Needing to vent

[Connie22]

I know most of you will understand what I am saying.

I am sitting here feeling like this whole lung cancer issue at the hospital could have ened better.

When My mom was admitted to the hospital on May 10 with plueral infussion to the right lung (the lung where the mass was) I never dreamed it would end like this. They drained it and then did the procedure where they put the talcum in the lung to stop the bleeding. They were "sure" there was cancer in the fluid, but there was none. Not sure if it was caused by radiation or Loveinox (blood thinner). That was healing up fine and then on Sunday the good lung had fluid in it. Again they said it was bloody and had cancer cells. I made them drain it and it was not bloody and no caner was found. She was doing fairly well, eating, walking and visiting and then against the family wishes they started her on Loveinox shots again on Friday. She started spitting up blood, Friday afternoon and on Sat. I spoke with the Oncologist and said no more shots. He explained that it was a catch 22 with the blood clot in her superior veina cava. I said the family will take its chances, well when I left the room, the shot was given and she ended up in ICU with a Oxygen mask that was pumping air into her lungs. They drained 500ccs from the bad lung and said she might have an infection. They started her on steroids and antibiotics and she never got better. She passed away that Thur. June 1 and I am sitting here feeling like I didn't do enough and this is some way my fault. I went to every appointment with her, including radiation and chemo and was her advocate. On Thursday morning the Dr. showed me the lastest Ct scan and it said the cancer had spread in the lung and they had found lesions on the upper part of the liver. But there are so many people that have the same dx and they keep on going with tx. I just miss her soooo much and am feeling guilty. I know the blood clot is a major concern, but we would have felt better if that would have moved, then the way it ended. I know I can't do anything about it now, I am just hoping for some closure. I feel extremely frusterated and angry at the Dr's and I need to put this to rest because it is starting to consume me. Towards the end, when a Dr. would come in, I would physically get ill. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hugs and prayers

Connie

[MsC1210]

Connie,

My heart just breaks for you. I know there are no words that I can say to make this better but I want you to know that you and your family are in my prayers. I wish so much there was more I could do..

Sending hugs and lots of love and prayers,

Chris

[Treebywater]

((((Connie))))

All of the, "If onlys" are so hard. I wish that you felt better about what happened in the hospital. I'm just sorry so sorry that your Mom is gone.

[mamasbabygirl]

Oh dear. I have seen so many people here think "Wht if" and I think that is normal. I can see someone just like myself beating myself up over "what ifs", but I try to focus on everything I can do for my mom and it sounds like you were there with her for the entire journey. There are many moms who aren't so lucky. Eventually, I will pray, that you will get to a place where you can proud of how much you did to stand up for your mom facing such adversity.

You are loved and you loved her so well. Focus on that if you can. So glad you came here to share. Take good care and keep posting...

[Don Wood]

You did enough. Your mom knew that (I speak as a parent). I hope you can get past this soon. Grieving is necessary and healthy, but what if's serve no purpose. Blessings. Don

[Littlegirl]

Connie, I'm so sorry your mom's hospital stay did not end on a better note and I am sorry you lost your mom. Please try to find comfort knowing she is in a better place and is not suffering anymore. Don is right. You did MORE than enough and the 'what if's' could drive you crazy. (And you know it might NOT have been the Loveinox that caused her decline.)

Praying you will find peace soon. Take care of yourself!

Karen

[Mskim]

I too analyze everything that happened leading up to moms death. Not so much obvious mistakes or anyhting but just what could have been different, even if were to give us a few days. I suppose it doensn't matter so much but it hurts an awful lot and keeps me awake at night.

I pray we all can find some peace.

Kim

[Gwen, Daddy's girl]

You and your family blessed your Mom with love and caring.

[RandyW]

Connie you are making me cry butr that is ok I do it when I want to. Remember you always have your mom as a guardian angel I know that does not sound like much to hear but it is. Remember all the good times and try not to think of the bad. Deb passed 5 hours before she would have swarted alimta avastin. The cancer was all over her body from the reports I saw after she passed. I had no idea how bad it was. I knew there was spread and growth and that was all i knew. I went thru the whole guilt thing azt first and realized that the only person who could have donne more was God and he did!!