Jump to content

Little Boys and Lizards.....lol


Recommended Posts

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was


wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.


you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into


bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,


stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come


at the lizard!"

Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I


equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to


I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she

inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my


loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together ).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she

informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I

shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be


wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle



"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter


tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do


she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a


foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't

appear to be making much progress," I noted"It's breech," my wife

whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.


"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it


appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several


times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they


talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females




"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.


Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can


so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one



this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little

animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I



you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be


my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In

fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,


is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like


male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying


his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr..


We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited,"


wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then


laugh loudly

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the

woman I

married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm


you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air


bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly

bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad


was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told


"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $50...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use. We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.