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26 days Help me process


adela

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It has been 26 days since my husband died. Yesterday I got a call from the ex-wife asking when the WILL is going to be read. She was told by my sister-in-law that my husband provided for his two children.

His 2 children are over 21.....one adult son lives 20 minutes away. He came at the minimum 30 to 60 minutes evey other week to visit his dying father. My husband so wanted to see his son, several times I mentioned to the son to come over and he said he didn't have time. He works and goes to school on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday afternoons. When my husband knew he was dying and wanted to go back to Seattle, I offered to pay for a airline ticket for his daughter to visit him. She refused and said she couldn't because she had to pay her mortgage. With clarity I told her your father is dying and you will not be able to see him again alive.

It was so hard for me to see him yearn so much to see his children.......the week before he died he would call out their names to come help him. I would comfort him as much as I could. Can the community help me process the anger I feel towards these adults. It is consuming me and I am not grieving for my husband. My therapist said anger is easier to grab hold of instead of grief. I want to process my anger and go to the grieving.

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Adela,

First of all please know how very sorry I am about the loss of your Husband. Secondly, forget about his kids they have to live the rest of there lives knowing that they didn't visit there Father on his Death bed. It breaks my heart knowing your Husband wanting to see them and they refused that's just down right selfish. Take care of #1 (you) :cry:

Michele

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They Do have to live the rest of their lives knowing that they did not make an effort to see their father before he passed away. It was not your fault by any means. Their loss not yours. You were ther efor your Husband when he needed you the most. That is the most important thing of all. I live 20 minutes and my sister lives 12 hours. she will drop 2 kids a job and her husband to be here when needed. You did all that you coulcd for your 2 kids. The guilt is on them not you by any means. Let the tears flow and you will feel better. Let the grieving begin and forget the Anger. These are my thoughts aboutwhat is going on. Will say a prayer for you tonite.

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You can't spend a minute thinking about them! You can only control what you do...and I am sure you were a loving wife then and still. Please, please do not worry about them. You just lost your husband....you deserve peace of mind and strength...not guilt or worry about someone else's actions.

I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there. I will include you in my prayers.

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Adela,

I am so so sorry to hear about your husband. His ex wife and her kids. Make me sick.

If he did provide for them, pay them off and be rid of them.

If he didn;t, I guess they will always wonder why...Right?

I say don't spent anymore energy on them. I am sure that he gave his best to you and your best was spent on him and he deserved all that love and more.

I hurt with you on this one, thoughtless people just never get it, do they?

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Just follow the will and be rid of them. They have to live with their actions and how they treated their dad. Let it go. I know its hard but try not to let them get to you. Take the high road as Ann Landers used to say.

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Your post caught my eye because I know where you are comming from. I've been there.

I watched night after night as my Johnny sat with the phone in his hand and tears in his eys waiting for a call from one of his kids. A call that seldom came. Sometimes he had good news to share and others he was just feeling low. He didn't want anything from them except a call a word of encouragement and support. Just to know that they were thinking about him, that they cared.

I was there for him. I would do anything for him still he needed them and they weren't there. I had to handle everything alone from the reaction to chemo to the panic and anxiety attacks I could do all of that but I couldn't make up for his kids not being there. I couldn't take their place.. I was exhaused but even more I was so damn angry. The one thing I couldn't do for him was make his kids show they cared and it made me so mad. Problem was that anger made me say things that looking back later I realized had to hurt him. That led to guilt and that guilt led to more anger.

When they finally did go to see him he was in the hospital and one of his son's made a decision that he had no information to base it on. That decision cost Johnny his life much sooner than he should have died. We were not married yet so I had no right to make that decision or to even know about it until it was too late. My anger was so great that it was destroying me. I couldn't let go of the anger and along with the grief it put me in a dangerous state of mind. I became very depressed.

I still kept in touch with his kids after his death. They were his kids and he loved them, because of that a part of me loved them too but the anger was tearing me apart. Then one day I started to realizee something. They didn't see that they had done anything wrong! That was just the way they were. Some people are more giving and some are so wrapped up in their own life that they don't give even to their own family. I think a lot of that is due to how they are raised. Usually a mother plays the largest part in raising children while the husband works. When divorced mothers often become bitter and say things to the children that drives a wedge between them and the father. There are so many reasons for them to behave the way that they do.

Slowly I let the anger go. It was only then that I could start helping myself. Your anger doesn't hurt them. It hurts you because they can't see how wrong they were. Sooner or later everyone gets old, sick or frightened. Sometimes they get all three of those things. I firmly believe the old saying that what goes around comes around. Someday they will be the ones reaching out to someone who will be too busy or just not care enough to be there in their time of need.

I still keep in touch with one of Johnny's sons. I know that they have started to realize how much they have lost. They have to live with what they did and didn't do. The more they miss him the more they will be haunted by those memories. As for me just like you I can say" I was there for him all the way to the end. I did everything for him and I gave him enough love to try to make up for some of what they never showed. Best of all he knew that. He understood".

Please let go of the anger. It will only hurt you and sooner or later they will see what they did and know how wrong it was.Lillian

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I can relate from a somewhat different perspective. When my stepdad was diagnosed with LC in 1999, his three grown children didn't come around any more often or treat him any differently than they had in the past (like cr@p). My mom, God bless her, went through H#LL with my stepdad, he was a real bear on chemo and took it out on her but she just kept saying, "It's the chemo talking, it won't always be like this." And, they talked about him getting a will drawn up but it never happened. And he was an accountant! He often told my mom that when he did get his will together the only children that would get anything would be his eldest daughter and myself. Of course, when he and my mom were married I was 18 so we never saw any reason to legally adopt me. So I wasn't his legal child.

When he died, his children acted like spoiled brats and claimed my mother was hiding money. My stepdad had HUGE credit card and medical debts. My mom had no idea HOW to hide money. There was nothing even to hide. They actually SUED my mother and this went on for a couple of years, until they finally settled out of court for $3000 apiece because they knew they were wrong. My mom was put through the wringer by these jerks. She was in poor health the way it was, just diagnosed with breast cancer 7 weeks after he died, and they did this to her. I will never EVER forgive them. The wake and funeral were a complete soap opera, too. My husband, my mom and I all went to the funeral home to make arrangements the day he died (notice his children did NOT come!) and they called me at the funeral home in the middle of us trying to write his obituary and started whining about different things--including that his ex-wife was coming and no one oculd stop her. And she did--she actually sat up in front and accepted condolences from people like a hypocrite after she extorted money from my FIL for years--grieving widow, my @ss.

And, let's not forget that the night my FIL died, my mom and I were at his side, and afterwards his son came to hospice, drunk and stinking up the room so badly that my mom and I had to leave, and acted like a complete fool. All three of them have a lifetime of regrets to live. They treated their father like dirt. He loved them so much and was so disappointed that the family was so divided over his divorce from their mother. But all in all, my mom suffered the most from it. And she did NOT deserve that. Nor do you. It's a very hard thing to let go, when someone can be so shallow as to want to know when they're going to get their money. We found out the hard way that money really IS the root of all evil. I wanted absolutely NO part of that money and I was GLAD I wasn't legally part of all of it. People just have no shame when it comes to these things. I wish I could slap all of them down the line.

One thing that really did help me was to sit down and write a letter to his kids. I called them every name in the book and my handwriting was so shaky you could barely read it. But it didn't matter because of course I never sent it. But wow--did I feel better when it was all over. They really are clueless. Don't even think that they can process how shallow they are being.

And Lilian, it just breaks my heart thinking of your husband crying that his kids didn't come to see him. Coming from a daughter who just lost her mom and her best friend in the whole world eight weeks ago, I think that is just unforgiveable.

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Sometimes we just can't believe how people behave. It just is unbelievable, but it does happen. Lawsuits, hurt, greed, the love of money above everything else, truly is the root of all evil. Try as best as you can to rise above it. Sometimes the best way to heal is to forgive and forget. Forgetting is the hardest part. Ask for help from above. Eventually, this will pass.

Joanie ((()))

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