first post on this board, I have had a special love in my heart for you. Your love for Keith has always been so strong and obvious. It reminds me of one star burning very brightly in the darkest of nights....for all to see and witness. Since that first post, I have always included you and Keith in almost every prayer my lips have uttered. Carleen, I know there are many others on this board that have the same love for you that I do. We will never desert you or cease from remembering you and Keith in our prayers.

[palves]

Oh Carleen I come on everyday looking for a message from you. Hoping so for some good news. I know that things look very dim from where you sit right now, but like someone said earlier, 1 sec, 1 min, 1 hr, 1 day at a time. Just one foot in front of another. I'm glad that you can feel like you can come here and share. We are all here for you and let us be your strength right now. Lean on us. Can you take some FMLA time so that you can spend time with Keith and so that you can try to find your path?

Paula

[dihen]

Carleen - there is not much more that I can add that others haven't so eloquently said, but I wanted to let you know that I am so sorry for all the struggles and pain that you and Keith have had to endure in such a short period of time. And all of what you are feeling is ok, let it all out, and then you will rise up again to meet the challenges.

Hold onto Him, and when you are weak, He will carry you!

Peace be with you,

Diane

[Patty]

(((Carleen & Keith)))

Don't know what to say other than I am so very sorry that you are going through this whole horrible ordeal. I really don't understand at all, why. Hopefully, there will be some understanding, peace, comfort, and strength for you very soon.

May God have some mercy, please.

Patty

[Alisa]

Carleen, I ached through every word you wrote. I just want you to know I am praying for you and Keith also.

As for IVF, I had my twins 16 years ago, and I wasn't covered by insurance. I just used up all my credit cards and cash advances and everything else. My husband (now ex-husband) was a student at the time and we had no money, but we had credit cards! I maxed out all my cards, because it took 4 in vitro's before it took. I am still paying off my credit cards, but that's OK. Anyway, I know you are so overwhelmed right now, but keep this in mind. When you are feeling better, maybe you can get back into the IVF saddle and worry about the debt later (I know this may not be the best advice, but I also know the reality of the IVF expense).

Love and hope,

Alisa

[Don M]

Carleen, I am sorry you and Keith are having such a hard time and that you lost your babies. I have yet to hear a satisfactory explanation of suffering and I certainly don’t understand it. One thing is obvious, is that suffering is visited on all of us to one degree or another. It is like rain, it gets everyone wet good or bad.

I believe in the power of prayer. When people pray for me, I feel comforted. There is power in just being comforted. At the very least, I hope and pray that you and Keith do a get a respite. There is no doubt that you deserve it.

I was raised a catholic. I don’t go to mass any more or take the sacraments. But I still have faith of a sort. I believe that no matter what we suffer or how messed up things seem to be, every thing is happening, as it should right here and now. I believe it, but I just don’t understand it. And, it seems like an odd thing to believe in light of all the horrible things that are going on in the world.

It helps me to cultivate a grateful heart. Of course it is somewhat easy for me, because I feel good. I have not experienced the ravages of lung cancer that others have, although I have it for the third time.

I can tell from your posts that you have a great capacity for love. Sometimes I think that those of us, who love the most, also suffer the most.

You have my continuing prayers and best wishes.

Don M