mamasbabygirl Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 Hey all. Thanks for all of the encouraging words for my mom. I plan on making her a card with everyones' messages and staying to watch survivior with her and my boys tomorrow night. It will be fun. Mom is doing extraordinarily well this week. John and I took her out on Saturday and she stayed out for 6 1/2 hours!! Today, she asked if she could go pickup the boys from daycare with me. So, 2 aides helped me get her into my van and off we went. How amazing is that? I am still working diligently on the Level 2 appeal to try to get mom more therapy before she comes home in 6 weeks when my house is done. I had a counselor come to do a family meeting on Monday and it was semi productive. Mom and SF argued as usual. The counselor brought up all of the options, including them buying a floorplan (condo) that would work so that mom could go home. His answer was no. She brought up daycare during the day, his answer was no. So, essentially I am honoring mom's wishes and bringing her to my home. SF and brother will stay in their home. I plan on asking the counselor for advice. Someone has mentioned that mom needs her own checking account. Does everyone agree? I mean, I can't be expected to take care of her and pay for her stuff too I know, but SF gives me the guilt trip when I buy her things and she says "Give Lori the money back" and then he offers it away from her knowing I'll say no. I need to set some limits with SF and the counselor is going to help me with that. What other ideas/suggestions do you guys have so that mom's life is easier, the strain is not too much on me and John, and so that SF does not take advantage of my generosity? Afterall, I am taking over his responsibility aren't I? Oh well, I'll have no regrets... It's me babbling again. It feels so good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mskim Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 I wish I had some good advice Lori, the checking account sounds like a good idea or maybe even just a weekly allowance of cash set up for her so that when she neds things she can pay for them up front and then there will be no settling up later. I made lists of specific things that she wanted then kept the reciept so nobody would think I was taking advantage of her. I am so happy you are bringing her home. You will make some sweet memories there. Love Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Sounds to me like you have things well in hand. Glad things are moving in a positive direction. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carleen Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Lori, So glad you had a good weekend with mom, and that she is doing so wonderfully. I think you are right about getting her a checking account. Not only will it seperate you a bit more from SF, but it will also give your mom a sense of independence and control. There are some things she can take care of for herself. If she wants or needs something she will have the means to get it instead of having to bargain beg or ask your SF. I think it will do her good mentally and emotionally. Also, I would go a step further and help her with the paperwork for any Social Security, SS Disability, Insurance etc that might be currently going to your SF or a joint account. I think they should go directly to her at your address so she has full access to income entitled to her for her care. I know you are going to make her stay will you a wonderful, loving environment. You are a great daughter and a wonderful caregiver. Love is all you really need, and you have that in abundance. Just keep following your heart and you will never be wrong. (((Lori))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikkala Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Lori, First of all, you go girl. Just take care of mommy and what SF does is his business. On the flip side of that, you need to tell him right off you ned some money NOW to prepare for her homecoming or take him with to get stuff o he can pay. Deprnding on how mobile she is you may want to get a comode, and a shower seat. If it is really hard getting her up you may want to look into a hosp bed. A baby monitor can be pretty handy. You may want a small foldable wheelchair. Wish I could say more to help, know that you and your mom are in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplelady47 Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 I believe that many of the items mentioned by nikkala can be covered by your Mom's insurance if her Doctor will write a separate prescription for each item. You might want to discuss this with the Doctor and even ask for a letter of medical necessity, based on your previous issues with the insurance company. I took care of my father for ten years after my mother died and I spent a fortune of my own money over the years. I don't regret a penny of the money I spent. His funds (SS & a small pension) covered his bills, but not anything else. I kept a separate checking account for him, with me as the second signer on the account. I highly suggest that you do this also and make sure your Mom's income (whatever that might be) be directly deposited to that joint account. I made sure my Dad had money in his pocket so that he had a level of financial independence. I felt that was very important to him. Of course, I kept every receipt for his expenses just in case my brother gave me trouble about money. Thankfully he never did. Also, I know that there are tax issues related to being a caregiver. Please check with your tax person so you can keep good records for tax time. That's all I can think of off the top of my chemo-brain, caffeine deprived head. You are doing such a great job and are a wonderful daughter!! With a smile, Pam in FL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted May 4, 2006 Author Share Posted May 4, 2006 Pam, I hear what you are saying and because my MIL lives with us, I am very familiar with keeping good records of money spent. We have shelled out money to help her, believe me. But, with the new house, we simply will NOT have any extra money and I personally do not feel that I should be responsible for a penny for my mom since mom and SF have assets. I am taking over his role, you know the vows, in sickness and in health. Well, he is renigging and I am not going to be taken advantage of by him just bc he is selfish. I am happy that I am honoring my mom's wishes but he better cough up the money for her wants and needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted May 4, 2006 Author Share Posted May 4, 2006 Pam, I hear what you are saying and because my MIL lives with us, I am very familiar with keeping good records of money spent. We have shelled out money to help her, believe me. But, with the new house, we simply will NOT have any extra money and I personally do not feel that I should be responsible for a penny for my mom since mom and SF have assets. I am taking over his role, you know the vows, in sickness and in health. Well, he is renigging and I am not going to be taken advantage of by him just bc he is selfish. I am happy that I am honoring my mom's wishes but he better cough up the money for her wants and needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted May 4, 2006 Author Share Posted May 4, 2006 Pam, I hear what you are saying and because my MIL lives with us, I am very familiar with keeping good records of money spent. We have shelled out money to help her, believe me. But, with the new house, we simply will NOT have any extra money and I personally do not feel that I should be responsible for a penny for my mom since mom and SF have assets. I am taking over his role, you know the vows, in sickness and in health. Well, he is renigging and I am not going to be taken advantage of by him just bc he is selfish. I am happy that I am honoring my mom's wishes but he better cough up the money for her wants and needs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Lori: Were you ever able to get a durable power of attorney that names you as someone who can represent your mom in her affairs (financial, legal, insurance matters, medical bills, etc.)? An attorney would have to help you with that and it doesn't take long to do -- would help close the gap of SF "better do this or that" as you will have the legal authority to represent your mom's interests better. SF could get harder to "find" as time goes on....especially if he isn't going to be at your house. Mom's own checking account is a great idea, with the ability to have whatever income is hers directly deposited to it -- helps if you are named as POA (power of attorney) or at least a joint owner on the account so you can sign things for her and do bank transactions for her if you have to. That also goes for being an authorized signatory on her safety deposit box, if she has one and needs access to it. Ummm, you are probably going to need aide help when she comes home, aren't you? SF said "no" to daycare? or am I misunderstanding that one? Talk with the counselor that is being helpful or the attorney about this potentially -- If aide help is needed and it's a private pay situation, you might have to take extra steps to insure that SF doesn't withhold your mom's right to use assets that are rightfully hers for her care. Either of those folks ought to be able to steer you in the right direction on that issue. The counselor should be able to help you define what specific needs your mom will have at your house. If you've got a floorplan of where you're mom will be and can describe how you imagine your mom moving around your house (where to bathe, where to eat, etc. etc.), the counselor should be able to help you define what extras you will really need for your mom so you and your mom don't get injured doing multiple transfers from the bed to a chair and so forth. I even think there are classes for caregivers that deal with that -- in our state, they take almost a year to complete if I remember right, and once certified, the family caregiver can also receive state reimbursement checks for their "services." Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Lori: Were you ever able to get a durable power of attorney that names you as someone who can represent your mom in her affairs (financial, legal, insurance matters, medical bills, etc.)? An attorney would have to help you with that and it doesn't take long to do -- would help close the gap of SF "better do this or that" as you will have the legal authority to represent your mom's interests better. SF could get harder to "find" as time goes on....especially if he isn't going to be at your house. Mom's own checking account is a great idea, with the ability to have whatever income is hers directly deposited to it -- helps if you are named as POA (power of attorney) or at least a joint owner on the account so you can sign things for her and do bank transactions for her if you have to. That also goes for being an authorized signatory on her safety deposit box, if she has one and needs access to it. Ummm, you are probably going to need aide help when she comes home, aren't you? SF said "no" to daycare? or am I misunderstanding that one? Talk with the counselor that is being helpful or the attorney about this potentially -- If aide help is needed and it's a private pay situation, you might have to take extra steps to insure that SF doesn't withhold your mom's right to use assets that are rightfully hers for her care. Either of those folks ought to be able to steer you in the right direction on that issue. The counselor should be able to help you define what specific needs your mom will have at your house. If you've got a floorplan of where you're mom will be and can describe how you imagine your mom moving around your house (where to bathe, where to eat, etc. etc.), the counselor should be able to help you define what extras you will really need for your mom so you and your mom don't get injured doing multiple transfers from the bed to a chair and so forth. I even think there are classes for caregivers that deal with that -- in our state, they take almost a year to complete if I remember right, and once certified, the family caregiver can also receive state reimbursement checks for their "services." Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted May 4, 2006 Author Share Posted May 4, 2006 I do not have a POA. I don't think that I want it. I just want to take care of her, not be taken advantage of, and get along in harmony. I do not want to place any legal things in order. I may become responsible if so. I should look into the caregiver classes for MIL. We have been doing that a year already, although the time has flown by. My worst fear is that mom needs help and he is back at not offering up the cash to have the care, he tries to do it to save money and we are back at them arguing and hateful all day every day. I cannot live that way. NOT IN MY HOUSE. I pray this counseling works. He is not cut out to be a caregiver, nor does he want to be. He is a big spender with his family (pays for everything all the time), but when it comes to my mom's side, he poor mouths. I appreciate your great suggestions though Linda. Am I being too naive? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karen335 Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Yes, you are being naive. Listen to what Linda is saying to you, please. Don't mean to be harsh, are you rich? If you can afford all the expenses that's great. Think of your family too. Your SF should be taking care of his wife... Love Ya , Hugs, Karen Praying for everything to get better for you. I don't want you to get sick from stress and worry... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma's kid Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 It's great to hear that your mom is having good days. Sounds as if you havea really good plan of action and be sure to take advantage of every single program she is entitled to through her insurance or the government. Home health, aides, equiptment etc. You are one heck of a daughter and your mom is so lucky to have you. Keep us posted. Love, Libby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Lori: You are being naive and setting yourself up for more personal pain and misery without one. SF is already withholding on mom's needs and the "writing is clearly on the wall" that SF may try to take advantage of you from everything you've written over time -- do you really believe that he will suddenly get along with everyone? A few counseling sessions aren't gonna' change "the spots on the dog" enough to believe that things will be smooth. A POA will give you the authority to take care of your worst fear of SF not coming up with the finances if he tries to go down that road. There is nothing you can do about it, except scream, without a POA to act on your mom's behalf in those matters. I would bring up this particular fear to the attorney who would do the POA, just in case particular wording matters for your specific situation. Your mom has a right to have access to her assets for her care if SF gets stingy, but she really can't do that kind of thing for herself right now -- and you can't do it for her, if it has to come to that, without a POA. In our state (a community property state), that right would be access to half of all of the assets -- I don't know about your state. In other words, if your mom needs more care/supplies than SF is willing to fund....and the assets are there to take care of your mom the way she needs to be.....she has a right to have access to them (in my state anyway). If SF's intentions are honorable, he shouldn't mind your having a POA and he shouldn't mind automatic deposits of mom's income to a mom checking account as discussed before. Personally, I would also want a mom savings or trust account, interest bearing, that is initially funded with 2-3 months worth of mom's expected expenses (that exceed her income coming into that checking account), and continued with monthly deposits by SF of additional funds (i.e. once set up, SF puts a month's worth of expected expenses in that account) -- will give you an early "heads up" that he's gonna' drag his feet on this issue, but give you enough time to act before you end up using your personal funds to close gaps in mom's needs. I'd get a professional estimate of what amount those expenses are expected to be as well (better than you trying to estimate it yourself). I wouldn't expect any reasonable person (if his/mom's finances can do it) to object: allows SF to be away for periods of time, say on a personal vacation, and your mom's needs are well taken care of financially. Just sound planning.....just you keep good receipts on her expenses along the way too. I know this sounds bold and maybe I have misread the degree of strife in your family that would warrant such a thing -- if you really believe SF will come through, no matter what, and you won't be taken advantage of then ignore this advice. It's the "sleep at night factor" here Lori for you and your mom. Noone is asking SF to be a caregiver anymore: but SF has got to hold up on his end of the deal and not get wishy-washy with it -- neither you nor your mom can afford to have him do that. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted May 5, 2006 Author Share Posted May 5, 2006 Thanks Linda... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carleen Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Lori, I agree with Linda. You may not want to do the POA because then you are responsible, plus it will probably really make some feathers fly. But, the whole point of what you are doing, and the efforts you are taking are for your mom's best interest. Your SF has long since proven without a doubt that his point of view and decisions are not coming from a place with your mom's best interest in mind. By denying daycare to save money, who benefits? Is he saving money so your mom can have other needed things, or is he saving the money for himself and his family? Your mom is entitled to comfortable and quality care regardless of how much it depletes his bank account. When he married your mom he said for better or for worse, richer or poorer he would love honor and cherish her. Well, this is the worse and the poorer in that statement. He is trying to break those vows and still retain sympathy by claiming to be poor. The truth is, your mom ownes half of what is in all the accounts. It is not his right to say yes or no to any care if it is what your mom wants. She should be able to take it out of her half of their life savings and accounts (they are not just his). He can not be allowed to profit from your mom's condition, and trust me, from all we've heard this is exactly what he is going to try to do. Get the POA, you don't have to use it for anything your mom doesn't want. If you get the POA and everything is going smooth with no debates, well then there is nothing lost. It is just a safety net. (((Lori))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamataca Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Lori, Just chiming in to say that you amaze me. You mom did something right along the way, when she was raising you. You are such a loving, caring, and compassionate person! Just don't let those strenghts be used against you, OK? Take care of yourself and your family while you take care of your mom. It seems like such a Herculean task, I know. You rock! Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Linda661 Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Let me just say one more thing (like I haven't said enough already....lol). The POA doesn't make you "responsible" for anything, Lori -- and it is not Lori who is getting one, it's actually mom (though Lori will probably do the legwork to make it happen). It will permit you, Lori, to act on behalf of your mom (on her assets and other personal needs) if SF drops the ball once again, and again, and again.... so your personal family finances don't get hit and mom isn't left in a life affairs mess. Let's say mom is at your house now and SF hasn't come up with the bucks mom desperately needs for initial expenses and he's getting nasty about it. The POA, Lori, will allow you to go to mom's bank and withdraw the funds mom needs from mom/SF joint checking/savings/whatever accounts -- any account that all your mom would have to do in the past is sign her name only, including mom's own personal accounts (at least that's how our family POAs work). You, in effect, are mom's shadow, doing what she would do on her own, if she could. Your mom can still sign her own checks and sign for her own affairs even when you have your POA documentation established at the bank or anywhere needed....you just get legal authority to help her do things she can't always do for herself in financial, tax, and other common life matters. It's as broad in scope as your mom wants it to be. No one will allow Lori to just walk in and do anything just because the document exists either -- Lori will have to provide copies of the POA as she needs to with whatever mom issues she finds she needs to deal with. The world is not going to automatically look to Lori for anything and they still won't, even with a POA on file -- just gives Lori an open door to act on mom's behalf if/when she needs to. Next example: it's tax time next year and mom doesn't have a POA. Mom and SF file a joint tax return -- noone can legally sign for mom on it without a POA if mom can't sign the return herself, not even SF (that's what I found out in our family situation over the last year -- we had the POA, so I could sign those things and get them in, plus provide POA documentation to the IRS -- avoids problems for your mom and SF). SF can still do what he is supposed to do (no harm, no foul), until Lori needs to invoke mom's POA to act on her mom's behalf. Might make SF ticked that your mom gets one naming you, but.....that's saying something in and of itself too. A reasonable person really shouldn't mind since Lori is about to become a real primary caregiver to her mom and will be involved in many day-to-day mom needs. SF should understand that this frees him up a bit for times he is "not available" to insure that his wife is well taken care of in his absence and that someone can sign for mom on their joint (two signatures required) needs if she ever can't do that on her own. I would find that comforting myself, but that's me and most reasonable people. There is a real danger in that there is nothing stopping SF from cleaning out joint accounts of any kind in the meantime if Lori begins to invoke such a thing on their joint accounts, should nasty times surface and SF gets antagonistic -- that's why the first approach of establishing mom's own accounts and SF depositing funds in a mom savings account seems a best first step rather than running around in their joint account affairs directly. In other words, give SF the benefit of the doubt and give him a chance to do what he should do first. POA is there for insurance, if you will. It's all advice speculation and guesswork on a public BBoard, Lori..I am not a lawyer; I only have my personal family experience in this....only you know what makes sense at your end. OK, I think I'll shut up for now (until I find the need to open my trap again....lol). Love 'ya gal for everything you have been through; admire and pray for "Rocky" every day too. Just don't want to see you/mom get burned when you and your mom can do something to avoid this one. Hugs, Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carleen Posted May 8, 2006 Share Posted May 8, 2006 Just want to add that a POA is confidential between the lawyer, the person applying for it and the person receiving the POA. If this is something your mom wants, and wants it to be in your name, it can be done with an attorney without the need for SF to be present or even know it is there until there comes a time that it is necessary to use it in opposition to your SF wishes. SF is not needed to sign off on anything with it or approve it. It is not his POA. You can get one, and if you never need to envoke it, great, no one needs to know or have hurt feelings. But, if there is a time that mom really needs something and SF is not reasonable about it, then you will be glad you have it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted May 8, 2006 Author Share Posted May 8, 2006 I wasn't sure about that little detail, so thanks for clarifying that Carleen. What would happen if I said I have POA and he said no I have POA, blah blah blah....I guess we'd have to go to court for guardianship. I pray it never comes to anything like this... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carleen Posted May 8, 2006 Share Posted May 8, 2006 The POA will be dated and notorized by the attorney. Whomever has the most current revision or POA has the valid one. It is all a matter of the documentation. There can be no dispute when you have the legal documents to show. And you or SF will need to have the physical documents to show in order to do any transactions. Banks, insurance companies, anyone will require seeing the documents prior to allowing you to act and sign for your mom. If SF does not have documentation, but claims he has POA, then he has no say or standing. No one will allow him to supercede your signed documents just because he is the spouse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 FYI... If she gets her own checking account have a joint checking with her name and yours. You got some good advice here. Good luck!! It feels so good to see you in such a good mood and mom doing soooo good. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristicaregiver Posted May 25, 2006 Share Posted May 25, 2006 Hi Linda, I had to fill one out in the hospital for my mom and actually many hospitals will have one for you to fill out and sign at your convenience. This is the kind that you can either have a notary sign or witnesses that are not relatives. It can be as limited as what to do with mom in the event of an emergency in the hospital and perhaps you've stepped out to lunch to what to do with her housing/finances. It is wise to talk about it while she is of healthy mind. As hard as it sounds, it is good to get that ugly stuff out of the way and move on to more proactive things like healing. My name is Kristi and I am my mom's primary caregiver, she is 61, diagnosed 3 weeks ago with stage IV NSCLC with mets to sternum and tailbone. I don't know what is worse about this disease, the pain or the nausea. My mom was very healthy, a Non Smoker, active...and then boom. She cannot be left alone, is nauseous all the time, is a big clot risk, has been in the hospital for 10 days in/out for clots and low temp/blood pressure. I just can't find a good combo of drugs to make her comfortable. She's in that "I just can't find somewhere comfy to lay" stage. And is vomitting anything I give her The onco pharmacist called me today and told me my mom had nausea because she is constipated...GEEZ. I am just numb to all of this but putting on a happy face for my mom because I want her to fight this. She is too young. Sincerely, Kristi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sues Posted May 25, 2006 Share Posted May 25, 2006 I guess I have to add my 2cents worth in too. I agree with all that's been said a POA is you and moms safest thing to do . When my husband and I went to our attorney about my living will -he suggested a POA. Both for financial and medical reasons. My children all know my wishes -but -only one has to decide they don't like that -then there's the POA -whether it's medical or financial . My husband has the say - END OF IT -no one can over ride his authority -I gave him that authority, because he knows my wishes and I know he will carry them out. He is also my childrens SF. He and my children are best of friends - but when it comes to a loved ones leaving this world -emotions take over. What about Hospice ? My Doc called them for me and they were at my house the next day.... they will be sure I have EVERYTHING I NEED TO BE COMFORTABLE -from hosp bed to camode -to caregiver if I need one. Right now my husband takes complete care of me. He works full time ( nights )and gets me to radiation every day . The kids pitch in and come over to cook us meals each day. At some point my husband will have to give up part of his caregiving. He tells me that we're in this together..I just worry more about him He has high blood preasure to begin with -not enough sleep and trying to keep me comfortable... He's doing a wonderful job . I've always been one of these people that wanted to do for others - so I have a hard time asking anyone to help me -when the kids started doing meals it made me (and him feel better )now I feel like I'm taking the time my kids should be using for their own familys.. Listen to your heart - save yourself and your mom -get the POA You won't regret it -I also am not an attorney - just what mine told me I am also told that the social worker in the hosp can help you set all this up for you. Keep your chin up - best of luck to you and mom -prayers your way love sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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