Healthy Selfishness

[Linda661]

Hi gang! I have found a new book that might help those of us who find ourselves in personal overwhelm. I don't know about you, but I find myself in a perpetual situation where my personal needs don't exist anymore, anywhere and it's affecting my health and my mental outlook a lot. In my personal circumstance, taking medication to try and "make it better" won't work.

Ran across a book yesterday called "Healthy Selfishness: Getting the life you deserve without the guilt," by Dr. Racheal Heller and Dr. Richard Heller (I happened upon it at my local grocery store, of all places! Was published this year).

The book starts with defining just plain being selfish vs. healthy selfishness and helps you understand what you do to yourself when you deny everything you need in favor of everyone else's needs. It looks like it's gonna' help define healthy boundaries for yourself, dealing with pent up emotions that come from unending giving with no reciprocation, and includes how to have healthy selfishness with professionals (like doctors), family, friends, etc. among other things.

Certainly caught my attention for a read. Thought I'd pass the info. along for anyone else needing some help in that area.

Linda

[kamataca]

But without guilt, how do we Catholic girls know what to do or avoid?

Sounds fishy to me...

Thanks for the info.

Kelly

[Snowflake]

But, Linda...

I saw a therapist once upon a time before cancer for life and job stress. She told me that I tried to be too much for too many people and that I needed to take more time for myself. I told her that I KNEW I was stretched too thin, realizing that was not the problem. The problem, in the life I was juggling, was knowing which balls to drop...if she could tell me which of the people were less important and therefore not worth the effort, I'd be open to suggestions.

Sure, it's healthy to care about yourself and to know when you have reached your limit, the hard part is figuring out how to keep doing for those who depend on you while not falling apart yourself.

I want the time I'm banking with Daylight Savings Time - with that time back, I should just about be able to make it all work...

Good luck keeping all the balls in the air,

Becky

[Don Wood]

I don't think taking care of yourself is selfish. In fact, taking care of yourself allows you to do a better job caring for other people. The heart pumps blood to itself before it pumps blood to the rest of the body. Good thing, too! Don

[daggiesmom]

From past experience, taking care of yourself is most important. I had a Dad and and uncle who both required much attention. I didn't take enough care of myself and I remember how hard it was. It was a terrible drag on my family. All people should take care of themselves, especially when they feel that they are run down.

Joanie

[Linda661]

I figured this might spark something (and I really don't want to start a big debate; just put it out there for those who might be interested in reading it).

Becky Snowflake, I've got to drop some balls and I don't know which ones to drop or how to drop them well.....they all are important and tug at me because I do care, but I can't keep this up in total....I'm hoping something like this book might help me make some decisions -- perhaps help me think in a new way: can't say yet, I haven't had time to read much of the thing since I bought it .

Anyway, I'll leave it at that or I'll end up writing another novel and I just don't have the strength to do even that today -- just got home from another 7 hour chemo day and now things are gonna' go 5 days a week with radiation starting. Finally sunk into mom today how much of a fight she is gonna' have to come up with in herself and what she is gonna' have to endure as side effects in her particular case and she has finally reached a point where she has "heard" what her docs. are saying for the first time in all of these months (and she has been told this before, but she wouldn't listen and it isn't bad, just the facts of what she must fight) and she is really fighting the acceptance of having anything wrong (hard to cope if you don't look it square in the eye, put on your "big girl panties" and say "you're outta' here" inside yourself somehow -- I can help do that as a caregiver, but I NEED THE PATIENT TO FIGHT TOO WITH THEIR WILL; I can't carry the will of another and that's what she's been asking me to carry too in alot of ways .. will it for her) -- got alot of pieces to put together to support her more now with this change in her: she's gonna' collapse in on herself rather than face things head on, no matter how much encouragement and hope I have given her all of this time....matter of time now from what I witnessed today, hope flew out the window on her today in her mind (not good). I can still help that, with time.

But here's the "rub": I can't take on someone else's emotional pain anymore just 'cause it's there flying at me when it wants to; If I do, I will collapse -- not an "if", it's a certainty and I know it. No amount of talking will help it, I have to make some decisions of what to do and how to do it, even if others don't like it, depending on what they decide to do for themselves. I just can't help where it really counts otherwise.

This probably makes no sense to alot of folks, but as they say, "walk a mile in my shoes". I would be happy to followup on this with folks in PM -- all are welcome, of course, but I would appreciate Becky Snowflake (if you're willing as I see where this goes....really need a no-nonsense sounding board at times and I've got some hard decisions to face; plus, I don't like what my local friends are telling me to do either....rather lost at the moment, I am).

Hugs to all,

Linda

P.S. Want folks to understand what they are up against if they take me up on my offer of PM: You've got to be ready for me to be witchy with stuff in response to what you say and know that I am not adverse to what you say, but I am processing it (i.e. it's not personal). I am a strong-willed person, but stuck in a not so good place inside and can have quite a tongue on me to get through things right now privately -- you're gonna' have to be strong too and listen to what I am up against, not take offense (potentially), and take a "pull no punches stance," but help me in real reality checks along the way; blanket personal advice ain't gonna' work to get me to a strong position to get through this well, it's that bad inside.

[nikkala]

I understand all that you've said Linda and really hope this book can help.My mom has been gone for over 10 yrs and I still struggle so much with sooo many things. You are on the ball and taking charge and looking for the help needed to get thru all this and I am proud of you.