hollyanne Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Hi all, I haven't posted much lately as I am just "dealing" and am so tired. I am still going between San Francisco and Salt Lake City (where my dad is) -- Well, it has been four months since I lost my best friend, and I am dreading the month of May. Not only do I have Mother's Day to contend with but also her birthday on May 19th. I have never been away from her on a Mothers Day. It is strange that this will be my first Mother's Day as a mom and I can't even think about that. I have chosen to spend the day with Caroline the Bug and my dad -- Patrick and I are going to celebrate it later. Given that my mom died two weeks after Caroline was born, the two of them will always be tied closely. Time has helped me, although there are days when I just collapse...I just can't imagine bringing up this baby without my mom's involvement. I feel so guilty for having waited til my late 30's to get married and have a baby. My mom was the healthiest 70 year old around -- running half marathons, working out, eating right --- It isn't fair. It just isn't. Some days I feel like my heart is torn, yet other days I focus on really living as my mom would want me to. But, the reality of "really gone" is sinking in. Maggie, my parent's Chesapeake Bay Retriever is coming home with me for a while -- my dad has to have complete shoulder replacement, and she is just too big for him (120lbs) to handle right now. My old boss is begging me to come back to work. I am so focused on trying to take care of everyone, everything -- the baby, the dog, my dad, going through all my mom's stuff, her friends -- that I am exhausted. My faith is strong -- please say a few prayers for me that I make the right decisions. Love, Holly P.S. Caroline's photo album is online for anyone who loves babies! http://preview.picaboo.com/WebView/Cove ... 000024757A Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 I know how hard all the Firsts are after you lose someone. Think positive and Stay strong. Remember just look up and you can see your mom. This helps me tremendously when I think about Deb adnhow much I miss her. Sending Positive vibes and saing prayers for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 I love your album. She is so very precious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Aw ((((Holly)))), A tough month it seems it will be. My own dear Mother has been gone 21 Mother's Days this year, but I can remember the very first one without her. Actually more than just one. And I didn't have a brand new baby! Somehow this thought keeps coming to my mind.................do you think SOMEHOW your Mother and God provided this 'gift' of Caroline so you FOREVER have that link so close at hand???? I know you and Patrick had a thing or two to do about her as well, but as for the timing..............that seems to be a gift as well. You will ALWAYS miss your Mother..........EVERY Mother's Day..............EVERY birthday.......in fact, I STILL read Mother's Day cards and pick the one I think would be just perfect. I have even been known to purchase one on occasion. Am I nuts???? Maybe. Do I love my Mother???? YES!!! Do I still miss her???????? You bet! This is your first Mother's Day without Mom. BUT............you have reason to celebrate since you now are Mom to Bug! Gift??? To not be alone this day? Don't know! I hope May will be gentle with you Holly, and bring you momenets to cherish..........not just ones filled with heartache. Love, Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinC1973 Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Well, Holly, you know I know how you feel. Easter was a lot harder for me than I thought it was going to be. I honestly thought I'd be to busy to think about it. As the days got closer I dreaded it more and more. When my mom died, Mother's Day was the first thing I thought of. I don't know if you saw my post about my mom's life insurance check, but in there I said I bought my mom a Mother's Day card. Picking it out I thought would make me feel better, but it didn't. I haven't filled it out yet, but I'm sure it will be soaked with tears when I'm done. I am just so sorry for both of us, you know? That we have to deal with such a range of emotions from the birth of our new babies and losing our moms. I agree that the reality of her being "really gone" is sinking in for me, too. Forever. And the thought of not having my mom for the next fifty years of my life makes me feel like someone is tightening a noose around my neck. I get scared; will I still remember my mom as vividly then? Will I still think of her every day? Each day I keep her memory alive by thinking of what her cheek felt like to kiss it, what her body felt like to hug it. Will I still remember then? Caroline is so pretty. She is a beautiful and perfect baby. What kind of camera did you use to take those beautiful pictures? I need a new one so badly! I am sorry you are so overwhelmed right now. Have you made a decision about work? That's a lot to add into the mix now! I haven't worked in 7 years but I have had the urge to go back for two years now. Of course now I have Ian, and I just keep thinking, "they're only little once!" and I am enjoying him SO much...even though it is exhausting with the twins and he was a "surprise," he really was a gift, and when I look into his eyes I really do see my mom. I have pictures of her holding my twins when they were born and I sit there looking at them thinking that I wish so badly I had a picture of her holding Ian. I hope the month of May is gentle on you, and that you have a surprisingly wonderful Mother's Day. It sounds like you have a great family who is understanding and caring, and this makes everything a lot easier to bear, doesn't it? You are spending the day with your new baby, and that is what is important. Be good to yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdjenkins Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 I totally understand Holly. My Dad has been gone 4 months also. I think it is starting to sink in that he is gone forever. I miss his smile, his voice, his calmness, his touch, his smell, and his love. The saddness will hit me out of nowhere. I have two great kids and a wonderful husband, but somehow when I think about the years ahead I feel sad. I don't think I will ever be as happy or as joyful. Dad will always be missing. You are dreading Mother's Day and I'm dreading Father's Day. I want to make it special for my husband, but I can't imagine it without Dad. I was with my Dad for 42 Father's Days. In March we celebrated his 70th birthday in Florida. We release balloons with messages written on them. We were at his favorite beach. The kids loved it and so did I. My Mom's balloon lead the way to heaven which was so fitting. I too I'm busy taking care of everyone it seems. I spend alot of time with Mom. She needs a total hip replacement surgery this summer. Sounds like we have a lot in common. Try to find some joy on Mother's Day Holly. You deserve it, and your Mom would want you to be happy on your special day. Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MilliBr1 Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 (((Holly))) Understand how you are feeling. My moms birthday is also in May. We have all noticed that in the past month my dad seemed to be a bit happier, so I'm hoping this month won't be a set back for him, but I know it is going to be hard. Prayers for you and for your dad and his surgery. Your daughter is beautiful! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carleen Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 (((Holly))) I just wish I could say or do something that would make you feel a little better. But I don't know how. I know your mom will be close to you this mothers day. And she would want you to celebrate your new baby as well. The album of Caroline (bug) is so darn cute. She is a precious little gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flwrjunke Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 Holly, I know how hard it is, the holidays, birthdays, and still I'm dreading Mothers Day. My Moms birthday was January 1st. So after getting through the 1st Thanksgiving, 1st Christmas, New Years, her birthday, I then had my birthday a couple of weeks later. It was beyond difficult. Talk about a walking zombie. That was me.... Some days I still feel that way but what I've learned from these boards is that it's ok. It's gonna take some time.... more time..... and for now, that's ok. Please don't feel guilty for waiting so long to start a family. I know your Mom wouldn't want that. Just concentrate on loving and nurturing that little bug of yours. I'm sure your Mom is looking down, with big eyes, proud of everything that your doing. As far as bring up Carolyn without your Moms involvement, not true. As time goes on, you will see, by your actions and your words, that your Mom is very much involved. How she raised you, will play a huge roll in how you raise Carolyn. Maybe when she's a little older, you'll be faced with a situtation, and 1st you'll think, "How would Mom handle this" or words will fly out of your mouth and you'll think, "wow, that was my Mom talking". I love it when that happens. I always like to share those thoughts with my boys, so one day when they are faced with a similar situation, maybe Grandma will play a role in them bring up their children too. If you can hold off on going back to work for now, do so. Work will always be there. Carolyn will only be little for now, enjoy her and take care of yourself. Patty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jodi Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Hollyanne, I am sending you big hugs! Caroline is soooooooo adorable! My prayers are with you and your family! Love, Jodi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NancyT Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Oh Holly, As you know, this loss is so new to me....but my heart breaks for you...so many things to deal with. Let me say the pictures of your beautiful daughter brightened my Day. I am thinking of you, will be in touch soon love, NancyT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MalouDP Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Hi Holly: What a beautiful baby caroline you have there. I will be praying for you. I haven't missed a single heartbeat of mothers day withouth my mom next to me. I can't even imagine what life would be without my best friend. Thanks sharing your album. Very nice. Love, Malou Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martha02 Posted May 7, 2006 Share Posted May 7, 2006 Hollyanne, again I know how you feel. Actually on May 14 on mother's day is the 4 months anniversary of my mom's death. And instead of going out to eat with her I will have to go see her at cemetary. Some moments I still can believed that all this happend and she is really gone. Who knew that last mother's day was the last one. My mom was a part of my kids life and he kills me that she wont be there to see them grow up. Just the other day my son asked me where is nonna was. It brakes my heart when he asks me about her. Unfortunally death is the reality of this life here. With all the faith that my mom had I really want to believe that they are in a better place smiling down at us and our children. Next week will be really hard but we need to get through it. Take care! martha P.S. your daughter is beautiful. Thank God we have them, they keep us going. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollyanne Posted May 12, 2006 Author Share Posted May 12, 2006 Thanks for the encouraging notes. I am the biggest mess I have been since losing my mom. It seems like adrenaline has been running me for so long - going back and forth between Utah and California, taking care of the Bug, having friends come visit, not really settling back into "normal life" -- I am terrified of slowing down and missing her so much, just so very much. I am trying so hard to be positive, to support everyone around me, to keep a strong faith, but at times I just can't stand it. I talked to my mom 5-6 times every single day since I moved away from her house 15 years ago.....and now I cry for her and for my dad who simply misses her so very much. My dad was a pro basketball coach for years -- he was gone so much so that he could provide my family with a great life...these were the years that mom and dad were supposed to relax, travel and enjoy each other... It isn't fair. I am sorry that all of us are touched my this f'ing disease in some way or another. Sorry for venting. I can't sleep. Love to all, Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted May 12, 2006 Share Posted May 12, 2006 I'm glad you vented, Holly. It does just suck. It IS so unfair. It DOES hurt. When you slow down... It will hurt, but... You will get through it, just as you have everything else. And Bug will help. I guess we're not alone in our puddles this week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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