ErinC1973 Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 Where do I begin? My mom and I were so close. She lived with us, I was her only child, my family was her world. When she died 3 months ago Monday it blew a hole in my heart which will never EVER be repaired. But, I have been left scrambling, trying to find important documents of hers which she never talked to me about. We finally got it all together, and we have somewhat of a barracuda (husband's words) of a lawyer, whom my dad was best friends with and my mom trusted implicitly, who is charging massively by the hour even though he knows my mom did have some assets but also had a lot of debts. So, I'm really not going to get all that much. And of course, I don't care. I really honestly didn't even know if my mom had a life insurance policy. Weird, huh? I know she has one for ME. We found out she did have one, a small one, but there was one nonetheless. I got the check today and there were dividends paid so it was about double what I expected. I burst into tears and went down into her room and sat on her bed and cried like that till my husband came home from work. I have felt my mom's presence pretty strongly lately, and I swear our new son looks just like her in her baby pictures. This check was really a slap in the face for me, seeing her name on it means she's really GONE and I'm left holding a piece of paper. That's it??? I feel so empty. I know I have a lot more, I have memories. Coincidentally, last night I really was feeling my mom's presence so I went into her room with Ian and laid him on the bed while he slept, and went through some of her things in her drawers and took them out to smell them. I smelled her perfume. Yesterday I got a letter from one of her credit cards expressing their sympathy on her passing, but they had a legal right to inform me of the debt she had with them. Of course they do. Her other credit card was addressed to her directly, informing her that since she had not made a payment they were reducing her credit and raising her interest rate (they obviously have not gotten the lawyer's letters yet). So I told my husband, "So her credit is trashed." My mom had PERFECT credit. It broke my heart to see that. He kept telling me she has no need for it now, but it's like mym om's good name is ruined and it hurts. I know, weird, petty, stupid, call it what you want. Oh, I just want her back so badly! I swear I feel like she's just away and she'll be coming back. Things will be different somehow, but she IS coming back. I am so torn because I really am at peace with certain aspects of her death, like the fact that she really didn't suffer very long or very much at all. My stepdad had 9 months of pure hell with pain and a host of other problems before the LC even went to his brain, and then we were left to watch him reduced to childlike behavior for a week before he died. It was torturous. I know many of us on here have it much worse. I am just glad it didn't happen to my mom the way it did to my dad. But of course I have a LOT of regrets; I was not able to be there for her nearly as much as I should have due to my bedrest for my pregnancy, and I sure didn't talk to her about those important things like I should have. And of course she never got to meet Ian. I've said it a million times: I'd give anything to be able to put that baby into her arms. Mother's Day is fast approaching, and I am dreading it SO much. It was always such a happy day; we would take my mom and Stu's mom out for brunch and then go and get flowers to plant. This was always the gift I have asked for every Mother's Day, let me go to pick out the flowers for my gardens. We always went to the same place for brunch, too, and they had a professional photographer who would take pictures for free so we have pictures from years past. This year I just want to hole up and forget about it. I really want to go to the cemetery and cry and not care what else happens around me. It just doesn't seem fair, I am a new mom (again). I can't enjoy this Mother's Day. Last week I went to Target and I passed the card aisle, which of course was loaded with Mother's Day cards. I picked up one for Stu's mom, one for my aunt, and one for my best friend's mom, and then I stood there with my head down, hiding my face because I was crying. I finally picked out a card for my mom. I am going to miss buying her cards and getting cards from her so much. Well, anyway, I don't expect anyone to reply to this. I was just rambling. The days have been getting harder lately, not easier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheri Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Erin, I'm so sorry. Your post brought me to tears and I felt compelled to write. We only get one Mom and they can never be replaced. Your grief is still so raw, no doubt Mother's day is going to be very tough for you, noone can take away that pain . My condolences and I'll pray for easier days for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ztweb Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Erin, You most certainly have my prayers. I am so sorry that things are so terrible right now. Eternal rest be granted unto your mother, and may God's perpetual light shine upon her always. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolhg Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 I am so very sorry for your loss and your pain. Prayers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBeth Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Hi Erin, I haven't posted too much lately...for alot of reasons, but mostly because my grief has recently hit me in the face like there's no tomorrow. Anyway, something about the title of your post making reference to the insurance check that got my attention. I wholly understand the range of emotions you felt about that piece of paper with her name on it. I felt like my husband lived all his life and in the end his worth was reduced to the nominal amount of money on a check...but we all know this is not the case, it's just something we can allow ourself to be angry at, a way to let out our pain. I'm sorry it is so difficult for you. So, as I'm reading all your random thoughts I'm thinking about my step-daughter. My husband had two grown daughters that he raised solely on his own and was very close to both of them. His oldest daughter and I are very very close; unfortunately, his youngest daughter has not been seen or heard from by anyone in the family since the week following Bill's death. Tracy is struggling so with the loss of her father and your post really struck a chord with me about her pain. I guess I get caught up in my own pain much of the time and feel like "I" am the one that hurts the most. I was his wife, I was with him 24/7, I took wonderful care of him and now I am all alone and learning to live without him. BUT, then I realize that I lived almost 30 years without him in my life and I know what life without him is like. How hard it must be for the children to loose a parent (mine are still alive) and find themselves dealing with the range of emotions from simple pain of the loss to insecurities about how they will survive without their mother or father. The fear of the unknown. So, thank you for your post. I'm so very sorry for your pain; you've inspired me to call my step-daughter and see if she has plans this weekend and get together to give her a hug and remind her that I'm still here for her. My best to you Erin as you continue on with your healing. I'm so glad you have your new baby to help heal. Love and prayers, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Erin: I know what you mean. It's hard enough losing a loved one, but dealing with the paperwork? The aftermath of that stuff is horrible and unfortunately starts right away....lost my dad a year ago in April and I am still dealing with the paper mess and the estate attorney! Took me awhile to find things like insurance policies that I never knew he had too. Make sure that credit card company who raised rates for a late or nonpayment doesn't overcharge the estate with their extra finance charges accruing after they did that -- maybe it's me, but having to deal for so long with cold, insensitive billing departments for a bit now, I follow-up to be sure that they get exactly what they are owed and no more for their mistakes and oversights. I have never found an error in the family's favor and there have been A LOT of them. I kept a lot of attorney expenses down by doing much of the leg work myself -- time consuming to be certain, but many of those fees will be earned on easy stuff to do that's just phone calling and accumulating information from various places. Took me awhile to find out exactly what I could do, but talking with the attorney's assistant is where you can easily find that out as they are the one who will do most of it anyway. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Oh Erin.... I could have written so much of your post myself. My Dad is still alive, so I didn't have all of the paperwork mumbo-jumbo to sort through.... but I echo so much of what you are feeling STILL, and I still just haven't found a way to feel through it in the least. I am dreading mother's day too. I just can't fathom it without my Mom. I have no words to make it better. Just a ((((hug)))) sent to you and a "me too." I'm so sorry it hurts so badly. PM me anytime. I am another of the club that lost their Mom concurrent with becoming a new Mom. There's never a good time to lose someone, but that just seems especially terribly timing does it not? And Beth--thank you for your post too..... NO ONE here makes me feel this way, but I have felt for so long that only the grief of spouses really 'counts.' I'm supposed to be over grieving my Mom by now, and I feel I haven't even really begun... My Dad has moved on and aside from brief moments of missing her, is happy with another woman... but I'm still just missing my Mama. It IS hard, and I know your stepdaughter will be grateful to be with someone who loved her Daddy and will let her feel that with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Oh Erin.... I could have written so much of your post myself. My Dad is still alive, so I didn't have all of the paperwork mumbo-jumbo to sort through.... but I echo so much of what you are feeling STILL, and I still just haven't found a way to feel through it in the least. I am dreading mother's day too. I just can't fathom it without my Mom. I have no words to make it better. Just a ((((hug)))) sent to you and a "me too." I'm so sorry it hurts so badly. PM me anytime. I am another of the club that lost their Mom concurrent with becoming a new Mom. There's never a good time to lose someone, but that just seems especially terribly timing does it not? And Beth--thank you for your post too..... NO ONE here makes me feel this way, but I have felt for so long that only the grief of spouses really 'counts.' I'm supposed to be over grieving my Mom by now, and I feel I haven't even really begun... My Dad has moved on and aside from brief moments of missing her, is happy with another woman... but I'm still just missing my Mama. It IS hard, and I know your stepdaughter will be grateful to be with someone who loved her Daddy and will let her feel that with her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 (((((((((((Erin))))))))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Erin, I am so sorry you are hurting. This is also my first mothers day without my mom. When I was in Boscovs the other day, I actully pick out an outfit for her and then remembered she is not here. I cried too. I do miss her more than I thought I would. Hang in there that is what I am doing and I also regret mothers day this year. But I know my kids will make it special as they always do. It will seem strange not picking her up for our Mothers Day babacue. It will not be the same without her. You are not alone. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.