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I'm losing my grip (really long and depressing)


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oh Carleen,

Hush hush hush poor little thing.

My heart is aching with yours. Poor dear.

So much.

Too much.

Words cannot help, I fear.

Lexapro.

Sure helps me ...gets most of the edge off.

Then I can at least muddle through the rest.

Prayers for you and your dear Keith.

Cindi o'h

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Carleen,

Most people would not even be functioning enough to type, you are strong and under a lot of stress and also still have hormones flowing from the in-vitro :( I am so sorry about your loss, that cannot be easy.

I know they have programs now for embryo donation, but I am not sure how much that cost. I also heard of a friend of a friend in NY apply for a grant to cover in-vitro costs and was successful.

The adoption thing bothers me b/c single mothers can adopt so Kieth's cancer should not matter. Have you checked into International? I am not sure the requirements.

I wish I had the right thing to say :( Thinking of you lots

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Carleen:

You may want to try these websites:

www.inciid.org Go to the tab for "From The Heart Program" It is a grant program for a free IVF cycle. Also, google Cooper IVF Center, and they have a shared donor egg program. I have done that, and costs were very limited.

Also, just to touch on adoption, if you did a private adoption, they don't look at health issues like cancer. We have started on that process too, and its a lot different than an agency adoption.

Of course, when you feel better. I re-iterate what was said before, anybody who has been through what you are going through, IS AMAZING, even though you don't feel like it. And coming off hormones makes it 200x worse. Take care of you too.

You and Keith are in my prayers daily.

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My heart is aching for you and Keith.

Hold on to whatever faith you have left. It's during this time when we need him the most that he carry us.

Like Wendo said, you have to recognized those hormones kicking as well. They could swing those mood upsdie down, inside out.

God Bless you both.

Love,

Thomas & Malou

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Carleen,

Let me start by saying I am so saddened by your pregnancy loss. That alone is a load to bear. But the news of rejection of the clinical trial is just so, so heavy. My heart breaks for you.

My husband and I suffered infertility prior to adopting our precious daughters. I know the pain of loss of a biological child, though not the physical loss as I never conceived. Yet in all this pain and crying out to the Lord, I realized that I needed to change the way I was praying. Rather than ask for a miracle, I needed to request the peace, grace, and stregnth to accept whatever was in God's plan.

It really centered me. I felt so relieved to not carry around all the anger and hurt. And it continues to help me whenever I have awaited news of either my mom or dad's test results, because whatever information was in those results was an event (disease progression or remission) that had already occured and which I could not control. And I refuse to waste my energy on a futile effort of worry!

I don't know why these things happen to such good people. But I believe in the purification of the spirit that must occur before entrance into heaven, and perhaps this is their purification process (and part of yours, too) so that they may go directly to our Father's arms. Watching my dad go like a lamb to the slaughter as he endured all the indignities his melanoma imposed upon him, and yet bearing it all unquestioningly and without loss of faith is my comfirmation that surely he went straight to God.

So the suffering is not all for nothing. Jesus said, "You must take up your cross if you are to follow me" and we never know what crosses will appear in our lives, but we can ask for the lord to carry us in His tender embrace and bear us through.

May God bless and comfort you,

Suzie

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I read your post early this am before going to work and you and Keith have been on my mind all day..I wish I had words to comfort you, sweet Carleen. Please know that many prayers are being said for you both.

I wish so badly that I could give you a hug.

I am so glad you came here and shared what you are feeling...we are here for you today and every single day/hr/sec that you need us.

Libby

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Thank you everyone for your prayers and all the loving support.

I just got back from Keith's doctors appointment. And, the news is not good. The tumors in his liver have grown. The tumors in the lymph nodes surrounding the liver have grown. The lymph nodes in the mediastanum have grown. There are a couple of tumors in the right lung that have grown.

I thought that I was going to break down and just sob uncontrollably. But that didn't happen. I feel sort of numb all over and there was a wave of heat that washed over my face and body. I feel sick to my stomach like I'm going to hurl, but the tears just don't come. Maybe I'm empty. I've cried all the tears that are alotted for a lifetime. I have nothing left of hope to warm me. Life is just too hard, too painful, to full of ugliness and sickness.

I thank everyone for their prayers. I do find comfort in prayer, and I do find comfort knowing Keith is prayed for. I haven't lost my faith in God, but a big part of me is starting to believe that maybe it's just a problem with me. Maybe I shouldn't pray, because it seems like EVERYTHING I pray for the opposite happens. I don't believe I'm Job or anything. I just don't know what is going on. I've had faith that could move mountains, but still they don't budge.

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Carleen--

I know you are devastated. You just lost a child, that alone is hard enough without cancer in your life. You are close to breaking and you really need to get some help. You know you can't keep doing this alone, you're not doing yourself or Keith any good if you can't function. Please go talk to someone -- you need somewhere you can let this all out. You need someone to listen and take care of you. You can't keep going like this, you just can't.

I am so sorry the news was not good. I hope you both find a way to get through this. I don't know what to say except that I care about you both.

Rochelle

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geez, Carleen!

Of course you are numb. It is called shock.

I agree completely with Ry. You need to be taken care of....both of you. Today.

You cannot go on being the tower of strength. Will you put yourself in a leaning mode?

love to both of you, dear ones.

We all love you.

Cindi o'h

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Carleen,

I am just sick reading this. Please, if there's something I can do, let me know. I am not far away, I would love to meet up with you just to talk if you are up for it, and I can come and help you clean or go out to take you mind off of things if only for a few hours. Anything...anything at all. If you need errands run and can't find the time or just don't feel like doing them, I can. I feel so helpless, I wish I could do so much more. I so wish I could help you achieve your dream of having a baby, good news to brighten these dark times. I know so very well the urge to have a child. I used to walk around my empty house screaming, crying, with each failed cycle.

I do know of some resources where you can get cycles discounted or donated. I know it's probably not the first thing on your mind right now, it's just somewhere I thought maybe I could help. What I do wish is that I could donate them myself, as I told you in chat we have insurance coverage for IVF and I wish we could transfer our coverage to you! There just has to be a way. It just made my heart sink seeing you say that you'll never be a mom.

I am so very, very sorry that the news today was so sucky. God, am I ever sorry.

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Just saw that someone mentioned INCIID's "From the Heart" program. I don't believe they are donating any cycles right now, but just taking applications. You can contact Nancy, the site owner. The program is for couples who make a combined $50,000 or less per year.

There are clinics with shared risk programs, or some have a "three-shot" deal, where you pay a flat fee up front and if you don't take a live baby home after the third cycle you get a percentage refund. There is actually a clinic in Gurnee that offers a 100% refund--something I have not seen before. There are ways around the huge cost.

Anyway...I don't want to overpower your brain with info right now. If I see you in chat sometime we can talk.

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Oh Carleen Sweetheart.

I just don't know what to say.

I'am just as numb as you are.

Maybe we just need to stop praying for mircales.

Just praying to let God's Will be done.

I don't know what I'am talking about really,

I hate this freaking disease very much.

Love to you my dear.

Malou

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Dear Carleen,

My heart just aches for you and Keith. Life is just so heart breaking some times. I wish there was something I could do to help you and Keith. I know what it is like to pray and pray and not get your prayers answered. During my Dad's illness I prayed so hard day after day. Although the Lord did not answer my prayers the way I wanted him to, I do know that he answered them. I will pray for strength for you both.

God Bless,

Denise

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Oh Carlene,

I missed this post earlier, and my heart broke just reading the first post, now my heart aches with the new news of the tumors growing.

I don't know what to say to help. I'm just so incredibly sorry. Take a step back and a breath and do whatever it is you need to do.

I will not give up my hope for you and Keith. I won't stop praying.

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I've believed so hard in the word of God, in Mark 11:24 "Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them."

I have prayed. I have faith in God's power and desire to give. I've remained positive and honestly have believed my prayers were granted. And yet, my prayers keep going unanswered. So, if I believe in the word of God as it is in this verse, then is the failure of my IVF, and the failure of Keith to be healed my fault? Have I not believed enough? Have I not had enough faith? Because there can be no other cause. What am I doing wrong? What more can I do? I am trying to believe as hard as I can, with all my heart. I know I am not worthy and have done nothing to deserve God's miracle. But God loves me regardless of my sin and my worth and he gives blessings to move mountains for those who have done nothing more to deserve it than have faith . . .

Dear Carleen,

You are not doing anything wrong. You are doing and have done everything right. In Mark 11:24, Jesus didn't say when. If Jesus had wanted us to know when, He would have said "now" or "next week" or "while you are still living." My Don is healed - now! So, my prayer for him has been answered. He wasn't healed then, but he is healed now! Keith could still be healed now, but if he isn't, he will eventually be healed.

Carleen, God's plan is bigger than us and bigger than we can comprehend. The absolutely most profound and impactive thing I have ever heard on this website or anywhere are the four words "We are all terminal." Those words put lung cancer, accidental death, death of a child, death from any cause into perspective for me. And----I heard those words here long before Don was ever even close to death, yet they still gave me comfort because they put this whole thing of sickness and the possibility of death into perspective. Even Lazarus eventually died, and with your Bible knowledge, I'm sure you know that story!

Some day Keith will die - but not today! Some day you will die, too. Some day every single person that responded to you on this thread will die. In fact, the minister at Don's memorial service said that everyone in the room was dying and Don was the one that was living.

Any verse of the Bible must be considered with all the rest of the verses in the Bible. Jesus also said that in this world we would have tribulation. He also talked a lot about heaven (because he knew we were going to die and go there).

The problem, of course, is those of us who are left here to try to live and cope and keep breathing. You aren't left alone right now without Keith, yet you are suffering from what's called anticipatory grief which is exceedlingly painful. You MUST do what Ry said. You MUST get help!!! I did! When I was where you are right now, I sought counseling from a qualified Christian counselor/pastor who shared the same beliefs as me. You simply MUST take a couple of hours away from Keith, 2 or 3 times a week if necessary, and go talk to someone who knows how to help you through this.

Counseling will not only help you, but the counseling you receive will also help Keith because you will be different around him. If it is not meant for Keith to recover, it is imperative that he knows that you will be ok and that you will do whatever is necessary to remain ok.

Please, please, please PROMISE ME you will get some help! OK?

I care.

Love,

Peggy

P.S. And always remember this: There is always hope.

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Carleen,

I am new here, and am browsing, as my dad was recently diagnosed. I look at your pictures, read your words, and feel like I know you personally - wanting to do what I can from so very far away.

I pray for you today. I pray that God grants you peace in your heart. We never know the plans of God, but I can tell you that I believe with all my heart, that now is not the time to lose the faith. God is with you, and though this pain is unbelievable, your continued faith in him will give you peace.

God Bless, and kiss your husband and pray together.

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Carleen,

You may not want to hear this, but I do think you are brave.

You are so brave to share emotions that are so raw. Many of us try to hide ours away, and it is a terrible thing.

You are brave to love a man so much who is sick. There are many others who would have felt it to be too tough and split.

You are brave to continue believing in god, even if you can't understand what the heck is going on right now.

You are brave enough to try for this child. You are brave enough to find room in your heart for a child at this point in your life.

You are brave every day when you give the rest of us advice and strength.

Be brave enough to give yourself a break, and take care of yourself. We love you, and through you we love Keith, too. I'll keep the prayers going for you two. Your love and devotion are so amazing.

Being human doesn't mean you aren't brave.

:) Kelly

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