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I am my mothers Daughter

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I am my mothers Daughter. It defines who I am from the start. I am a daughter who is facing the top of our family tree. It is a very lonely and sad and painful thing. My heart aches with so many here 'momma's baby girls'... we are walking in the same shoes. Although sometimes it feels more desperate, like crawling in the dessert.

I don't know what to say, think, feel..... my step dad keeps saying that eventually it will be okay but I feel that nothing will ever be OKAY again. Who will I turn to when my best friend, the woman I have spoke to nearly every day of my life and the woman have never lived more than a mile from is gone. What will we do? I feel as if my insides have been though a shredder today and tomorrow morning we are having a family meeting. How do I rationally sit through wills, final wishes and DNR orders while all I can think of is who will I turn to from now on. I have a husband and children. They are wonderful. I can not give them the care they need right now because all I want is to be at my Moms side and hold her hand and kiss her cheek and feel her breath. I want my mom to live. My body is wracked in sobs and I can't get a grip and the nightmare has just begun.

I don't know how to so this. I am asking God for help and I am getting no relief and no answers.

I have so many more things to learn from her, she has so much to teach. What about the quilt she started? How will I ever make those pickles without her? How will I get through my birthday and of all the things I will never share with her. My Kids graduations. My DAUGHTERS WEDDING.

Then my mind races towards the fact that her adrenal gland is now involved. Her face is puffing up she can't breathe, she hurts, she sleeps, she is barely lucid. I want to go back in time and change this.

IM so sorry I just needed to write some my hurt down.

I am so sorry to everyone out there who is effected by this demon cancer.

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Dear Kim,

I lost my own dear Mother to LC 21 years ago :cry: . I hear and understand your pain. I STILL think of her daily, and I also feel I am my Mother's daughter. My best friend from high school and I got together after MANY years of being separated by distance. The first thing she said was, "You look exactly like your Mother" and I cried tears of JOY!

We daughters DO get through this but it is difficult, indeed. Eventually our love for our Mothers supercedes all of our selfish motives for wanting her to stay. And I mean selfish in the BEST possible way. I just wanted peace for her. Do I miss her like crazy..............you bet. Do I think of her EVERY holiday and birthday..............you bet. I think of it as a continuous 'celebration of her life'..............like every time I make a recipe of hers, or plant snapdragons or petunias.

I will think of you Kim, and pray for the courage to move through this difficult phase of the journey. I feel strength in you that you no doubt received from your wonderful Mother. That strength will get you through, but not without tears I am sorry to say.



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I can really relate to what you are saying....I feel the exact same way. I am my mom's caregiver and it is so very difficult to watch her struggle with this horrible disease. To watch her at the Dr's office, when he says we are hoping for stable and she is hoping for remission. It is like a big ton of rocks has fallen on her. She plays off of my emotions, so I need to act like it is no big deal, and ask the questions. I talk to my mom daily and always have, she has always lived close, within a mile. My two girls are the only grandchildren she has, and they are very close to her. It is so very hard. I am praying for all of us. Sometimes it is so hard to put one foot in front of the other and continue on. I always try to wear a happy face around her and that is getting to be so hard. All I can say is somehow we will get through this. I take one moment at a time, most days. For me it is hard to concentrate on anything else, but trying to find a "fix" for my mom. I pray for strength all the time, and most days I have it. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Just remember you always have us here on this board. Sometimes, I just come here and read and it always gives me hope and strength. This has been my savior....My friends have not gone through anything like this, they do not understand, these people do!!!!

Hugs and prayers


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Oh Kim, I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. Moms are always suppose to be there for a long time and it is tragic when they leave at such a young age. But please know that even though she will not be there in the physical sense she will always be watching over you and her granchildren. She will just be a whisper away.

I know that does not give you any peace of mind, you just want her back, the way she was. You need her guidance, strength,knowledge and support, with that gone you feel empty and hollow.

These feelings are normal, especially since you are so close to her. I am just so sorry you are hurting so.

It hurts and it will hurt more, but one day it will get better and become more tolerable and you will get your life back on track. That is what she would want.

Meanwhile, Just keep doing what you are doing, spending as much time with her as you can. You are a wonderful daughter and she loves you so much.

Let's pray for a miracle. If not that miracle then for her to be pain free and at peace.

We are always her for you Kim. You know how much we care for you.


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God. I can empathize. Eight weeks ago yesterday I got the call. My mom was "not responding." I knew what that meant. She died without my being by her side. My baby son will be 5 weeks old tomorrow. My mom never got to hold him in her arms.

When my grandpa died in 2000 my mom said, "Now I am an orphan." And what you said was very profound, too--you're facing the top of the family tree. I kept talking to my mom after she was gone, begging her to come back, that I am just a child and can't face life without her direction (I'm 32). My family has dwindled to almost nothing in 11 years. I am visiting four graves right next to each other--my grandparents, my stepdad and my mom--all people I was closest to. All I have left are my aunt and uncle (and my uncle is off in a world of his own so I see him about twice a year even though he lives 15 minutes away). My aunt has been just wonderful; in fact, she told my uncle his behavior is incorrigible and that she feels her job is to "hold me up," so I don't get depressed because I have a family to take care of. While I am so grateful for everything she has done, I am so sad that my mom isn't here to do those little things for me. Things like buying our new son gifts, diapers, formula, doing babysitting, taking my 4 year old twins out, reading books to them. My mom is gone. Sometimes I think I'm okay. Other times the thought of her being gone forever is so hard it feels like someone has twisted a rope around my neck and is pulling it tighter and tighter. Mostly when I hold my son I feel this way.

It is painful for me to have realized that my mom suffered a WHOLE lot more in her life than I even knew. She has dealt with a LOT of physical pain, from the Polio to the breast cancer to the end stage renal disease, to the dialysis, becoming wheelchair bound, divorce, and losing my stepfather to lung cancer after only eight years of marriage. I know she wanted to protect me from a lot of her pain, but I wish I had known what she held inside. She lived with us and I still didn't know a lot of what she went through. My poor mom. She really had a hard life. She always said I was her greatest accomplishment in life. I never really knew what she meant by that until I had my twins.

In the days between my mom's death and her visitation, all I did was cry. Big, heaving sobs. I sat and wrote a 20-something page letter to include with her. My hand was numb. I considered making a copy of it for myself but I wanted it to be for her eyes only, and when I'm gone I didn't want someone else reading it. I begged her to come back in the letter. At night I would wake up and walk around, calling for her. I sat in her room with the door locked and went through all of her things. I always respected her privacy, and it made me feel a bit guilty for doing this, but I begged her to forgive me because I just wanted to feel close to her. Those couple of days I layed in bed (I was on full bedrest in my pregnancy) and watched mindless junk on TV, but when I'd check the guide there would always be a movie on that my mom LOVED. I wanted to lay in bed forever. I didn't know how I could possibly get through a funeral and wake . I had played all of this out in my mind a lot of times. I swear I still have no idea how I did it. And, how I didn't go into labor. I am my mom's only child and all of the responsibility has been on myself. Somehow I gathered the strength. For many nights my husband told me that if I needed to, to wake him up in the middle of the night. I did. For about two weeks every night. Crying uncontrollably. He told me he was never ever going to tell me I needed to get myself together and move on, no matter what. He said so many wonderful things to help me along. My kids--they were the one and only thing to put even the slightest smile on my face in those days. Thank God for them.

It is important that people know YOUR wishes. I had very definite ideas of the roles I wanted people to play in my life. My best friend wanted to play the shoulder for me to cry on; I wanted her to be the one who picked me up, told jokes, got my mind off of things. I wanted my husband to be that shoulder. I really made it clear to everyone what I wanted. And honestly, if I wanted to be alone, I told them. May sound harsh, but it has worked well for me.

Of course, there's a lot of things I still can't face, and won't be able to for a long time. I purposely block those for now. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not crying. I think it's my body's defense mechanism. I have this new baby, and young twins who depend on me. Ian's birth announcements read, "Our precious baby, so sweet and new, you have an angel watching over you." Ian is my mom's little boy she never had. I just know it. She named him without knowing it. Although she never got to hold him in her arms she will forever be in his heart.

All I can do if offer what has been working fairly well for me so far. I honestly feel like I really haven't been able to grasp my mom's forever being gone yet. That defense mechanism again; it won't quite let me get there. It's like it's just out of my reach. For whatever reason, I am accepting it for now. Mother's Day is coming and I DREAD it. Then my birthday. My mom will never ever buy me a present or give me a card. I keep saying, "My mom" over and over again. I won't ever say, "My mom told me such and such today" again. At the visitation, my aunt said, "your mom wants to know where your car is" and I looked up at her, thinking she was talking to me. She wasn't of course--she was talking to my cousin.

The last time my mom called me was on 2/7/06 at 1:14pm. I checked the caller ID a million times. Now all of a sudden I can't do it. It may be deleted already. She sent me emails which I have saved but they are so personal the thought of what is in them is too painful right now. Someday I will have my husband bring them up and print them for me--right now I just can't look at them.

A huge part of me still thinks she's coming back. Like something has changed and I won't be able to see her every day but I can still talk to her. I make sure I can hear her voice and feel the way her cheek felt when I kissed it. God, this is so hard. I miss her so much. Kissing her lifeless cheek was NOT the same. IT was all I could do to touch her, I so didn't want that memory.

I can't make any of this better for you. It is what it is: a terrible disease which I have never looked at so much like a human demon than now. And my stepfather died of LC in 1999. All I can tell you is that you lean on certain people when you feel the need, use this board to cry, vent, express however you need. And take it not one day at a time, but one minute at a time. My husband said that, and it does work.

My best to you and your mom. No one should have to do this. No one should have to pretend to be this strong.

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I understand every one of your feelings. All I can say is that you will make it through everything -- not without a lot of pain and a lot of tears. My mom was able to hold on to see her first grandchild born and then died two weeks later. I never, ever thought I would face being a mom without my mom.

I think of my mom constantly and miss her so much it practically paralyzes me, yet I know she is in a glrios place, I know we had a relationship that so many people have envied over the years. is it fair? No. But, you will make it through. Will things ever be the same? No. But, you will adjust.

It has been three months and it has gotten a little easier - I miss her as much, yet I am able to process it better. I hurt for my dad, my brother and all of her friends, yet I know how blessed we all were to have her.

Praying that you recieve peace and strength in the coming days and months -- and that your mom is painfree and at peace.

Thinking of you,


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I am so sorry for your pain and anguish! I wish there was something that I could say to ease your mind and heart but I know nothing will really suffice.

May the love you have for your mom give you peace and sustain you during this very difficult time...


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I have starting replying to this post like four times and just quit. I hate to entertain the idea that my mom will not be here forever. All I can is what I do. I give her my best everytime I am with her. Today, for instance, she did not want to wake up when I got there, so I just gave her a massage and she was so happy and relaxed. It makes me feel better or maybe more in control when I can help her. I tell myself it is God's plan as far as her long term prognosis and she gives it her all, although it is less than what she once was capable of. I am lucky to have my mom and I know it. I am so proud of her. I am sure you feel the same. God bless you and your family.

Living my dreams today...


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I am so sorry sweetie. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, as I still have both my parents. But I do think I can empathize. I too have a close relationship with my mom who I talk to every day and who is my best friend and greatest supporter.

I can't imagine the pain that would be if I was facing her passing.

But I do know grief. I know the anticipatory grief you are going through because I am right there with you. Much of your post could have been written by me. you wrote

I am asking God for help and I am getting no relief and no answers.
I think I wrote something similar just a couple of days ago.

I know you are feeling helpless. I know you are scared and full of fear for what life will hold for you and your family in the future. I know how much you love your mom and feel that life will just never be the same without her.

You are right, it won't be the same. But you must remember how much your mom loves you. You must know how much she would want you to be happy and rejoice in the memories of the good times you shared with her and not the pain of these tough times. This past weekend when I was feeling so down and thinking I'd never be able to smile again, I spend many brainless hours flipping through channels of senseless television programming. There were 4 times in the same night that I flipped through the hallmark channel that was playing the same movie over and over and I kept hitting it at the same scene each time. There was a man who was dying of Alzheimers and he was telling his wife that as long as he could tell her now, he wanted her to know it was the end of his life and not the end of hers. That he wanted her to go on and find happiness in life because each time she smiled she should know that wherever he was it was making him glad. After the 4th time I was freaked out because it was such a coincidence that I'd land on the same scene each time and I began to think maybe someone somewhere was trying to tell me something. I think the same message goes to you too. If sometime in the future your mom passes from your sight, I think she would want to know that you are going to be ok and still smile and share the joy and love she passed along to you.

I am praying hard for a miracle turn around for your sweet mom. I know it seems like no one is listening sometimes, but I am trying to hold onto faith that God is there even if I don't see the answers I want when I want, and in the way I want it. It will be ok.

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