SBeth Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Jeff (my teenager) and I opened our swimming pool over the weekend. When we opened up a five-gallon drum of chlorine tablets we found a handwritten note from Bill. It was instructions on what to do, how to do it, when to do it and who to call if we couldn't do it. It tore me up. I remembered last fall when we closed up he pool; it was just a few days after signing on with Hospice and it was a chilly afternoon in October. My brothers-in-laws came over to blow the air out of the lines, take off the hand rails and ladder...all the stuff that needed to be done. Jeff was pretty good about knowing what to do, but he still needed some help. Bill had to give out the instructions. He was all bundled up in his pajamas and his robe and we had to run his oxygen line out thru our bedroom window to him seated in a patio chair. I so clearly remember that day and staring at him and wondering what I would do when spring arrived and it was time to open our pool. It breaks my heart to know that the same thoughts were running thru his mind and he knew he would not be here come Spring. In the last months he was alive, he had such terrible tremors from the WBR that he was barely able to hold a fork, let alone an ink-pen. I remember when he signed the Hospice paperwork...it took him so long to just sign his name on the first form. The Administrator told him that if he wanted, it would be okay for me to sign on his behalf. He just looked at her at told her that he didn't want me to sign, because he knew in his heart that I didn't want him to go with Hospice (that was true then, but I have no regrets now). As I sat there holding his full page of notes I can only wonder where I was when he spent so much of his precious time writing these instructions. The notes are barely legible, and are simple instructions on how to open/close the swimming pool...but they mean the world to me. I miss him so much. I miss the way he loved me and I cannot believe that anyone in this world will ever love me like that again. Thanks for listening to my grief. Love, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patut Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 What a wonderful note. I'm sure you will always treasure it. I have found many notes in various places that Tim had written, mostly measurements for the many renovations he was working on. I love seeing his very careful handwriting. I am about 1 year ahead of you in this grieving process. It's so hard to believe, yet we must go on, and so we do. Thank goodness for our family. Cyndy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindi o'h Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Beth, what a sweet and loving thing for Bill to do. Cindi o'h Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remembering Dave Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Wow, that's pretty cool. must have been hard for him to do. Dave never left any notes on anything. He was determined not to die. My mom, on the other hand, when she got news of her multiple mets, I asked her to write down her recipes for me and asked if she minded, if I was being too negative, and she said of course not, we both know what's going to happen, I'm glad you want them. After she went into hospice and was so weak and bedridden, my Dad and I looked at the notebook she wrote in those last few months (she told us to) she had written out the church bulletin for her funeral (so we knew what songs she wanted, mostly), my recipes, what she wanted to be buried in, etc. most of that she was able to tell us, but she was afraid she wouldn't be able to. My Dad gave me the notebook and it's my most precious possession. anyway, keep those notes forever. there's something about a person's handwriting that makes them seem more alive, like hearing their voice. I will tell you that not long after Dave's diagnoses he left me a couple of very cheerful voice mail messages at work and I have kept them. I should ask someone in IT if they can make recordings of them for me, now that I think about it. It would be good for Faith to hear one day. God Bless Beth, Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tatlyn Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Dear Beth, I think it is always our first inclination, human nature I guess, to want to respond to someone's pain such as you've just shared yours, with words that might truly inspire a broken heart to mend but of course there are no words for that, so I just wanted to say that I've read what you wrote and that I care so much about the pain you are feeling. Thank-you for sharing your grief, you've touched my heart and I hope that you will continue to update us on how you are doing. Many Hugs and Much Love, Lynda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Beth, I'm sitting here crying after reading this. Mike has left behind so many folders with notes of household measurements etc. He was so very organized and unlike me , nothing was cluttered. He knew how to throw away things that were no longer needed. At his computer table there is a notepad and paper that he was writing on before he went to the hospital. It still sits there to this day. His voice is still on my answering machine . Everything he owned is basically where he left it. Only a few days ago I threw away his toothbrush. Just when I think I'm doing okay, I read a message such as yours and I start crying . This is so damn hard. Love you and understand . Love, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tatlyn Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 ((((Sue)))) Lynda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyoung20 Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Dear Beth, Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. GOD BLESS!! Jamie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Beth, Such crazy emotions. Happy that Bill loved you so much to still take care of you and sad, well you know why. I am saving some of the strangest stuff because of Earl's writing on them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Dear Beth, It is so sad when we find something that our loved ones wrote, but it means so much to us..How a small piece of paper is treasured like gold..I too find myself saving things that Mark wrote on..I save every thing that has to do with my dear brother..They are still taking care of us, even after death..I am sure they are watching us from Heaven.. God Bless, Donna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Beth--this post just struck me so deeply when I read it. Thank you for sharing with us. I'm so glad that you found such a treasure and so sad with you as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patkid Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 What a gift your Bill was/is. What a wonderful loving proof of his forever concern for you. I am so sorry/ and I am so happy for you. Both of them............equally. Love Pat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 I Keep finding Pictures and wish I could find her hummingbird recipe. They are here and she is not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adela Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 The hand written notes are so important, I have some from Ed and they are so precious to me. He made a Christmas card notebook and that is so important to me. His cell phone has his greeting and I would like to have that recorded. Thanks for sharing. Adela Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Dear Beth, PRICELESS!! Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Oh Beth, I am sure this made you break down to find something so "him". I send you love and caring thoughts daily... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdjenkins Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Dear Beth, What a loving thing for Bill to do for you. Your message brought me to tears. Tears for you, for my Mom, for myself, and everyone else on this board who has lost someone so dear to them. The saddness never seems to go away. Each new season bring new heartache in the realization that they won't be here with us. Denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 (((((((((((((((Beth)))))))))))))) Yes, these little notes are priceless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Oh, Beth, how wonderful it was of Bill to leave that note. I would give absolutely anything to find a note from Don. He was so d*** stubborn and convinced he was going to live forever that I'm sure he never even entertained the thought. You know, I actually still haven't gone through most of his things - maybe I'll find one some day, but I doubt it. Beth, I hope it's ok if I make a little side note here to anyone reading this whether they have lung cancer or are in perfect health: Please sit down and take five minutes to write some kind of note to your loved ones and hide it someplace where they won't find it right now, but will be sure to find it if something happens to you. If you have kids, write each one of them a separate note. And also, write out instructions on how to do things that you are the ONLY one that knows how to do them. Beth, get that note laminated and keep it in Bill's special things. WHAT A GUY!!! Love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Beth, Your story made me sad and smile at the same time, thanks for sharing..Bill certainly was a wonderful caring man... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma's kid Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Oh, Beth..I have no idea what your feeling but please know you and your family are in my prayers. Wishing you peace and comfort. Blessings. Libby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinC1973 Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 Oh, Beth. I just had to reply to this. I'm sitting here in tears thinking of that note. I have been finding cards I saved from my mom all over the place. Cards she gave me, cards she gave my kids. She will never give me a card again. I was just going through the kids books, and when my mom gave them (or me) a book she would write inside the front cover. I found one she wrote to my son today, that says "Mikkel, even though you're just a little baby, someday soon you will be just like Squeak (the name of the book) going on all kinds of adventures. Love Grammie." I have letters my mom wrote to me for milestones in my life, too. I also have two heartfelt emails my mom sent right before she went into the hospital which to this day I cannot open. I keep asking my husband to go into my saved emails and print them and hide them. She lived with us, but I was on bedrest ofor my pregnancy on the top floor and she was two floors down (she was handicapped and couldn't walk up the stairs) and she and I used to communicate through email and the phone. I'd make one trip downstairs per day and sit on her bed to talk with her. But she and I kind of had an argument one day and I emailed her and she sent one back saying she thought the "C" (what she called it) was back and she was very scared. I honestly very nearly threw up reading that. This is why I can't read the email, because I feel so bad for having argued with her. On sort of another note, my new baby's christening is June 10th and I made the invitations for it, which turned out beautifully. My mom always thought I had such a talent for crafting. When they were done I really wanted to show them to her. It drives me crazy that I can't do that!! Of course the fact that she will never hold my son breaks me in two. I look into his eyes and now that he's smiling I just know my mom would melt looking at that smile. Ok, now I'm really crying...I'm sorry...it's great you found those instructions. I am finding things my mom saved of my stepdad's which he wrote also. He died of NSCLC in 1999. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 Dear Beth, I know it makes you so sad to see his handwriting and to know he knew he wouldnt be there to reopen the pool again. I so much understand that. What should warm you're heart and put a smile on you're face is the fact that he still wanted to help and cared so much for you and others to help you even from beyond his life here on Earth. I recently threw away the living will that my Brother made out and put me as the first person to make any decisions if he was unable to. He had signed it and I read it over and knew that this particular signature and what it meant would always hurt me although somehow honor me that he loved me so much to put his life and decisions in my hands. After reading it, I thought to myself.. Will I ever need to read this again? I dont mean like you knowing now how to open the pool, things to do and people to call. You can know that by heart now or in years to come but that is something I would definantly keep. My Brother's was a need to do signature and I just looked at it, looked at his picture and ripped it up and a lot of peices and threw it away. I dont regret doing that as I will always know that I was in that position if the need ever came, which it didnt. Not living with my Brother ( he was married, unhappily) I have never found anything he has written and know that he probably didnt. Bill loved you enough to want to help you through setting up that pool that the two of you probably enjoyed a lot together. It must have been hard for him but however hard it was he did it and he did it for you Sweetheart. Cherish it!I just have this feeling that if he wrote that, you will find more. You are always in my prayers, God Bless You, Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carleen Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 (((Beth))) Your Bill was truly an amazing and loving man. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes and my heart just aches with the thought of the seperation of such a love. I can't imagine what selfless caring and devotion it took for him to write that note to you knowing he wouldn't be there the next spring. Those are more than words on a paper, they are love that conquered adversity, fear, hardship and tremors. He wanted to love and care for you forever, and this is one more proof that he is still caring for you and will still love you intensely through all time. I know exactly what you mean when you say you cannot believe anyone in this world wih ever love you like that again. I feel the same about my Keith. I know if this disease takes him I will never be loved so deeply and wholey again. But I try to remember that love does not die. This world is temporary and we shall know that love again, and shall rejoice in the arms of our one true love again in heaven. I know that doesn't help, and it isn't enough, but it is the one small grain of hope I have to keep me drawing in breathe and going forward for potentially the next 60 years alone. (((Beth))) I wish I could ease your pain and grief. I know I can not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inkerdoodler Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 What a lovely gift to find that note! He meant for you to find it! Even when those things set off new waves of grief, we are so lucky to have had them. Over twenty years I saved almost all of the greeting cards he ever gave me... I never could bear to throw them away because they were so much a part of him... now they are a treasure! My daughter and I have had lots of long talks about the meaning of life and our beliefs since Jim died, and since she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We struggle with the reality of losing those we have loved, and who have loved us so much... and wonder about why they happen... but my daughter and I both believe strongly in the concept of a "grand plan" and that nothing happens by accident. People come into our lives for a reason... to help us grow to our maximum. The purpose is set out long before we meet them. They leave us either when their purpose has been fulfilled, or when the step of dealing with that loss will lead us to the next step in our growth. I miss Jim so much every single day and weep for what I have lost, but I am not sad, because I had the gift of his love for so many years, and I know some people never experience that in a lifetime. I believe he is up there smiling down on us, and continuing to give his support. If I told you how he continues to send "messages" to us you would probably think I'm crazy, but when it happens, my family and I just exchange knowing glances and say "It's him!" Every rainbow is a message! Keep the faith! Sandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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