Mother's Day Dilemma and Life Right Now

[Treebywater]

I have to say, that I feel as though I have been caring for people whom I love who are dying or who have lost or are losing a loved one for over a year now... And it's hard. And I'm weary. Right now, with my friend Bob, I see everything that he and his wife are going through and it brings back so many memories. And it's just hard. I haven't slept well for the last week or so.

But I guess I'm really posting because I need some advice about Mother's Day.

It's my first without Mom... and when I'm letting myself feel (which isn't often enough, I'm afraid), I'm having some rough feelings grieving her lately.

My cousin is in a play two hours from here this month, and I WOULD like to go see him in it.

There was a tentative plan with my aunt to meet up with her and her husband when they came to see the play, and all go together. Well... at first it was just in "May." Now they've decided on Mother's Day Weekend...

That weekend--especially Sunday is going to be hard for me. The parts that I CAN enjoy with my husband and Carolyn, I want to.

BUT... I feel like I can't cancel on my Aunt.

This is the aunt that... well, she came to visit RIGHT before Mom died, and I have a lot of really RAW difficult feelings regarding her, and the way she left us.... and Mom thinking I was her most of the rest of her last days on top of all that.

I make her sound awful... but you must know I love her. And she has done some wonderful things for me... and she is one of my 'connectors' to my Mom. I am close to her... and I love her dearly. It just seems that if things are going to go badly with her, they are going to go badly in a very big way.

And on top of that, I'll be watching her celebrate Mother's Day with HER kids... Do you see how this could be hard?

I just don't know how to approach saying, "No... I don't want to do this" when we've had these tentative plans for so long. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't want to create a new family drama. But I really don't want to go for so many reasons--the biggest being that I miss my Mom... and if I can't celebrate Mother's Day with her, then I don't want to celebrate it with anyone else's mother either.

Should I just suck it up and go and figure it'll be good to get out that weekend anyway? Am I just being a baby about this?

Thoughts? (Be gentle, please).

[Geri]

Would your aunt accept the truth?

Tell her that this year is really hard for you and the best thing for you is to celebrate quietly with Andy and Carolyn.

Can you go another day to see the play?

You've had an awful year and now it's your turn to take care of yourself and your family unit, maybe start some new Mother's Day traditions that won't remind you so much of what you always did with your Mom.

It's going to be hard this year but it will get easier, I promise.

Take care

Geri

[Debi]

I agree with what Geri said. No matter what you do this Mother's Day, unfortunately it's not going to be that easy of a day for you. I really think that if you force yourself to go with your Aunt, it's going to be even harder.

You need to do what is right for you. After all, it is your day now too and you can start your very own Mother's Day tradition by doing what YOU want to do on that day! And if a good part of that is to miss your mom and grieve for her, then that's okay too. I think that that is normal.

Just try to do something special for YOU on that day too!!!

[RandyW]

just tell her the truth and that you need some quiet reflection time right now. i think she will understand. I do this to my parents right now since I lost Deb if I don't feel like going out.

[Ry]

If you're not able to tell her the truth then just say you have plans on Mother's Day. You are after all a new mom and it's your day too--say Andy planned a special day. Say whatever feels right, and make the play another day.

[Andrea]

I personally don't think I would go if I were you. You need at least one day to worry about YOU. Mothers day is going to be hard no matter what, no need on making it worse.

Like Ry said if you don't want to get into it, just say your husband already made plans for you, you did not communicate to him the date of the play.

You can also claim that there will be a lot of traffic and you have to get up early the next day and your husband doesn't want to drive in the traffic.

Or you can tell her the truth, it will hurt too much. However if telling the full truth will hurt you too much, then go with saying your hubby made plans.

[ErinC1973]

Thanks for your reply to my post. What in the world makes you think you need to be over grieving your mom by now? I made the decision to eliminate, if only temporarily, all these types of toxic people in my life who make comments like this to me. And please don't take this the wrong way at ALL, but it seems rather soon for your dad to have moved on completely with someone else already. I'm sure he must have some unresolved feelings even if he doesn't show them.

As far as going by your aunt's house goes, I would just tell her you plan on spending a quiet day at home. We did this for Easter and plan on doing it again for Mother's Day. Everyone just has to understand. My husband's mom started asking my extended family over for Easter without my knowledge and my husband went up to her and said, "Don't push, Mom!" which I thought was wonderful of him. This Mother's Day I just want to spend as much time as I want to at the cemetery, and then come home to my family.

Congratualtions on your absolutely precious daughter. I sat last night with Ian and cried into his hair for a long time. I am honestly in shock that my mom died right before he was born. I mean I really just can't believe something like this happened to me. You know, I went in for my 6 week post partum check last week and while I was waiting for the doctor I was reading a magazine about women who have overcome "incredible" obstacles in their pregnancies. I thought to myself, "what could be more stressful than losing your close family member right before you're going to give birth?" Then I read a story about a woman who started having seizures while she was pregnant and was diagnosed with a brain tumor shortly before giving birth. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things. My husband got laid off two days before my dad died. In a time span of three weeks, I had to go through three major life-changing events. I am beginning to really see how giving birth to Ian, although the pregnancy was hard-fought and full of trauma, was the thing that essentially made my life turn a major corner. Decisions were made for me, something I hate to not be in control of, but it happened and I have to accept it now. My mom had a VERY hard life. She was a very positive and strong lady, and I miss her so much I feel dead inside, but she had also suffered enough. It was time to stop letting major illnesses take over her life. Nothing can touch her anymore. So in a way, she will have a wonderful Mother's Day.

I have to tell you, I have the same type of feeling towards my uncle that you have towards your aunt. My uncle (mom's brother) never really came around at all for my grandparents or my mom. And he lives about 15 minutes away. His wife's family has always taken a front seat to ours. He never called me to tell my congrats on the baby, and my 83 year old neighbor even sent me a card. When it came time for Easter, I told my aunt (my mom's sister) I just didn't know if I oculd be around him. She actually spoke up for me and suddenly he showed up on my doorstep one night to see the baby. I told my aunt that I really don't expect things to change, I just wanted him to acknowledge Ian's birth. I know it will go back to us seeing him only a couple of times a year. But he is the one who will have to live with all of the regrets. I am grateful to have my aunt, who I have become closer than ever with these last few months. You just can't control how people act.

I'm blabbering on here, but I just wanted you to know how grateful I am for your reply. It helps to know there is someone out there in my shoes, although I'm sorry we have to be here at all. I honestly think the a bit of the shock is starting to wear off for me, and this is why I'm crying a lot now. I find writing in my journal helps a lot. And I know I'm going to be writing my mom a long letter in her Mother's Day Card.

Happy Mother's Day to you.

[Kasey]

Well, dear Val,

As I see it................and you know that is the way it should absolutely be ..........this Mother's Day is all about YOU! For so long you have been doing FOR others WHAT others thought you should be doing. And you did it well without complaint. This is Mother's Day!!!!! Spend YOUR Mother's Day the way YOU choose...........NOT the way you believe others want THEIR day to be. Your Mama is not here. You need this day to grieve that. You are a Mommy yourself. You have a wonderful man and sweet little girl who want to make this day all about YOU. ALLOW them to do that, Val. Do not feel guilt either. This is YOUR time now!

I know you love your aunt. You will say the right things to her. And if not, you can't take that on, ya know.........HER problem then!

You know I love ya, Val...........it gets better as time goes on. I smile on Mother's Days now...........smile at how fortunate I am to have been blessed with such a wonderful woman to call my very own Mama! Had her not long enough...........but the time I did was more than many will ever have.

Love,

Kasey

[flwrjunke]

Val,

Key words, "tentative plan".

Don't go, stay home, get some sleep and take care of yourself!

Patty