Carleen Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 I know that I have not been my normal self lately. It is so unlike me to be so negative and so immersed in despair. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself. I listen to my words and I think who the heck is that person. I am grieving for the anticipated loss of my love, but I think I've also lost myself too. And I hate that. Who was I? I have lived my life with a smile on my face and a positive and kind word for everyone. I laughed easily, and rarely worried because I have faith in God to care for me. I never hesitated 1 second to give 110% of my heart to all who would take it because I know that the risk of doing that reaps the greatest rewards. I am trying to find me again. I don't want to be any other way anymore. I know I am struggling right now and I can't just will the tears to stop and the joy to fill my heart. But I am stopping more now to remember the blessings I have and see the small things around me, and I know by doing this I can hopefully soon find myself and my strength again. I got the wonderful opportunity to talk to Becky (Snowflake) the other day, and I really want to thank you. It helped me more than I think I could ever tell you. It has been a terrible and hard week for Keith and I, but even in this dark time I see there are still people and moments that come up that can still make me smile. Becky, you made me smile and laugh. On Saturday, I decided to take Keith to a baseball game with a couple of his friends and he laughed and had a great time which made me smile and forget for just a short while that things were so bad. It's hard. But I think I'm going to be ok for now (at least until the next blow). I just want to go to bed tonight and believe that tomorrow there will be at least one more small moment in the day that will be a reason to smile. I thank everyone for all your love and prayers and caring PMs. Randy, thank you for all the caring and all the trial information you sent me to help me hope again. I'm sorry I've made so many people worry for me. I just want to say thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eppie Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Sweetie, I am so glad Becky cheered you up. She is a great person. I am so glad you all went to a ball game. It will be the good times that get us through the tough times. You can always vent here. You are still that wonderful person who loves and is given love by others. We love you and are all praying for you and Keith. We understand what this feels like and please please don;t give in to despair. I am hearten by your post that you are still giving it 100% and that is what we're do...all of us caregivers. I just know Keith will get better. I really do. Much love and hope for you and Keith, Eppie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamataca Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 We just love you! Don't worry about us. You just keep taking good care of yourself and Keith. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Carleen: Please don't be sorry that we "worry" for you -- we just plain and simple care about you and Keith and want the best for you both....you and Keith are in our hearts and prayers in such a big way I cannot even get the words to express. Here I am acting I am speaking for everyone, , but I have seen the outpouring for you both that mirrors my own thoughts, so I don't think I am out of line here..... I know you and Keith would "worry" for us just the same and that is the beauty of this group...an extended family, if you will, that will be there for each other, no matter what. Prayers and hugs, and more hugs....whatever you need....take it 'cause I just plain couldn't think of a better place to put whatever you need, Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 I am glad you're feeling better. Becky is the best-- I am glad she helped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Carleen, thinking about you and wishing you peace & comfort always. Patty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mskim Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Carleen, I think of you and your husband often as I do so many people here. Of course I always pray that we can somehow find a miracle to save our loved ones from this ugly disease, I pray that each and every one of us can find the strength to put our feet on the floor and get up out of bed and move through the day and that we can find something to be grateful for and happy about. I am so genuinely glad for you that you were able to find a moment of normal and that you were able to connect with someone who made you smile. What a gift. Hugs and prayers Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Oh Carleen I am so glad I read this post before I went to bed. It is so good to see that old Carleen spirt, we all love so much. Please do not apologise for feeling so down. That is why we are here. I am just relieved that we helped you in some way. Thank you Snowflake for helping Carleen. You are so special. What would we do without you. Anyway, Carleen keep the faith. I am so glad you are feeling better. One day at a time. The ballgame was a great idea! Bless you, you are stronger than you know. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geri Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 I'm so glad that you have found your way out of the hole that had swallowed you so badly. Everyone one of us understands your frustration and occasional despair, please whine and rant and stamp your feet or cry whenever you need.........you and Keith have had so many setbacks that my amazement is you don't do it more often. You have so much inner strength Carleen and I know that however low you've been you are rising to the occasion again and will do whatever needs to be done for Keith. Now, where's that smile? Geri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnie Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Carleen, You are the perfect example of how amazing caregivers are! every caregiver here is an inspiration to us the patient to keep fighting and never lose hope. best wishes and prayers for you and Keith gin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Carleen, Happy to see you are looking for reasons to smile, you already had a smile and a laugh with Becky and at the baseball game, Keith had a good time. Enjoy. Jackie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Glad You are doing better!!! You Guys Rock! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 I think you are just downright lovable. How many people have told you that in your life? I bet tons.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma's kid Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 You both continue to be in my prayers, ((((Carleen)))) Gentle hugs Libby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adela Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Carleen, You are a amazing wife and caregver. May you and Kieth enjoy the small moments. Take care of yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchurchi Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Carleen, I am glad you are feeling a bit better. The beast gets us in so many ways and I am happy you are fighting back. The love you and Keith share is so inspiring to many of us. I love looking at the picture of the 2 of you. You can see the love you have for each other. May God bless you with a few more "good" days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 ((((((((Carleen))))))))) Just leave it to our Becky Snowflake to keep us all cheered up! She is so very good at that and it's a blessing to have her and her sense of humor with us! I can so relate with the feeling of not knowing who you are right now. I have discussed this with several members of this board that are surviving spouses. Sometimes, it takes a while to find "the old you." Even now, I have to look very hard on most days to find the old me. Life has a way of changing us. I have faith in you and I know that the real Carleen will once again surface!!! Keeping you and Keith in my thoughts and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Carleen: I amglad you are doing better. I know that looking for opportunities to smile helps me when i am feeling down. Don M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Carleen, I really can't add to what others have said, except that you MUST find some happiness in each day both for you and for Keith. I don't know why some people are given a heavier load than others, but I do know that there is ALWAYS some sunshine in every life. It may only be the daffodils blooming or a good joke. Some days it is hard to find that sunshine. I had a friend that said she looked in the mirror every morning and said I am going to be happy today. Maybe that is what we all should do. Carleen, sweetie, I wish you sunshine (and Snowflakes). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarHart Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Carleen, I am happy to see you feeling better. Everytime Keith smiles now it will be something you will hold in your heart forever. Continued prayers. Karen H Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 I was not worried. I knew you needed to express your emotions, and I was glad you did. I knew you would move through it, and you are doing that. So glad you went to a ballgame and enjoyed it. We are savoring every moment we can, and I see you two doing that. That is a gift in itself. I am glad you are seeing the little blessings all around you. As you look, you will see more. Blessings to you both. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Carleen, I read your words and wish I had the answers or the wisdom to help you. What you are going through is so very hard. I know and I can relate. Trying to dwell on the positive and good things , even though it's hard sometimes, is what will get you through this. Remember, we care about you and are always here to listen. It's good to let out those feelings. Take care and God be with you and Keith. Love, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SherA Posted April 11, 2006 Share Posted April 11, 2006 Carleen, I understand the feeling of not recognizing yourself anymore, because I feel the same way. I sometimes wonder if I will ever remember who I used to be, and then suddenly, I'll get a small glimpse of that person, and then I realize that she is still inside me - buried way down deep. It's absolutely normal to be feeling the way you are feeling after everything you and your husband have been through. If all this didn't eventually take a toll on you, then you wouldn't be the loving person that you are. It's because you love so much that you can hurt so much inside. You may not feel like your normal self right now, but that person is still inside you. And she still loves and gives 110% of her heart. I know because I can see it in you. I'm wishing you and your husband all the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dadstimeon Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Glad your doing better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted April 12, 2006 Share Posted April 12, 2006 Carleen, I enjoyed our conversation, as well. I'm glad you are feeling a bit better and finding little pieces of yourself. You'll bounce back, yet! xxoo, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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