cindy0519 Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Dad refused, even after initally agreeing, to leave the hospital last week with hospice care. I think the finality that it implies was just to much for him to accept. He came home and we had a home health care nurse come in and do wound care for one day. One the second day he began vomit bile and continued to do so until around 7pm when I finally talked him into letting me call the doctor "so I could find out if there was anything I could do for him to make him comfortable", as he had been refusing to go to the hospital. He became so frieghtened that he eventually agreed to go. So he is back in the hospital with another suspected bowel blockage from another tumor. My SM has suggested that it is time to tell Dad that it is ok to stop fighting and let go. My siblings are horrified by this prospect and totally disagree. I see both sides but a part of me does not want him to think that I am "giving up" on him. I am the one who has been his "champion" from the medical aspect and I am afraid that my tell him it is ok may be a blow rather than a comfort. Any words of wisdom or suggestions. It is SOOO hard to see him suffer and slowly slip away. I desperately want to do what is right.. but seem so unsure of myself or my emotions lately. Thanks yet again! Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Cindy, so sorry your dad is going through all this. Have you asked your dad what HE wants to do? I believe the patient should have the last word in this. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchurchi Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Cindy, I have no words of wisdom, but I wanted to offer my prayers to you and your family Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 This is my story about letting Go Its sad so be warned, It may help though http://lchelp.org/community/viewtopic.p ... highlight= Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ztweb Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Cindy, I feel at such a loss as to give you any advice on this situation. It is just so hard to see this disease take over, and to watch our parents become so trapped by its pressure. I do agree with Don though, in that your Dad needs to be a part of that decision making, and you can always support him no matter what he wants. I do think they get strength in knowing they are supported either way. Sometimes giving that support is just so frustrating for us though, so I want you to know I am thinking of you, and will pray for your situation. God bless you Cindy... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EastCoastLadi Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Cindy, This hits so close to home for me. I saw my dad dying from cancer right before my very eyes too. and he didn't want to die, he fought so much to the very end, he lived for weeks when the drs. said it would be for days. But as you know we don't have that control over this dreaded disease (in whatever form)...My dad was in the hospital for a month and had enough of treatment and wanted to come home, all of us just lived one day at a time. What I personally told my dad was it was alright to go, that he didn't fail me or our family, all I ever wanted was my dad not to be in the horrible pain we had seen him in for months. Cindy there are no magic words, you just speak to your dad from your heart, remember it is him who is going through all this pain, and we are all human and it's ok to be selfish to want someone around, never to leave. I remember telling my dad whatever he wanted it was ok by me, nothing profound, just simple.....my heart goes out to you at this time, I found at those moments with my dad there was no right or wrong, it was just what was happening in the moment. Grace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 No advice here---I just send many hugs and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollyanne Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Cindy - I would ask your dad what HE wants to do. I think that we too often keep telling people "to fight" and that it makes them feel guilty. Towards the end, my mom said "I don't want to leave all of you, but I am ready to be comfortable" -- and that was o.k. with us. Let him know, that this is up him, but that all of you will support whatever decision her makes. If he wants to stay home then really discuss hospice and what the purpose is, etc. Heraing the "h" word is so very difficult. With my mom, we discussed the fact that nothing changes from the miunte before and the minute after you chose hospice...except that you have more people helping out. You don't suddenly get sicker. He is still in control...people have chosen hospice and then decided to try aggressive treatment again. Hospice's job is to make him comfortable and to help your family. Once we really talked about this with my mom, it made more sense. She wasn't "giving" up but choosing to be comfortable and with us all at home. Thinking of you. This is so tough, I know. Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adela Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 This is a very difficult time. My husband was very confused on stopping his chemo....he knew and didn't want to accept what would happen next. I supported his decision and was his sounding board. When he stoppped the chemo it was the most courageous act he did. He was in control not the beast. All you can do at this point is support your Dad in whatever he decides to do. Adela Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 Cindy: you and your dad have my prayers. I liked Holly's response. If you dad is not getting tratment now, just try to convey to him that hospice will make him more comfortable. Don M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 ((((((((Cindy)))))))))) I would have to agree with other posts and encourage you to really have a heart-to-heart talk with your dad and see what he wants. This is, and should be, his decision. Sometimes, we tend to make decisions on what we feel is best and overlook the wishes of our loved ones. I encouraged Dennis to make decisions about his treatment and he did so as long as he was able to do so. Looking back, I'm so glad that he was the one in control of his health care. I will be saying prayers for your dad and you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmrsm Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 I had a friend who was diagnosed at 40 with colon cancer. I told her to fight for her children so that she could see her daughter walk down the isle as my flower girl at my wedding. Eventually, the cancer began to win and she was in the hospital unconscious but still fighting. I called the hospital and asked that someone put the phone to her ear and told her that it was alright to stop fighting if she chose to. That she fought as hard as she could but it was time to let go. Shortly thereafter she died. Who knows? I am not sure I could tell my father to give up. It is so difficult when it is a parent. There is no right or wrong answer, but my prayers are with you and your family. Courage and love will prevail. Cathy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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