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Feeling the Feelings


Treebywater

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I think I am finally starting to feel the feelings of grieving for Mom. I feel like I'm late to the party. I just couldn't do it while I was at Dad's. That was like... a science experiment gone wrong. It was 'supposed to' go so differently than it did.

And now I'm in my own home, with my husband, and it's becoming a reality that my Mom is all the way gone. Being here, I've been hit many many times with, "Oh I need to tell Mom that/OH....."

I've cried the gut-wrenching from my toes cries for the first time really, and I Feel like there are more that need to come out.

I'm starting to feel it... And I think it is good, but because I'm so late I feel like... Well like my time has passed. Like since I Didn't deal with it while I Should have, that I can't now. Like people are looking at me and saying, "She died 9 months ago. Shouldn't you be through that phase by now?"

Every day it feels like yesterday. Everyday I long for her. Everyday I want to hear her voice. I look at pictures of Carolyn over the last year. I mentally divide them into "Mom saw that" and "Mom didn't." I can't believe that she won't see any more of Carolyn growing.

I Can't believe I can't call her to ask stupid new Mommy questions--Like... Does Carolyn have to have a Onesie on all the time under every single outfit. Is it indecent if she doesn't? Or... is it safe for her to eat apples yet? You know... the questions that are so common-sense that you can't ask your girlfriends because you're supposed to just automatically "know." But Mom isn't here to get the cheatsheets from.

I miss her so badly... and long for her perspective on my life. I wish so that I could hear her say, "Val... when are you going to learn to just tell them to F*** off?" when people irk me. She would have great advice for how to support my friends who are hurting so badly now in their own battle. She would have perspective on why this year has just seemed to be one loss, one devestation, one hurt after another. And even if she didn't have perspective, she'd say something to make me laugh a little bit anyway.

This year has been the hardest I've ever been through... And I didn't have my Mom to guide me through it. It seems a great irony.

I think what I'm seeing my friends go through as Bob comes near the end of his battle... It's getting even more raw. It throws me into the thick of the memories. Into the words of the conversations and the recollection of each and every feeling.

Sometimes though, I don't want the hurt to heal, because sometimes it feels like the hurt is what keeps me near my Mom. The hurt keeps me in this year, and near to what happened last July. If I give that up, I have to give one more piece of her up. I know that isn't rational, but it's where I am.

So... That's where I am today. At... Almost 10 months sans-Mom. It might not make any sense, and I'm not sure why I wrote it... But I did.

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Dear Val,

Here's why you wrote it here: BECAUSE YOU CAN!!

This is a safe place to "let it out". You might not always get a lot of responses because some don't come to this forum and because some just don't know what to say, but I know they all care. I think when we have walked this walk and made friends here that it's just natural to want to lean on them. I've tried a couple of the widow's forums and just can't get that "connect" like I feel here.

I have to tell you that I literally threw my head back and laughed out loud when I read this:

"Val... when are you going to learn to just tell them to F*** off?" when people irk me.

I'm in the middle of a big argument with my neighbor, and have been very upset and angry for two days. What brought me to my senses was knowing those words of your Mom are EXACTLY what Don would have said to me. Many years ago, he actually bought me a book on how to be assertive :roll: because I'm such a wimp. He NEVER had a problem with being assertive. I don't know if I could ever by "that" strong, but your mom and my Don sure did think alike.

I also identified with these words:

I've cried the gut-wrenching from my toes cries for the first time really

I just did that myself, for the first time, a few weeks ago. Oh, I've cried and I've cried a lot and long, but I let loose with that "gut-wrenching from my toes" big one only recently - also many months after the fact, so whenever it comes, just let it flow! There isn't such a thing as "the right time" or "too late" or any of that!

One last thing, don't worry about what anybody thinks about how long it's been. I just quit caring about that. They are going to think whatever they want to think and we can't do a darn thing about it. I just recently also had a good cry over my mom and dad, and it's been 6 years since my mom's been gone and almost 2 years since my dad's been gone. I went to their property last weekend just to see . . . Their old worn-out trailer has been removed and a cute little modular home is now nestled in their beautiful evergreen trees where they loved to sit out at their picnic table. I was glad it was so far to get back home - it gave me plenty of time to cry.

I don't give a RIP what anybody thinks, and you shouldn't either. Remember your mom's words above. LOL!

Big hugs to you, Val!

Love,

Peggy

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Val,

I completely understand this post.

Two months after my dad died, my non profit status was granted after a long application process...this website was a full time job, and two more months after that we adopted our daughter. Throw into that mix -my husband, my son, new baby, graduation, a full time job, taking care of my mom, etc.... and I can honestly say I didn't "really" grieve for my dad until almost a year and a half after he died.

And when it finally hit me, it hit like a freight train. I still get thrown for a loop from time to time and it has been well over 2 1/2 years since he died.

It's ok to grieve- no matter how long it's been- you just have to go thru it.

I finally figured out that I was running away from grieving (call it a form of denial) but I intentionally kept myself so busy and ragged and exhausted so that I didn't have time to grieve....but it will catch up with you, eventually.

We all go thru it in our own way. This is your way.

No matter how much time passes, you will miss your mom, and no matter how much time passes, she will still be with you, in your heart and your memories and in your mind when someone irks you and you think to yourself...."Val, when are you gonna tell them to f--- OFF!"

:wink:

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I think your Mom's words would cover it all (it's one of my favorite expressions!!).

If anyone has a problem with your grieving then it's THEIR problem and they should mind their own business.

Val, you should do what you need to do to ease your pain and if it's having a melt down from time to time, so be it.

From experience I know it gets easier over time and I understand about the new mommy thing.

My Mom died when I was a teenager so I really floundered around when my daughter was born, I was 3,000 miles from my family and didn't want anyone to know that I didn't know.....talk about a wing and a prayer!

Everything you're feeling is so normal. Of course you miss your Mom, she was a huge presence in your life and right now there's a chasm that no one can fill. Give yourself time, be kind to yourself and cry and scream use the "F" word and know that we'll listen whenever you want to vent.

Take good care of yourself

Geri

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(((Val)))

There is no moratorium on grief. One month, One year, One decade; who is to say enough time has passed for you to miss your mom and break down into tears?

For the first half of your life, your mom was your entire world. For the second half of your life your mom was the support behind you as you built an independent life for yourself. I think you will miss her forever. You love her greatly, and if you need to weep from every cell in your body then you do so and F**K anyone who doesn't support you in it.

There are too many people in life who spout rhetoric and philosophy on things they have no personal experience and knowledge of. Until you've lost someone who has dominated your heart and life, you have no right to judge others' actions who have. This is a wound that will be slow to heal, and will leave a nasty scar.

I'm going to tell you a stupid story that will make me look like a silly child, but helps me not to feel guilty for the pain I feel and express.

A few months ago I was trying my best to do some of the yard work that is always plaguing my life. I was cutting down these thorny stinging nettle bushes that grow up everywhere and choke out my trees and bushes before they can bud. I did have gloves, but when my two young nieces who were helping me plant early spring bulbs in the garden started complaining about worms and beetles I gave them up. Needless to say I really shredded my knuckles. After about a week, all the cuts and scraps had healed with the exception of the scraps on my thumbs. After 6 weeks they are still there and still red raw and sore. I was concerned that they may be infected but waited and watched because I also knew that this spot for injury was normal and would take much longer to heal because the wounds were located on a spot that is constantly being bumped and touched so it couldn't heal as fast. It will heal, but must do so against all odds.

Makes perfect sense to me.

What immediately occured to me as I was thinking this was that if it took 2 months for a scratch to heal on an a thumb because occassionally it got bumped, just imagine how long it would take a serious wound, an amputation to the heart to heal. Your heart is the most vulnerable, used and active part of you. Your injured heart would be made raw over and over again with every heart beat every day, with every breathe, with every special day or moment, with every thought and remembrance. A scratched thumb takes months for the pain to fade, a heart that has been amputated must take years.

Just my own little philosophy on grief.

Be kind to yourself, Cry and grieve all you must and never feel wrong or guilty for doing it. If anyone feels it is inappropriate for you to suffer the loss of this person you loved so much at any date, they are either ignorant or have never truly loved another enough to have their heart wounded.

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Val

Big hugs to you sweetie.

I know how hard life is at the moment. Nine months is definitely not that early in terms of grieving, regardless if you have been grieving every day of those nine months or if you just started. My Mum died nine months ago and I have grieved from the very first day and I still cry nearly every day, at least once. I still long for her hugs, her smiles, her shortbread cookies, her advice (as irritating as it sometime was :wink: ), her everything. Like you, I also ache at the loss of her as a Grandma to my firstborn Veronika. I ache that Mum never even knew I had a baby girl (we didn't find out the sex) nor did she know anything about how my labour went and what sort of baby I had. Basically,we just ache for everything we've lost.

As for not wanting the hurt to heal as you feel that keeps you closer to your Mum............. I totally relate to that and sometimes wonder if I do that myself. But then when the grief is so overwhelming and you feel so miserable I realise that no-one would make themselves feel that way out of choice. But the thought of being "past" my grief also scares me. How can I possibly ever be over this? And what does that mean?

I wish I had more answers and advice for you but I don't. I feel exactly as you do, so just know you're not alone. Big hugs to you and the beautiful Carolyn from me and Veronika.

Love

Jana

xxx

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Val,

I just wanted to post to let you know that I am thinking of you. Grief doesn't come with instructions - we all do it in our own way and in our own time. I think that by living through it we truly come to appreciate living one day at a time.

My Mom will have been gone a year next week. Sometimes I marvel at how far removed the whole experience of her cancer, palliative care and death seems.

I miss her hugs, her smile and the smell of her. I miss picking up the phone and asking for advice. I miss the way her eyes got bright every time she saw me, particularly as she lost the ability to speak. I even miss our arguments. :(

Mother's Day was tough - but it wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. It represented another day without Mom, but it wasn't any different than the day before or the day after. I am trying to shift my focus to being grateful for my Mom's presence in my life. It is no longer a physical presence, but I must admit to feeling her much more keenly on a spiritual level.

Val, our Moms loved us as they carried us, gave life to us and even more so as their lives slipped away. A Mother's love is eternal - their legacies, us.

God bless.

Kel

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Hi Val,

You really needed that grief to happen, its a good thing. Does not make any differnce when it happens but when it does it lets go of all you have been keeping inside. You needed that to happen.

I know how close you were with your mom, and you know she does look out for you and Caroline.

This was a tough mothers day for me. I missed her presence here so much. But I also felt she was here amoung all of us, smiling down on us.

Take care honey, your grieving will come now at different times, let it come then let it go.

Maryanne :wink:

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