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Trying to Get Back


tnmynatt

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I'm trying my best to get back here and get caught up. Things have been very hectic since Charlie's passing on Easter evening. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks for all your support, thoughts/prayers and encouragement along the journey to this point. May God bless you all. Take care.

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It's been a month since my dad died and the only advice I can offer is to be good to yourself. Think only the kindest thoughts and accept the love of friends and neighbors.

Going to favorite restaurants is hard. Mom went to their favorite chinese food place...Lee Palace...and the sweet hostess asked about daddy and cried when she found out he had passed. mom said along with making her sad, it made her feel sort of proud that he was so loved by ordinary people...the hairdresser, the lady who still asks about him at the bank...the little gentleman who sold him lottery tickets.

Let people love you and say they are sorry that Charlie is gone. That is the first tasks that come along right after the passing.

Much love,

Eppie

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Hi Tina,

So good to see you post.

Advice would be like Eppie said...take care of yourself.

This means you don't have to send thank you notes to all. Socially, it is understood and expected not to receive notes of thanks after a death and funeral. I am only saying this because I can imagine you composing notes and not getting your rest, but I hope I am wrong.

But, do stay connected to friends who have been a support and who do understand. Count us among them.

love,

Cindi o'h

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Eppie is right. But no matter what advice any of us can give, it's something so individual- we all walk into it so differently.

We continue to be right here for you. I wish I were closer so that I could give you a hug.

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Tina,

Losing your husband is a life changing event. You won't recover in one hour, one day or one anything. Like Katie B. says "But no matter what advice any of us can give, it's something so individual- we all walk into it so differently."

Tina, Mike has been gone 7 weeks and it feels like it was yesterday. Where did that time go? Some days are easier than others . Some days I'm blind sided by the oppressive grief I feel and the tears won't stop. It's truly an emotional roller-coaster. Take the time you need and let us be the last of your worries. We want to be here for you and with you.

love,

Sue

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Thinking of you Tina with lots of love. Take all the time you need, we are not going anywhere. We are always here for you.

I still cannot get over how fast your Charlie passed.

Prayers sent to you for peace like Charlie.

Maryanne

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You will have good and bad days emotionally Let whatever happen that you want to happen. Don't fight it. Lost Deb 9 weeks on Sunday. Let the teaers flow if you want them too! Everybody summed it up beautifully. Saying prayers for you.

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Dear Tina,

Ditto every word that Sue said (except the time has been a bit longer).

I could never come up with any better words than she did, especially "blind sided by the oppressive grief", with the emphasis on "blind sided". I have gone for long periods of time and been just fine - I mean, really, just fine - going to work, making plans, doing things, etc. So, when Sue used that word "blind sided", that's exactly what she meant.

I also think that these episodes are on different levels. Just watch out for them and be prepared for it to hit and have someone to talk to lined up ahead of time, and actually ask them if you can call them if it gets rough. I got that advice from my counselor, so I asked my brother, my sister and a couple of good friends.

You are also going to have a lot of paperwork. How much depends on what you and Charlie did ahead of time, and what you have as far as life insurance, health insurance, assets, liabilities, debts, etc. It can be overwhelming, so if you need a financial adviser or attorney, find good ones. It's worth a little extra money for good advice. I've heard it said frequently that it's best to not make any major decisions for about a year, unless you have to, of course.

You have my email and phone number, so don't hesitate for one second to send me an email or call if I can help with anything. If I don't have an answer for the financial stuff, I can probably get an answer pretty quickly. I will never have an answer for the grieving stuff, but I sure do have big shoulders, a big heart, and a LOT of understanding.

You are in my prayers, my friend.

Love,

Peggy

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I am so sorry about your husband. He sounds so courageous - as do you. One of the greatest things that has happened from the horrible event of cancer is to meet such amazing people on this board...you and your husband are an inspiration to many...please know that. Eternal rest be granted unto him oh Lord and may your perpetual light shine upon him always.

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(((TINA)))

You have gotten a lot of good advice here. I've thought of you often, and my heart aches for you.

Take all the time you need, and be good to yourself are valuabl words of wisdom.

The only other thing I'd tell you is to let others help you too. So often the people around you care and want to help but don't know what to do or what you need. So, out of uncertainty they do nothing. I think it would help you as well as make them feel good to be able to do anything to help you. Whether that means being there to talk day or night, or coming over and srubbing the bathrooms, cooking a meal, mowing the lawn, so that you can take some time to do something kind for yourself. Just reach out and ask, there is no shame or embarassment in it. They want to help but just need to know how. So many people love you and loved Charlie. It would be doing them a favor to ease their hearts to be of assistance.

And as always we will be here whenever you are ready to offer our love and support to you.

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Tina,

All the advice you got is good,

it is like a list for shopping

you do what you can and do the

rest another time.

No time is better than now, to

think of yourself, take care of

yourself.

I'll say like Peggy, the paperwork

is long and gets complicated at times,

but you will be able to get through it.

For the feelings, they are yours and

can't measure to any other, many good

days when you are too busy to think

and just a lightning and you are back

at case number 1, share your feelings

with somebody you trust and that can

listen to you say the same thing more

than once or repeat yourself without

cutting you out with ''You already said

that''.

Try to find each day something that will

make you smile or laugh, that is so very

important, you will wake up to down moods

days and that is when you will need to

remember that yesterday or the day before

you could still smile or laugh.

Tina, be good to yourself.

love

Jackie

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Dear Tina,

I don't have anything to add as far as advice to what has already been said, I think in time you will realize that there is nothing you can do to stop or even ease the pain on some days. Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting in a stalled car on train tracks with a train bearing down on me full force...and on some of those days I even secretly pray it will hit me before I get off the tracks. All I can tell you is that if you wake up and feel like you are having a good day...enjoy it, go with it and it will help you get thru the days that you wake up and don't want to get out of bed. My heart continues to break along with yours and many others here. I noticed this past week, with springtime arriving, it's much harder. Everyone suggested to me that when the weather got nicer, I'd start feeling better, but all it does is make me miss Bill even harder and reminds me off all the fun we had on such beautiful days. I hope your healing path is lined with more good days than bad and I'm here if I can do anything for you.

Much love to you and your family Tina!

Beth

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Tina, it is all about you now. You have been a caregiver for so long and now is the time to do what you want, when you want. You have to do whatever it takes to get through each day. You know we are here for you, when and how you need us.

This grieving stuff is not for the weak of heart, it is tough. But you know it will get easier, you just have to work your way through it.

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tina

as i have not lost my spouse i dont know that exact pain.

but as for losing someone you love to this damn disease i understand.

my advice. listen to your own heart. Sometimes when people die others around you feel like you don't want to hear about them or by not talking about the person who passed that you wont remember that they are not here anymore. Personally I love to hear people talk about my parents I learn more about them from their friends and laugh or smile when i think about them in those certain situations.

talk about Charlie often., Share you stories with us and everyone around you. Write them down for your sake and to let others know who he was and what he stood for and what he loved and hated too.

to share him with others will keep him alive.

shelly

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