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Thank you & some information


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First of all I wanted to thank all of you for your condolences on my moms passing. To say the least it has been utterly devastating. Although I can't grieve her openly because my step-father is a complete mess and I am as strong as I can fake in front of him. I break every night and bawl my eyes out in solice.

I have to take constant care of my step father now due to the fact that he sees no point in eating or taking his heart meds. I am with him almost all day now to at least make noise in the house so he doesn't feel so alone. I don't know how long I can keep it up, I do have things I have to do as well that I have put off since mom took sick in January, but I have a responsibility to mom and my step dad to be there for him.. I am sure I will eventenuailly will ease off, but right now It seems impossible. He is so sad and withdrawn. I am encouraging him to join a wodow/widowers support group and he is totally opposed to it but we'll see.

I also wanted to give you all a piece of information I didn't know. My mom did not have Metastic lung cancer listed first on her death certificate. The primary cause of death was listed as "Leukocytosis" which is a sometimes dangerous high white blood cell count in the body. It can be caused by 1 of 4 things 1) stress 2) mixing of too many meds 3) a primary cancerous tumor or 4) LUKEMIS BROUGHT ABOUT BY CERTAIN CHEMOTHERAPY'S

my moms white cell count was 55,000 dangerously high. but what we didn't know was that her primary onc. knew about it and didn't think any treatment was needed urgently because his line of thinking was that it was from the primary tumor. We believe , due to her condition on the day of her death and leading up to it, that she had developed Lukemia. for the week before she passed this is what went wrong. Extreme fatige, lack of any strength in her legs, no appetite at all. dehydration even while on fluids, incoherant, extreme weakness, unexplainable bleeding from fingernails and G-Tube insertion hole, unexplained absesses on her body, veins closed up and blood draw was almost impossible, exteme bruising and skin break down, body aches and low grade fever.

I am begging all of you to please get photocopies of any and all medical records and read them yourselves. Don't take any single doctors word for anything. in essence become the reader of all the reports and ask questions on anything and everything you don't understand. I am under the belief if I hadn't just believed moms onc. and made her get the second or third opinion then maybe just maybe she would be here today. instead I let another "human being" do what he fealt through experiance was supposed to be done. But every person and every cancer is different. Maybe mom would have died sooner who knows, but it would not have hurt to know more. Now all my family does is wonder and ask questions. Also moms primary ONC. , primary GP and primary surgeon were all on vacation the week she passed and have yet to call us to either pass on condolences or explain anything to us.

Mom was a devout Roman Catholic and was oppesed to an autopsy so we did as she wished and now we will never know.

I don't think I will be posting anymore. I have nothing to offer, I am in the angry phase or grief and don't have hope to offer anyone as I sit here today. I am angry with so many things, dr's, cancer, hopistals, myself, GOD. I am grateful that moms suffering is over, she was so bad that last week, but I would rather a miracle happened and she was cured and here with me today. I am also ashamed to say I am jealous of all of you who still have their loved ones and get to see them still today. I know thats awful, but I can't help that feeling.

I do hope that someday a cure is found, because cancer is awful and it does not descriminate on any basis at all and it needs to be irradicated from this earth. But for right now I have to seperate myself from cancer and all it did to destroy my family. I will watch the board, but will not post anymore.

I thank you all for your help and support over the last 6 months.

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Shellie, I was so glad to see your post, thank you for your update on how you are doing. You are something else to help take care of your stepfather, I don't know how you do it. I hope that you have time to take care of yourself, you need to grieve and go through it your way.

I hope that you will continue to drop a note here every once in a while. You ABSOLUTELY have alot to offer-thank you so much for the information regarding the lukemis-I have never heard of it and now know to look out for it-thanks to you. You have been very helpful here, offering support and comfort to us when we needed it.

I hope that you know how important your posts have been to me. You have been greatly missed, my friend. And, you have every right to feel angry. You have every right to feel whatever emotions that come. It was good advice that you gave to your step-dad regarding a berievement group. And your feeling jealous is also normal...I know that whenever I hear my friends "complain" about problems that to me are "piddily *%it" I am jealous...I always think "at least YOUR parents are healthy, at least YOUR father dosn't have to suffer with lung cancer". I no longer feel guilty that I feel that way, because its not I am wishing it on them. I mean, no one would wish this on ANYONE ELSES family-and I remember to apreciate the good days, although those are getting to be much fewer and much farther between for my dad.

Please don't feel badly, Shelly, you are a good person. You are a good daughter. I hope that you feel up to posting again, sometimes. But, regardless of what you decide, I just wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you. Deb

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Dear Shellie

I was so happy to see your post. You have been in my thoughts since your Mom passed away more than ever. I have been worried about you and wondering how you were doing. I know that you are in a lot of pain right now. You have dealt with so much and you were the best daughter any parent in the world could have ever had. Your courage, determination and love for your mom was unsurpassed. I hope that you can find some peace and comfort in the days and months ahead. You did everything humanly possible for your Mom, you should take solace in that. I hope you will continue to come and post on the boards, you have so much to offer to all of us who are going through this horrible disease. Please know that you are respected and loved by many

Bess B

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I am glad to see your post. I have been thinking of you. Please know I respect whatever decisions you need to make, but I do wish you would continue posting when the time is right for you. You have provided me with support and information, and that has been very comforting and valuable for me. I do hope you take some time for yourself to grieve. I will be continuing to think of you. All my best.

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